Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Screw you Vashon…and your pies!

Vashon Island, WA
Somebody won the fucking pie bake-off on Vashon Island (see the overly happy dipshit pictured above). Blah Blah Blah…

Ugh. You know what, Vashon Island? Nobody wants your pie. Okay, maybe some of the other islanders do, but not us.

And do you know why? Because it’s too fucking good. I’ll admit it…it’s shit-crazy amazing. I let a bite sit in my mouth for 5 minutes without chewing…it literally melted…like an iced cube…well maybe a little more slowly than an iced cube…but the shit melted. (haha I think it’s funny to say “iced cube" instead of "ice cube..." seriously…try it with all of your friends..."would you like some iced cubes...with your soft drink?") Your pumpkin pie makes me want to ignore the rules of conventional society and eat pie for breakfast, lunch, dinner…and sometimes even 4th meal (which I know Taco Bell has rights to, but 2AM pie is so much better).

But you also know it’s awesome…and we know that you know it. Don’t you see how completely lame that is? It’s the definition of “uncool.” And don’t even think about blaming us. YOU decided to move to an ISLAND! AN ISLAND!! What do you have against the rest of us? You sit out there, in your richy-rich rocking chairs, drinking tea, making everything organic, healthy, and tasty, looking down on us, making your delicious pies. Enough already! We get it! You’re better than us!

How the hell did you get ferry service? You'd better be paying for those ferries by the way, because every time I have to get to Southworth I have to stop by your piece of shit island. Every time I think, “God damnit I wonder if I’m paying for this shit."

Give me some pie.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Happy Birthday Washington! 120 years of in-your-face beauty and “move if you don’t like it here” attitude!

The State of Washington celebrated 120 years of pure awesomeness on Wednesday. While Clambaker recovers from his all-night partying in celebration of his state’s complete superiority and dominance over the other, less-than awesome states, he thought it would be nice to share some historical perspective on life for our state brothers and sisters in 1889.
Some of the other happenin’s in Washington in 1889:
  • Chinese slave laborers too sick and weak to work on the transcontinental railroad are transferred to the SR520 Evergreen Point Floating Bridge and Alaskan Way Viaduct projects. A personal diary entry of laborer Xiang Wi details the quality of construction.
“Very poor design…many doubts about longevity of materials…engineering quality dubious at best…much surprise if structures last to Christmas. Good smoked salmon readily available though, so Xiang not praying for death just yet.”

  • Tim Eyman’s ballot initiative to rescind a state tax on codpieces fails, despite heavy support in Eastern Washington.

  • Grover “Shingles” Cassidy, a tent-to-tent chicken salesman and amateur jug musician from Aberdeen, leads America out of its big-haired, long-bearded, glam-bluegrass days with a new angst-ridden sound called “grunge-grass,” 100 years before future Hoquiam rival Kurt Cobain.

  • Eastern Washington residents, pissed at Western Washington’s liberal leanings, strong economy, temperate climate, and tolerance of each other’s differences, begin plans to secede from Washington to form a new state, named “Lincoln,” with an official state motto of “Fuck you jerks! Spokane is awesome! Freedom for everyone...everyone…everyone but gay people!”

  • The Seattle Mariners finish their inaugural season a disappointing 10-152. Manager Jumpy “Jack” Stacks, blaming a lack of support from ownership and less –than-harmonious clubhouse chemistry, places a hex on the franchise, wishing them “mediocrity until the sun explodes...”

  • Aplets & Cotlets production begins in Cashmere, bringing together a horrid concoction of jellied fruit, powdered sugar, and nuts, to the exuberant glee of old people across the state. Everyone younger than 70 describes them as “possibly the worst thing I’ve ever eaten…seriously…I’d eat a steaming pile of dog shit first.”

  • At 5:28pm, literally one minute after statehood is officially declared, Californians begin moving to Washington by the wagon-load, inflating housing prices and creating a disdain among the local population that still exists today. Clambaker almost wishes this disdain had culminated in clubbing them over the head with a whiskey bottle and sending them back home to their crappy shithouse further south, but alas, Washingtonians have still yet to take the initiative. I kid, Californians…I kid…

Monday, November 9, 2009

Speaker Pelosi visits Seattle hospital and receives swine flu vaccine... in her face

Seattle, WA
Just two days after heading the health care reform bill through the House, Speaker Pelosi visited Swedish hospital on First Hill to receive what she claims to be a double whammy. The H1N1 inoculation should carry her health through the winter while injecting it in her face should help her snowballing aging effects.

"It's really not a new procedure," claims Dr. Jim H Vandy. "This is the same way we test the vaccine on the rats... and they look great!"

Rep. Jim McDermott added, "She's amazing. I don't even think she blinked during the procedure, but then she feels no pain. I'm just so tickled that she likes my purple tie."

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Where’s your Swine Flu shot? Ask Mr. Twinkles…because he’s hoarding it.

Bellingham, WA.
As millions of Washingtonians scramble to find available H1N1 vaccinations, some extremely lucky Llamas are being given priority in the battle against this potentially dangerous yet extremely over-hyped virus.

For Llama-keeper Betsy Jorgensen and her live-in boyfriend Walter “Lucky” Harris, the danger to their Llama herd is nothing to sneeze at (haha…me make swine flu pun!).

“It’s important to inoculate these animals,” said Lucky. "Can you imagine the devastation a swine-flu pandemic would bring to the Llama population? It would be a game changer. Where do you think that Llama-hair coat you’re wearing comes from? Or that Llama-hair blanket you cuddle up all warm and cozy under at night? Or that Llamanade you’re drinking? That’s right! Llamas! Freedom isn’t free! And neither is this shot for Mr. Twinkles here by the way!”

As you might imagine, gaining the trust of these animals is both a delicate and hilarious process. “We drop a trail of candy corn that leads to the butchering pen,” said Jorgensen. “Don’t worry. It sounds ominous...but it’s more of a butchering kennel.”

For resident Llama “Mr. Twinkles,” the tactic is anything but new.

“Ah yes, that fucking candy corn,” said Mr. Twinkles. “It gets me every time. I followed a delicious trail of that goodness into this very same pen about a year ago. One minute I’m in candy corn heaven, and the next minute I’m hobbling back out to pasture, minus one pair of Llama testicles. It’s easy to stand there and tell me that I should be able to learn that a trail of candy corn is probably there to lure me into something I wouldn’t otherwise willingly agree to. And that’s a fair point. You got me there. No excuses.

But look, you’re a make the candy corn…or you at least you make complex economic systems that import it from China. You have hands and fingers to carefully place the candy corn on the ground in the form of a trail that I will likely follow wherever its irresistible aroma takes me. Who bears the burden of guilt here then, I ask you? Me? A Llama? Or you, the peoples, who willingly do these things? These are curious and difficult questions, to be sure. Above all else, if there’s one thing I’d like to stress, it’s that……..OOOOOOOOO LOOK! CANDY CORN! YEA!!! AND IT’S IN TRAIL FORM! I WONDER WHERE IT LEADS! PROBABLY TO YUMTOWN!! POPULATION…ME!”

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Post Office employees excited about new sign

Pt. Townsend, WA
In recent years, the self run Post Office has been trying to find new ways to stay profitable. After several stamp rate hikes, the Post Office decided today that it will no longer need employees to work the counter.

The local manager in this Pt. Townsend office explains, "We can buy a hundred of these 'Next Window' signs at the same cost as one employees coffee break. We should have thought of this a long time ago."

Expect longer delays this Christmas season.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Conservatives outraged by new step at Department of Licensing

Olympia, WA.
A seemingly innocuous attempt by the Washington State Department of Licensing to streamline the drivers licensing process has met with sharp criticism from local anti-government, conservative groups (who we sane people lovingly refer to as “bat-shit crazy loons.” Yes, conservatives, I said it…you ARE bat-shit crazy fucking loons).

No one has been more surprised at the reaction than DOL Director Sheila Davis. “Honestly, we thought this new step was needed,” said Davis. “With step 3 only directing people to ‘complete the form,' we had a lot of people standing around and asking what to do next. It’s actually worked pretty well. Lines are shorter, and our employees aren’t spending half their time answering stupid questions.”

Davis didn’t hesitate to respond to her critics. “Look, I’ve reached out to these groups,” said Davis. “I asked for their input on a solution. They yelled something about being a socialist, baby-eating fetus killer and hurled a bunch of teabags at me. Okay then. How do you respond to that?”

For local tea partier Cliff “Cock-a-Doodle-Doo” Humphries, the new step in the licensing process is simply another example of government intrusion into the lives of hard-working Americans. “What’s next?” asked Humphries. “Turn in your gun and bend over? Get in line for your government rye? Well I don’t even like rye. These homo communists won’t be happy until they dictate everything in my life. Speed limits, public schooling, light rail, healthcare, fire alarms, building codes that require floors, no smoking at the gas station, no sex with your sister, no beating your dog with the pepper shaker…..fuck them. I may have to turn in my form, but I’ll be god-damned if I’m going to exit.

You ever hear of a little thing called the Constitution? I’ve never read it, but I’d bet you my right pinky toe there’s nothin’ in there about havin’ to turn in forms or exiting. Don’t even get me started on the fact that the bottom part of that sign is written in Spanish. As far as I’m concerned, if you can’t speak American, you deserve to stand around with your completed form wondering what the fuck to do next. Stop taking our jobs and move back to Spainland you dirty Spaniards.”

Boeing workers excited about new opportunities to complain to employer

Everett, WA
The news broke yesterday that the new Boeing 787 Dreamliner production line would be based out of South Carolina, and no one could be more happy than the local Boeing machinists.

It's been a year now since the last Boeing strike, and the atmosphere around the factories has been getting stale. After the latest union agreement, most of the demands of the laborists had been met. Some employees were even beginning to think that maybe they had a good job. That all changed yesterday with the latest announcement.

A new cry of outrage spread across the plant floor as production excitedly came to a halt. Boeing had announced the new line would be based on the other side of the country. Of course the main line would still be based in Everett, and everyone's job there would be safe, but tempers over the decision were still hot.

Chris Geist has worked for Boeing for 22 years and has never been this excited about a reason to be outraged at his employer, "I can't wait to start complainin' and hollerin' about this shit. They may have provided me and my family a comfortable life, but this is bullshit! I dare one of those tie wearing, fancy hair-do corporate guys to come into our break room and see what they are doing to these hard working folks."

Machinist worker representative Keith Meyers has been making the rounds with his coworkers keeping spirits high. "I tell these guys about how much bullshit we have to put up with working for this company, and I think it makes a difference. You can really see an attitude adjustment when they get to feel like this company has them by the balls."

Friday, October 23, 2009

CWU mascot hates his public relations assignment

Ellensburg, WA
You may think this is the normal setting for someone with the name Wellington P. Wildcat, but no, there is no cat more wild than Wellington. And no one hates homework more than a wild cat.

"I think I have enough on my plate with keeping the football team motivated." says Wellington. "I don't need to go out and mingle with the general public about issues. Who really cares what the public is thinking anyway."

The assignment consists of creating a fictional co-operative to help local farmers with the rising price of hay and feed. Many students are raising new ideas about production and cultivation being sponsored by other community organizations. But as for Wellington, "I hate books."

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Would you eat this for lunch?

Othello, WA
Sometimes when looking for news happening, what is not happening becomes a bigger story. Take this bit from the Othello Outlook as an example. Every week they post online their students lunch menu. They also provide a picture.

Let me stress, I'm not a parent, so I completely do not understand how difficult it would be to make a lunch everyday for a kid. And then... why should I? This meal from the school has it all. It has everything necessary to ensure your child is is growing with all the essentials it needs. First, you have your vegetables. I guarantee the first thing a kid will go after is that luscious display of corn, only if they can refrain from that vitamin packed fruit cocktail in the corner.

Then you might say, what about things like riboflavin? Not to worry, the school has a mini pretzel along with a small mustard pack to fulfill the grains needed in a growing child's diet. And of course, everyone knows that chocolate milk has less fat than regular milk. It almost makes you wonder then why as adults we would even consider drinking white milk?

One thing not mentioned is the pizza, but what is there to mention? Everyone knows that with it, the kids get their daily allowance of Vitamin Delicious.

Protester a little disappointed with turn out

Sequim, WA
With the elections right around the corner, many people are focusing their attention on the politicians and issues that will play a role in the state's future. A few of them are even taking action.

That was the case today, as was seen on the street corner of this small Olympic Peninsula town. Patty Brown had been organizing a protest for the last few weeks against the latest Tim Eyman initiative on property tax. She had discussed the issue with several of her friends who all agreed something needed to be done to stop it, and maybe a protest might just be the thing. Unfortunately, when the agreed upon day arrived, no one else showed.

"It's a little upsetting," Patty said. "I hung a notice up on the bulletin board at the laundromat and put an ad in the classifieds of the newspaper, and still no one. I'm not sure how else to reach the people."

Despite the low turn out, and not having attached a stick to her sign, Patty remained optimistic, "If by being here I can persuade just one voter, then I was successful.... even though these things usually pass or fail by thousands of votes."

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Pumpkin-carving out, Pumpkin-hammering in for local special education students

Kingston, WA.
For many of us, the fall season means cooler temperatures, beautiful foliage, Halloween, getting drunk, and of course…pumpkin-carving.

Not so in Kingston, where Lisa Beasley’s special education students have created a whole new twist on this age-old pastime. The switch was made, in part, due to a less-than-successful pumpkin-carving session in 2008.

“We tried the pumpkin-carving thing last year,” said Beasley. “In retrospect, 14 retarded children running around with knives shouldn’t have seemed like a good idea…I mean ‘duh,’ right? We lost a few eyes, some hair, and had to deal with some pretty significant scarring. I mean poor little Albert over there looks like he got kicked in the face by a donkey, and now his left eye-brow won’t grow back. Anyways, they really don’t know the difference. Carving, hammering, reading, zebras, mommy, toast, pointy, Canada, the sun ….those are all the same things to them.”

Watching 3 year old Jaime Ferris flail away wildly at the class pumpkin, you wouldn’t take her for a first-time pumpkin hammerer. She guides each blow with almost machine-like precision, as if possessed by some innate force of nature, driving her plastic hammer further into its target with each swing.

“Meow?,” asked Ferris. “Bam bam bam…b…ba…bam…bam…bunkin bammy bam bam…baaaaaaaaaaaaam.”

Monday, October 12, 2009

New turnip-oriented menu generates few fans at Greener Pastures retirement community

Vancouver, WA.
Like many residents at Vancouver’s Greener Pastures senior retirement community, Alice Menkin doesn’t rate turnips as one of her favorite foods. As she struggled to finish her lunch of mashed turnips and turnipsauce, she failed in her attempt to hold back her tears.

“This is not very tasty at all,” cried Menkin. "This is the opposite of tasty. Is untasty a word? If it is, then that’s how I would describe this. Definitely very untasty...and especially undelicious.”

Apparently the switch to the ill-received turnip-based menu has been in the works for some time. For staff, the final straw came Sunday morning, after a second serving of applesauce had been awarded to residents for an unusually productive “sit still and be quiet” hour. The trouble evidently began during the early morning hours, sometime after the final “lights out/take your medicine” call had been sounded over the PA system.

“We came in Sunday morning to a fucking war zone,” said director Darrell Schaefer. “They broke into the activities room and ravaged the Murder, She Wrote DVD library. They watched so many episodes that Angela Lansbury’s face is burned into the fucking display. I shit you not. We still can’t find season 4. God only knows where that went.

Listen, they're just trying to get to you with all the crying. 'Whaaa whaaaa' this and 'boo hoo' that. They cry all the fucking time now, much more than before. But don’t let these old bastards fool you. They’re a lot more wily than you think. Look, turnipsauce is much lower in sugar than applesauce. It’s simple math. Less sugar equals less tomfoolery, and even fewer shenanigans.

Besides, you know what they say, how when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade? Well now they’ve got turnips…maybe they’ll make some fucking never know.“

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Calls go out for volunteers as WSS Lady Washington prepares for battle

Seattle, WA
The Lady Washington may soon be returning to her familiar role as the battle-hardened blade on the sword of Washington State justice.

Upon hearing the news today that Washington’s official state ship is no longer welcome to return to her winter moorings in California, Governor Christine Gregoire has issued an emergency order asking for 300 stout volunteers to man her sails and cannon, and prepare her for what very well may be her most daunting challenge in over a century.

“The Californians are a dirty and untrustworthy people,” said Gregoire. “They are as vicious and vile as they are unkempt. They steal our electricity, raise our property values, and laugh in the face of our delicious Jones soda. If they won’t let our great Lady Washington into their precious harbors, then we shall fight our way in. They have trembled at the cries of our loons, and now they will tremble at the sound of our guns.”

The governor wasted no time in appointing a captain for the Lady Washington’s upcoming date with destiny.

“I have thought long and hard about this decision, and I can tell you it did not come easy,” said Gregoire. But I believe I have chosen wisely, and I have nothing but the utmost trust and faith that Captain Robert “Ironsides” Mak will lead our brave sailors to victory over these California heathens.

His many years of experience with seamen of all types will be a valuable asset to operation ‘Evergreen Retribution.’ For years he has been entrusted with the timely and accurate delivery of quality news with King 5, and now he will be entrusted with the timely and accurate delivery of justice for all Washingtonians.”

Godspeed, Captain Mak. Godspeed, Washington.

Mariners disappointed to find out they finished in third place

Seattle, WA
The end of the Seattle Mariners' 2009 season was a roller coaster of emotions. The final game of the 162 game year was this Sunday with the M's winning 85 of them. The final game of the year ended in victory as the players celebrated in fashion with hugs, hi-fives, and thrusting players up on their shoulders.

The celebration was short lived though on arrival of the club house locker room. Apparently the players were told by their new manager, Don Wakamatsu, that if they win the last game they get to play in the World Series. Wakamatsu was not in the locker room after the game, but instead left a note that simply said, "Sorry guys, you only got third place out of four places. No World Series. Enjoy the winter."

The baseball team may have finished next to last in the standings, but they were number one in team chemistry.

McGinn calls for new viaduct proposal

Seattle, WA
Seattle mayoral candidate Mike McGinn said Thursday that Seattle taxpayers should be able to vote on the new viaduct decision, and they should vote on his new option. In front of a crowd of reporters, McGinn laid out his plan which combines the awesomeness of a tunnel with the bargain price of a rebuild. He calls it Project Voltron.

With this third option, the viaduct would remain in place, and still be covered by a tunnel. McGinn is so pumped about this option that during the press conference he often took his shirt off to flex. "Think about it, the railroad industry has been doing it forever. I don't hear any complaints from them about above ground tunnels." he said.

He went on to say this is the kind of architecture that will put Seattle on the map and bring us into the 21st century. He then acknowledged that Seattle is already on most maps and is currently in the 21st century.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Scott Spiezio ups the ante…goes from total tool to complete douchebag

This photo comes to Clambaker courtesy of M.C. Razor, who knew he would like it. Thank you M.C. Razor...thank you.

Dearest Mr. Spiezio,

Clambaker doesn’t like you. Clambaker never liked you. Now you’ve gone and really pissed Clambaker off.

Oh my…where to begin. We have to start somewhere. Maybe we should start with your soul patch? You’ve grown it. Good work! I applaud you! You’ve gone and installed a landing strip on your chin. Follow the lights to your douche-hole. A little wispy on the soul side though… more patchy than souly…

And now we come to what I surmise is the whole purpose of this entertaining photo…that lovely new ink on your arm. Ugh. I have some questions about that. You know what you’re missing in life? Friends. Here’s a scenario for you. Let’s say Clambaker is out late on a Friday night. Let’s say Clambaker has had too much to drink. Let’s say Clambaker throws out the idea of getting his arm adorned with a busty blonde provocatively removing her panties. Here’s where you and Clambaker take different paths.

Clambaker has friends. Not many mind you, but enough of them to say, “no Clambaker! That is NOT a good idea! Do not do that! Re-think, Clambaker, re-think!”

But nooooooo. You didn’t have this safety net. If you did, they wouldn’t have let this happen. Even if they had, at the very least, when the newspaper came to take this photo, they would have said, “No Scott! You’ll look like a douchebag! Whatever you do, wear sleeves!”

We’re disappointed Scott. Until we saw this picture, the Washington Apple had zero people on our douchelist. Actually, we didn’t even have a douchelist. Well now we do. And you sir, are its inaugural member. I congratulate you. You should congratulate yourself. Jerk off an extra time this morning, friend…you’ve earned it.

Your move Mr. Spiezio.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Harborview hospital unveils new kidney stone mascot

Seattle, WA
The dialysis wing of the Harboview hospital was all abuzz this weekend as they introduced to the public the first of its new mascots to promote awareness. Rocky the Kidney Stone was brought out in front of a team of journalists while the theme from Rocky was playing.

The purpose of the new mascot is to help people become aware of symptoms of kidney failure and to have a good time doing it. Hospital director Tim Barrett was a little aprehensive at first, "I thought the idea of a mascot depicting a serious problem was a bad idea, but when I saw him wearing that little baseball cap I thought, this could work. Now I am really excited about the whole idea. We can't wait to show off the new tumor mascot next month."

Harborview hospital was ranked almost last on the annual list of Most Fun Hospitals. It hopes that with their new program, they can surpass Sacred Heart of Spokane who has led Washington hospitals for the last 5 years with their off road wheelchair track and shooting range.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Hunter refused to come home empty handed

Dayton, WA
It was the trip hunter Eric Driggs and his faithful German Shepherd, Largent, had been waiting for all year. Two weeks of camping and tracking in the Blue Mountains in pursuit of some big game. He had high hopes of coming home with at least one bear and one elk. But that was not the case.

Two weeks prior, Eric and his dog had ventured into the wild to set up camp. The first week offered nothing but bad weather and there was no game to be found. "It fucking sucked," noted Eric. "I didn't come out here to go camping and discover nature, I came here to kill."

By the time the second week was coming to a close, things were looking pretty dim. "I was getting pretty pissed. I had a shit pile of ammo I needed to light off." It was finally on the last day of the trip that things started to pick up. A large bull elk had wandered in close to Eric's camp. As he sat behind the tree waiting to take a good shot, Largent came running out of nowhere and scared the animal away. It was at that point Eric realized what he needed to do. "I've had that dog for a long time," he stated, "And what a sweet fucking shot! Right in the neck."

Largent is now on display in Driggs' living room. "I'm not real happy that he's gone," says Eric. "But I think he knew how pissed I was, and how happy he made me that day."

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Late night bet at bar to ride trike across state ends miserably in morning traffic

Colville, WA
As the morning sun was rising and people were on their way to work, one man's journey was coming to a sobering end. It was a journey that had started only a few hours before and was scheduled to last for days.

It all started late last night at the Logger Tavern where local patron Ernesto Reyes was in a heated argument with a coworker over who could do more push-ups. The coworker, being much younger, easily won the contest, but Reyes wasn't finished. He then claimed he could ride his recently purchased tricycle across the state, all the way to the ocean.

"Ever since he bought that tricycle, he thinks he's some sort of Olympic athlete, the Mexican Lance Armstrong as he puts it." stated the bartender. "He comes in every night bragging about how far he rides and how much weight he's losing. I haven't seen it, but I have seen him fall off that thing a few times."

As the coworker and several other patrons took up the bets, Reyes set out on his trike, destination; the Pacific Ocean. After only a few hours of riding, Reyes finally conceded the bet when he realized he had only circled the block a few times. Swaying in and out of the morning traffic, he eventually made it home. "I still think I can do it," he claimed. "I just need to get an earlier start in the day."

Monday, September 28, 2009

Everett Silvertips mascot “Lincoln” enraged by high cost of Starbucks muffins

Everett, WA.
When he isn’t leading the wave or giving away t-shirts for the WHL Everett Silvertips, you’ll find team mascot Lincoln at his local Starbucks, attempting to rally the crowd for an entirely different cause…the high price of Starbucks muffins.

As he looks menacingly through the display case, leaning threateningly over the glass, you can almost feel his sense of frustration.

“There they are…yes yes yes…look at them behind the glass…costing so much…god I want to pay less for them,” said Lincoln. “I can’t…I won’t…well maybe if I….fuck fuck fuck.” He then seemed to direct his attention toward the staff. “Hey asshole…how much is this muffin…this apple strudel shit right here. Oh yeah that’s right…too much,” he shouted as he turned around and walked out of the store.

For manager Ted Garrett, Lincoln’s visits have become an all too common event.

“I guess it probably started a couple of years ago,” said Garrett. “He came in one day and ordered a banana nut muffin with a side of honey. When the barista rang him up and told him the price, he just stood there, staring at her. It was unsettling. The expression on his face never changed. Then he drags his paw across his neck like some sort of throat-slashing gesture, turns around, and walks out.

Now he comes in here a couple of times a week, banging loudly on the display case, growling at customers, stuff like that. I even offered to show him how to make his own muffins once. He made fun of me and asked me if I knew of any other bears that could cook. I don’t know…he’s a great mascot…just a shitty customer.”

Friday, September 25, 2009

Man's vision of 35 years become reality with installation of schoolyard "bully phone"

Walla Walla, WA
A dream that started 35 years ago finally came true this week. Police Officer Tom Brink has spent the majority of his career lobbying the school board to install what he calls "bully phones" in all the elementary school playgrounds. This week, Blue Ridge elementary received the first bully phone in the city. The phone is mounted in the schools main recess area and is connected directly to Officer Brink's cell phone.

"It's tough being a kid, especially a kid with glasses," states Brink. "I can remember so many times wishing I could call the police while at recess. I guess there's not a lot of reasons a kid needs to wear glasses. I mean, they don't read that much, and they can't drive a car... but it's nice to know there is protection available."

So what's next for Officer Brink? He plans on getting the schools to install Help buttons inside all full size lockers.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

New Cougar Petting Zoo sparks outrage, controversy, but plenty of fun

Twisp, WA
The recent opening of “Wittle Wild Kitties Petting Farm and Learnin’ Zone” across from Gifford Pinchot Middle School has generated quite the buzz in this usually sleepy eastern Cascade town. While hundreds of children are literally bursting (yes…literally…I witnessed it) with glee at a chance to both tease and interact with the predators, more than a few parents have voiced their concerns over the new business.

For the father of 3rd grader Curtis “Freckles” Horace, there are quite a few questions that need to answered before he’ll grant his son permission to visit the Chevron parking lot turned petting farm. “I’d like to know what’s bein taught in that Learnin’ Zone,” said Michael Horace. “If Freckles comes back talkin about monkeys turnin into people, or healthcare, there’s gonna be problems.”

So far, the business has proven to be a financial windfall for owner/operator/trainer/learnin zone chief George Jenkins. And he isn’t being shy about downplaying the concerns voiced by others.

“Think of it like this,” said Jenkins. “If butterflies didn’t exist, cougars would be nature’s butterflies. We only call them cougars because butterflies exist and are already taking that name. You see my point? And if if’s and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas.”

Aside from the ability to interact with the wild mountain lions, the $10 admission also includes two saltine snack crackers, a complimentary mouse for live feeding, as well as a “poking stick” designed for encouraging less-than-willing cougars to participate.

“Our motto is FUN, FUN, safety, FUN, and FUN,” said Jenkins. “Because you can have big fun with cougars, as long as there’s a little safety in the middle.”

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Forks man not into the Twilight series

Forks, WA
As the Twilight tourism blitz winds down this summer, one man's mission of a new book series is gearing up. Bob Canton has lived in Forks his entire life and says he is fed up with the all the hype his small town has recently been submitted to. "Forks is not about vampires and bloodsucking homos," Bob explained. "It's time this town gets the literary recognition it deserves. What about The Magical Lives of Ducks, or There's a Mouse in the Universe? I think it's time the people of this city pull their heads out of their you know whats, and get over this Twilight shit."

The Forks Magical Duck Tour is scheduled to start the first week of October, featuring fireside readings from Mr. Canton. Seats are limited.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

It's on! Gov. Gregoire vs. Green River

Renton, WA
The rivers in Washington over the last few years have risen into the flood zones, and the Governor this week claimed,"We're not gonna take it anymore!" Standing along with her personal trainers and a river tactics specialist the Governor called for a bare knuckle brawl with what she claims to be her first victim, the Green River. "It's not stopping there," she claimed. "After I take down the Green River I'm coming after the Skagit, and the Puyallup, and I'm not stopping until this shit ends!"
The Green River had no comment.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Omak man promotes inanimate log to #1 pet…demotes lab Jake to #2

Omak, WA
Tension hovers in the air, blanketing the room like a thick fog covers a dewy meadow in the Omak morning mist. One look into the deep, brown eyes of 7-year old chocolate lab mix Jake, and you can almost feel the animosity, the regret, the years of pent-up frustration, and the deep-seated love and hate that only a dog and his owner can know.

His pet log coddled lovingly in his lap (a place once reserved for Jake), owner Fred Metzenberger doesn’t hesitate to heap praise upon his new companion. “Let me tell you something about this log,” said Metzenberger. You know how many times it has run away? Let me go ahead and answer that for you, smart guy……zeeeee-ro. It hasn’t once shit in my house, pissed on my leg, eaten my garbage, or puked on my hardwoods. Aside from the occasional splinter and being a little too pointy on the corners, ‘old loggy’ has been the ideal pet.”

Not surprisingly, Jake hasn’t been all too pleased with his demotion to #2. “One fucking time did I ever shit in the house. I was 2 months old. He acts like it happened yesterday. He puts water in my Purina for 7 fucking years and calls it ‘gravy,’ like I’m some kind of retard. I know what water is…it’s in the bowl next to my food! It’s not like if I tipped over my water dish and it spilled into my food, I’d be like, ‘oh look at me everyone, I just made gravy! Yum! Somebody get me a turkey to put this shit on!’ And do I say anything? Do I go off and promote my tennis ball to #1 owner, holding it in my lap like it’s some sort of genius?”

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Band member enjoys coolest day of his life

Mt Vernon, WA
The years spent practicing and marching around with Mt Vernon's Revolutionary Band Corps have finally paid off for one lucky oboist. Brett Davis was made honorary review-man in last weeks Berry Parade, topping off a journey that started when he was 11 years old.

The job of the review-man is to patrol through the ranks before the ceremony, ensuring everyone is in proper uniform and in tune. "It was the sh*t!" Brett exclaimed. "I finally got to correct everybody on all the mistakes with their uniforms. I mean some of these guys are f*@king idiots. Did you see that crease in Ricky's pantaloons? No...of course you didn't. That's why you're a reporter and I'm a review man. Completely unacceptable."

It wasn't all great for everyone though. Grumblings about Brett could be heard through out the Corps. One band member stated, "They only gave it to him because he's such a whiner. He plays the oboe, who the f*@k wants to play an oboe?"

But for this inspired musician, the future couldn't be brighter. "Yeah things are looking good, I'm growing out a goatee, talking to girls, who knows, maybe it's time for me to put out a solo album."

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Family excited to see son out of the house

Federal Way, WA
Raising a teenager these days comes with many challenges, but along with them come small victories. That was the case of one couple yesterday when their year long goal was achieved by taking their son to the mall. Tina and Mark Lang bought their son Bobby an Xbox for Christmas last year, and since then he has barely left his room.

"We had thought we tried everything," says Tina. "First we tried starving him out of his room, but he was losing so much weight we got concerned. He wouldn't even go to school so I just started homeschooling him in his room. And I've learned to incorporate things, like from Grand Theft Auto, into learning tools."

It was Mark who came up with the idea of taking their son to the local video game store at the mall. Then, with several applications of sun tan lotion and Gameboy in hand, the family took their first drive together in almost a year. "It's a great day for the Lang family!" Mark exclaims. "Sure it is tough sometimes, but we'd rather have him safe in his room then getting messed up in gangs."

Monday, September 14, 2009

School District budgetary constraints force students to administer their own flu shots

Liberty Lake, WA
For students like Teresa Hutchinson (above), prepping her arm for a flu shot has become an all too typical part of her morning routine.

“It hurt the first couple of times, but that’s because I was trying to stick it in my ear,” said the 10-year old as she administered her daily vaccine over an oversized bowl of Apple Jacks. “I don’t understand all of the words on the bottle the school gave us. What’s a ‘chronic medical condition’? You want some apple j…j…j…j...j...jacks?”

Martha Gibbons (Liberty Lake School Superintendent/Mayor/Businesswoman/Catholic/Gemini/Kind of bushy eyebrows but not so bushy they look freaky...well maybe a little freaky) responded yesterday to critics of the school district’s recent policy change by issuing the following statement to the press:

“To whom it may concern, as well as to all normally-sized eyebrow folk whom I so deeply distrust,

We told all them students to tell their parents and/or adult supervisor to help them out with them injections. End a story!”

Dr. Franklin Berringer of the Washington State Board of Health had an entirely different reaction when asked his opinion of the recent policy change. “What? Is this a joke?” said Berringer. “Themselves? Daily inoculations? Where the fuck is Liberty Lake? "

Mike McGinn responds to allegations from Mallahan camp that he can’t ride a bike

Seattle, WA
Seattle Mayoral candidate Mike McGinn responded swiftly and decisively today to recent allegations from Mallahan campaign staffers that he never learned to ride a bike.

“This is me. This is my suit. This is my bike. It has saddle bags. This is me…and my suit…on my bike...with some lovely, newly purchased tea in my saddle bags. And as you can plainly see, I am indeed able to ride it” said McGinn.

Spokane officer upset with support in city's smallest ever drug bust

Spokane, WA
For rookie officer Sharon Blake, it seemed like a chance to not only show off her skills as a police woman, but also a chance to clean up the neighborhood. For her fellow officers, it was a just another chance to haze her.

Officer Blake joined the force last September and quickly earned a reputation as a go-getter by busting three river-walk patrons for being in the park after dusk. Later that month, while enjoying a Crunchwrap Supreme at a Taco Bell, Officer Blake overheard a conversation between a few college students claiming they were, "growing enough weed to last them 'til the next Harry Potter movie." Upon relaying the information to narcotics officers, she was informed that they were too busy dealing with "real problems." "I couldn't believe they weren't going to do anything about it," she said. "I detective even made quotation marks with his fingers while saying 'real problems.'"

Over the next eight months, Officer Blake tirelessly dedicated both her on and off-duty hours working on the case. until she was finally able to acquire all the necessary permits and warrants for an arrest. Early yesterday morning, while on a stakeout, she noticed the students leaving for class and decided it was time to call for back up. When no other officers arrived, she decided to go in alone. Once inside she found two marijuana plants that yielded an approximate street value of $600 worth of pot. She quickly removed the plants and contacted Waste Management officials, who were more than happy to come over and dispose of the weed.

"Others may mock me for some of my actions," she stated. "But what they can't mock is how much safer the city is because of them."

Friday, September 11, 2009

Recession creating bizarre times at annual Bazaar Days

Vashon Island, WA
The recent recession that has swept across the country this year has left no one safe, including islands. Proof of that comes in a recent string of violence this last week on Puget Sound's Vashon Island. The annual Bazaar Days, held the first week in September, usually offers a variety of home-made arts and crafts to the hundreds of onlookers and shoppers, but his year things turned ugly. Due to such low numbers in sales, many vendors took to the street in almost gang-like fashion, harassing and assaulting many of the tourists.

The rampage started around 1:00 pm when soap vendor Lisa Campbell got so fed up with the people walking by and not trying a free sample, she ran from behind her booth and pushed a shopper to the ground. "I've got boxes of lavender bars back here," she yelled. "I've got horses to feed! How am I supposed to pay for that?" That event kicked off a string of attacks, as festival goers were sent racing to their cars.

The local police officer on duty was called to the scene but refused to take any action. "I've never had any sort of formal police training," claims Deputy Jonah Bush. "They just gave me this job because I've never smoked weed, and these women are all hopped up on Chai and wild honey."

Eventually, the situation calmed and the vendors returned to packing up their goods. But for now, Vashon Island remains in a quiet unrest. Patrons are returning to the shops and organic markets, but the tourists are gone. Most people feel it is just safer to get their huckleberries elsewhere.

Bainbridge Island Physics Club overcomes hurdles, challenges…builds large box with motor inside

Bainbridge Island, WA
For Greg Utledge and his brainy band of Bainbridge Island High School Physics Club members, this summer marked the realization of a 2 year dream to accomplish the impossible – building an elevated box with a motor inside. “We started this project back in 2007, with little more than a motor and a large box, which wasn’t even elevated. I mean it was just sitting on the ground…empty…with no motor inside of it…if you can believe that!” said Utledge.

The nearly 2 year project involved an enormous amount of work, from moving the motor inside the box, to elevating the box above ground, to finally building a metal ramp to access the box once it was elevated. When asked who she credited with being the single most important team member of the project, Junior Nancy Lewis didn’t hesitate. “Jesus,” she said.

“We’re extremely proud of the work Greg and his students have accomplished,” said Bainbridge HS Principal Mark Davies. “This is a monument to science and a testament to what can happen when you combine a little imagination and a whole lot of teamwork. Not one single member of this institution thought they were serious about building an elevated box with a motor in it. I’m serious. Not one. I still can’t believe they did it.”

Though the group faced their fair share of hurdles along the way, possibly none was more heart-breaking than losing Junior Stacy Kyle in 2008 to a long battle with Rickets. “She was the heart of our club,” said Utledge. I just wish she enjoyed Vitamin D as much as she did science.”

Minor Brouhaha erupts at Cashmere City Council meeting

Cashmere, WA.
A heated exchange developed today between Cashmere City Council member Teddy Morris and Council Chairperson Bill Flannigan over the newly instituted dress code policy for council meetings. On Tuesday, the council passed resolution 484, expressly forbidding t-shirts and shorts while in session, by a margin of 7-1, with Morris representing the lone vote against the resolution.

Defiantly donning a pair of khaki shorts and simple white t-shirt, Morris chided and lambasted the other council members for their “blatant persecution.”

“F**k them! They got horse s**t for brains," said Morris. “This isn’t about my godda**ed t-shirt. They want retribution because I signed up to bring dessert to this summer’s potluck lunch and brought a Jello. Jello is a f**king dessert! Ask anyone! It’s not my fault no one ate it. Ester brings a hot bowl of bean dip and they practically give her a key to the f**king city! And it’s not like it was just Jello…I put a whipped cream frosting on it for Christ’s sake! REAL whipped cream too! It wasn’t no f**king Cool Whip like they said…”

Asked whether Morris would face any disciplinary action for his complete disregard for the recently passed dress code resolution, Council Chairperson Bill Flannigan answered, “It’s extremely frustrating. I’m not sure what we can do. Teddy isn’t even a council member anymore. He moved to Wenatchee 5 years ago! You can’t live in Wenatchee and represent Cashmere. I can’t even remember how many times we’ve all explained that to him. Yet he shows up here every day, pretending to vote on motions, and complaining about some Jello he made in the 70’s that no one wanted to eat. I’m out of ideas.”

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Chris Gregoire offers wampum as incentive for Makah to keep roots in Washington

Neah Bay, WA
Upon hearing the recent news that tribal elders of the Makah nation were seriously considering a relocation offer to Oregon, Gov. Chris Gregoire today offered a "peace basket" as a show of non-aggression and support to local tribal leaders in hopes of "keeping their feet planted here in the great State of Washington, where they belong." The basket contained a wide variety and mix of both local state favorites and traditional Makah goodies, including a $12 Gift Certificate to Aplets&, a sizable piece of KingDome rubble, various-colored dream catchers, 2 bottles of Chateau St. Michelle merlot, and a winters worth of blankets and antibiotics.

Mayor Nickels tracks, traps, devours recently released Cougar

Snohomish County, WA
"This cat is so f***ing delicious! Eat some, you sh**heads!," exclaimed the recently deposed mayor as he reached for another piece of hindquarter. "I'd like to see those pussies McGinn and Mallahan try and f**k with me now! This is what they'd get!"

Still reeling after his recent primary loss to Mike McGinn and Larry Mallahan, the soon-to-be former city leader seemed less concerned with discussing Seattle politics and more focused on demonstrating to onlookers the "proper way to preserve wild cat meat."