Monday, December 28, 2015

Rest in Peace Steve Henderson

O CAPTAIN! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,
The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won,
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up -- for you the flag is flung -- for you the bugle trills,
For you bouquets and ribbon'd wreaths -- for you the shores a-crowding,
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head!
It is some dream that on the deck
You 'ye fallen cold and dead.
My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,
The ship is anchor'd safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,
From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;
Exult O shores, and ring O bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Protesters Win; Shell Oil Goes out of Business

Seattle, WA
It read like a Hollywood script, a small group of intellectuals forced to take on an industry giant to save Planet Earth from total destruction. But that is exactly what happened last week in the waters of Puget Sound. To most of us, the Shell oil rig that docked in Seattle was just one of a thousand rigs working around the world. But to the more learned audience, this particular rig means disaster. According to "Junebug", this rig has the capabilities of drilling oil on the moon and piping it back to Earth which then carries the potential of a space spill. "Imagine if every airplane in the sky was dumping oil or some byproduct into the atmosphere, that is what it would be like." she explained.
The protesters united for battle on the sea with their kayaks aligned like the cavalry of Genghis Khan. Shell Oil in it's 100 year history had never experienced anything of this magnitude.While most people were busy at work, this small group of underdogs had dismantled the 4th largest company in the world. As of yesterday, Shell Oil had closed the doors on it's headquarters one last time.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Where's LowTide?

Our very own LowTide was captured on film recently by the Seattle Times. For those of you in the know, capturing LowTide on film can be more rare than capturing footage of Bigfoot himself, and certainly more dangerous.

For the photographers at the Seattle Times, a warning...  LowTide does not appreciate your soul-stealing treachery...especially when attempting to purchase superfluous pieces of Flying Bird on the down low. May God and LowTide have mercy on you when they team up to hunt you down...

In the us find Lowtide!!!! Can you find him???? He's in there...

 - Clambaker

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Who's more Seattley than Seattle? Portland, apparently...

God damnit, Seattleites...are you going to stand for this shit? Portland is out-boycotting Seattle...your home!! YOUR HOME!!! The place you retire to at the end of a long day of heavy computing to eat your gluten-free lettuce wraps!! YOUR FUCKING HOME!

Well, I say fuck that and fuck Portland! Get out there and boycott something right now, you lazy boobs. May I suggest tunnels, to start?

And if you're one of the 27.3% who are already boycotting something... a big "thank you!" You people are doing great. But, Clambaker thinks you can do better! Either continue boycotting the current thing you are boycotting, only harder....OR...boycott something new! Like tunnels. Unless you're already boycotting tunnels...then boycott tunnels harder...because the movement needs you...

 - Clambaker

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Seattle Mariners Unveil New Uniform Design


   In efforts to keep up with the unsustainable popularity of the Seahawks, the Mariners recently unveiled the new uniforms for the upcoming season. The design is a combination of both old and new Seattle featuring the Kingdome and the Great Wheel.

Monday, January 5, 2015

Toodle oo, Flying Bird...

The new year traditionally marks a time for new beginnings.

New promises await on the hopes and dreams abound in our hearts... It is a time for reflection...for hope...for promise...for family and friends to come together...for drinking too many hot-buttered rums and telling your cousin to go fuck himself and then falling down the front porch steps and lacerating your left pinky finger and then waking up in the same shirt, covered in dried vomit and Ritz cracker crumbs and three missed calls and a voicemail on your cell phone from your aunt asking if you made it home ok…

Unfortunately, the promise that was 2015 has died as quickly as a baby seal left alone on Alki beach...

Ladies and gentlemen...The Kalakala (Or "Flying Bird" in Chinook) is in trouble. She's set to be torn apart...rivet by rivet...stripped down to her bare bones...plundered, raped and pillaged...all so you and your white collar, capitalist 1% friends can have a few more 12 piece toasters in your McMansions and a fancy new metal mini replica Bertha in your stocking every single Christmas. 

Have you no soul, Washington? What the fuck is wrong with you?

More importantly…Where the fuck will Harry Wappler’s giant-headed ghost live once Flying Bird is scrapped? Who's going to take him in?

 - Clambaker