Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Late night bet at bar to ride trike across state ends miserably in morning traffic

Colville, WA
As the morning sun was rising and people were on their way to work, one man's journey was coming to a sobering end. It was a journey that had started only a few hours before and was scheduled to last for days.

It all started late last night at the Logger Tavern where local patron Ernesto Reyes was in a heated argument with a coworker over who could do more push-ups. The coworker, being much younger, easily won the contest, but Reyes wasn't finished. He then claimed he could ride his recently purchased tricycle across the state, all the way to the ocean.

"Ever since he bought that tricycle, he thinks he's some sort of Olympic athlete, the Mexican Lance Armstrong as he puts it." stated the bartender. "He comes in every night bragging about how far he rides and how much weight he's losing. I haven't seen it, but I have seen him fall off that thing a few times."

As the coworker and several other patrons took up the bets, Reyes set out on his trike, destination; the Pacific Ocean. After only a few hours of riding, Reyes finally conceded the bet when he realized he had only circled the block a few times. Swaying in and out of the morning traffic, he eventually made it home. "I still think I can do it," he claimed. "I just need to get an earlier start in the day."

Monday, September 28, 2009

Everett Silvertips mascot “Lincoln” enraged by high cost of Starbucks muffins

Everett, WA.
When he isn’t leading the wave or giving away t-shirts for the WHL Everett Silvertips, you’ll find team mascot Lincoln at his local Starbucks, attempting to rally the crowd for an entirely different cause…the high price of Starbucks muffins.

As he looks menacingly through the display case, leaning threateningly over the glass, you can almost feel his sense of frustration.

“There they are…yes yes yes…look at them behind the glass…costing so much…god I want to pay less for them,” said Lincoln. “I can’t…I won’t…well maybe if I….fuck fuck fuck.” He then seemed to direct his attention toward the staff. “Hey asshole…how much is this muffin…this apple strudel shit right here. Oh yeah that’s right…too much,” he shouted as he turned around and walked out of the store.

For manager Ted Garrett, Lincoln’s visits have become an all too common event.

“I guess it probably started a couple of years ago,” said Garrett. “He came in one day and ordered a banana nut muffin with a side of honey. When the barista rang him up and told him the price, he just stood there, staring at her. It was unsettling. The expression on his face never changed. Then he drags his paw across his neck like some sort of throat-slashing gesture, turns around, and walks out.

Now he comes in here a couple of times a week, banging loudly on the display case, growling at customers, stuff like that. I even offered to show him how to make his own muffins once. He made fun of me and asked me if I knew of any other bears that could cook. I don’t know…he’s a great mascot…just a shitty customer.”

Friday, September 25, 2009

Man's vision of 35 years become reality with installation of schoolyard "bully phone"

Walla Walla, WA
A dream that started 35 years ago finally came true this week. Police Officer Tom Brink has spent the majority of his career lobbying the school board to install what he calls "bully phones" in all the elementary school playgrounds. This week, Blue Ridge elementary received the first bully phone in the city. The phone is mounted in the schools main recess area and is connected directly to Officer Brink's cell phone.

"It's tough being a kid, especially a kid with glasses," states Brink. "I can remember so many times wishing I could call the police while at recess. I guess there's not a lot of reasons a kid needs to wear glasses. I mean, they don't read that much, and they can't drive a car... but it's nice to know there is protection available."

So what's next for Officer Brink? He plans on getting the schools to install Help buttons inside all full size lockers.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

New Cougar Petting Zoo sparks outrage, controversy, but plenty of fun

Twisp, WA
The recent opening of “Wittle Wild Kitties Petting Farm and Learnin’ Zone” across from Gifford Pinchot Middle School has generated quite the buzz in this usually sleepy eastern Cascade town. While hundreds of children are literally bursting (yes…literally…I witnessed it) with glee at a chance to both tease and interact with the predators, more than a few parents have voiced their concerns over the new business.

For the father of 3rd grader Curtis “Freckles” Horace, there are quite a few questions that need to answered before he’ll grant his son permission to visit the Chevron parking lot turned petting farm. “I’d like to know what’s bein taught in that Learnin’ Zone,” said Michael Horace. “If Freckles comes back talkin about monkeys turnin into people, or healthcare, there’s gonna be problems.”

So far, the business has proven to be a financial windfall for owner/operator/trainer/learnin zone chief George Jenkins. And he isn’t being shy about downplaying the concerns voiced by others.

“Think of it like this,” said Jenkins. “If butterflies didn’t exist, cougars would be nature’s butterflies. We only call them cougars because butterflies exist and are already taking that name. You see my point? And if if’s and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas.”

Aside from the ability to interact with the wild mountain lions, the $10 admission also includes two saltine snack crackers, a complimentary mouse for live feeding, as well as a “poking stick” designed for encouraging less-than-willing cougars to participate.

“Our motto is FUN, FUN, safety, FUN, and FUN,” said Jenkins. “Because you can have big fun with cougars, as long as there’s a little safety in the middle.”

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Forks man not into the Twilight series

Forks, WA
As the Twilight tourism blitz winds down this summer, one man's mission of a new book series is gearing up. Bob Canton has lived in Forks his entire life and says he is fed up with the all the hype his small town has recently been submitted to. "Forks is not about vampires and bloodsucking homos," Bob explained. "It's time this town gets the literary recognition it deserves. What about The Magical Lives of Ducks, or There's a Mouse in the Universe? I think it's time the people of this city pull their heads out of their you know whats, and get over this Twilight shit."

The Forks Magical Duck Tour is scheduled to start the first week of October, featuring fireside readings from Mr. Canton. Seats are limited.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

It's on! Gov. Gregoire vs. Green River

Renton, WA
The rivers in Washington over the last few years have risen into the flood zones, and the Governor this week claimed,"We're not gonna take it anymore!" Standing along with her personal trainers and a river tactics specialist the Governor called for a bare knuckle brawl with what she claims to be her first victim, the Green River. "It's not stopping there," she claimed. "After I take down the Green River I'm coming after the Skagit, and the Puyallup, and I'm not stopping until this shit ends!"
The Green River had no comment.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Omak man promotes inanimate log to #1 pet…demotes lab Jake to #2

Omak, WA
Tension hovers in the air, blanketing the room like a thick fog covers a dewy meadow in the Omak morning mist. One look into the deep, brown eyes of 7-year old chocolate lab mix Jake, and you can almost feel the animosity, the regret, the years of pent-up frustration, and the deep-seated love and hate that only a dog and his owner can know.

His pet log coddled lovingly in his lap (a place once reserved for Jake), owner Fred Metzenberger doesn’t hesitate to heap praise upon his new companion. “Let me tell you something about this log,” said Metzenberger. You know how many times it has run away? Let me go ahead and answer that for you, smart guy……zeeeee-ro. It hasn’t once shit in my house, pissed on my leg, eaten my garbage, or puked on my hardwoods. Aside from the occasional splinter and being a little too pointy on the corners, ‘old loggy’ has been the ideal pet.”

Not surprisingly, Jake hasn’t been all too pleased with his demotion to #2. “One fucking time did I ever shit in the house. I was 2 months old. He acts like it happened yesterday. He puts water in my Purina for 7 fucking years and calls it ‘gravy,’ like I’m some kind of retard. I know what water is…it’s in the bowl next to my food! It’s not like if I tipped over my water dish and it spilled into my food, I’d be like, ‘oh look at me everyone, I just made gravy! Yum! Somebody get me a turkey to put this shit on!’ And do I say anything? Do I go off and promote my tennis ball to #1 owner, holding it in my lap like it’s some sort of genius?”

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Band member enjoys coolest day of his life

Mt Vernon, WA
The years spent practicing and marching around with Mt Vernon's Revolutionary Band Corps have finally paid off for one lucky oboist. Brett Davis was made honorary review-man in last weeks Berry Parade, topping off a journey that started when he was 11 years old.

The job of the review-man is to patrol through the ranks before the ceremony, ensuring everyone is in proper uniform and in tune. "It was the sh*t!" Brett exclaimed. "I finally got to correct everybody on all the mistakes with their uniforms. I mean some of these guys are f*@king idiots. Did you see that crease in Ricky's pantaloons? No...of course you didn't. That's why you're a reporter and I'm a review man. Completely unacceptable."

It wasn't all great for everyone though. Grumblings about Brett could be heard through out the Corps. One band member stated, "They only gave it to him because he's such a whiner. He plays the oboe, who the f*@k wants to play an oboe?"

But for this inspired musician, the future couldn't be brighter. "Yeah things are looking good, I'm growing out a goatee, talking to girls, who knows, maybe it's time for me to put out a solo album."

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Family excited to see son out of the house

Federal Way, WA
Raising a teenager these days comes with many challenges, but along with them come small victories. That was the case of one couple yesterday when their year long goal was achieved by taking their son to the mall. Tina and Mark Lang bought their son Bobby an Xbox for Christmas last year, and since then he has barely left his room.

"We had thought we tried everything," says Tina. "First we tried starving him out of his room, but he was losing so much weight we got concerned. He wouldn't even go to school so I just started homeschooling him in his room. And I've learned to incorporate things, like from Grand Theft Auto, into learning tools."

It was Mark who came up with the idea of taking their son to the local video game store at the mall. Then, with several applications of sun tan lotion and Gameboy in hand, the family took their first drive together in almost a year. "It's a great day for the Lang family!" Mark exclaims. "Sure it is tough sometimes, but we'd rather have him safe in his room then getting messed up in gangs."

Monday, September 14, 2009

School District budgetary constraints force students to administer their own flu shots

Liberty Lake, WA
For students like Teresa Hutchinson (above), prepping her arm for a flu shot has become an all too typical part of her morning routine.

“It hurt the first couple of times, but that’s because I was trying to stick it in my ear,” said the 10-year old as she administered her daily vaccine over an oversized bowl of Apple Jacks. “I don’t understand all of the words on the bottle the school gave us. What’s a ‘chronic medical condition’? You want some apple j…j…j…j...j...jacks?”

Martha Gibbons (Liberty Lake School Superintendent/Mayor/Businesswoman/Catholic/Gemini/Kind of bushy eyebrows but not so bushy they look freaky...well maybe a little freaky) responded yesterday to critics of the school district’s recent policy change by issuing the following statement to the press:

“To whom it may concern, as well as to all normally-sized eyebrow folk whom I so deeply distrust,

We told all them students to tell their parents and/or adult supervisor to help them out with them injections. End a story!”

Dr. Franklin Berringer of the Washington State Board of Health had an entirely different reaction when asked his opinion of the recent policy change. “What? Is this a joke?” said Berringer. “Themselves? Daily inoculations? Where the fuck is Liberty Lake? "

Mike McGinn responds to allegations from Mallahan camp that he can’t ride a bike

Seattle, WA
Seattle Mayoral candidate Mike McGinn responded swiftly and decisively today to recent allegations from Mallahan campaign staffers that he never learned to ride a bike.

“This is me. This is my suit. This is my bike. It has saddle bags. This is me…and my suit…on my bike...with some lovely, newly purchased tea in my saddle bags. And as you can plainly see, I am indeed able to ride it” said McGinn.

Spokane officer upset with support in city's smallest ever drug bust

Spokane, WA
For rookie officer Sharon Blake, it seemed like a chance to not only show off her skills as a police woman, but also a chance to clean up the neighborhood. For her fellow officers, it was a just another chance to haze her.

Officer Blake joined the force last September and quickly earned a reputation as a go-getter by busting three river-walk patrons for being in the park after dusk. Later that month, while enjoying a Crunchwrap Supreme at a Taco Bell, Officer Blake overheard a conversation between a few college students claiming they were, "growing enough weed to last them 'til the next Harry Potter movie." Upon relaying the information to narcotics officers, she was informed that they were too busy dealing with "real problems." "I couldn't believe they weren't going to do anything about it," she said. "I mean...one detective even made quotation marks with his fingers while saying 'real problems.'"

Over the next eight months, Officer Blake tirelessly dedicated both her on and off-duty hours working on the case. until she was finally able to acquire all the necessary permits and warrants for an arrest. Early yesterday morning, while on a stakeout, she noticed the students leaving for class and decided it was time to call for back up. When no other officers arrived, she decided to go in alone. Once inside she found two marijuana plants that yielded an approximate street value of $600 worth of pot. She quickly removed the plants and contacted Waste Management officials, who were more than happy to come over and dispose of the weed.

"Others may mock me for some of my actions," she stated. "But what they can't mock is how much safer the city is because of them."

Friday, September 11, 2009

Recession creating bizarre times at annual Bazaar Days

Vashon Island, WA
The recent recession that has swept across the country this year has left no one safe, including islands. Proof of that comes in a recent string of violence this last week on Puget Sound's Vashon Island. The annual Bazaar Days, held the first week in September, usually offers a variety of home-made arts and crafts to the hundreds of onlookers and shoppers, but his year things turned ugly. Due to such low numbers in sales, many vendors took to the street in almost gang-like fashion, harassing and assaulting many of the tourists.

The rampage started around 1:00 pm when soap vendor Lisa Campbell got so fed up with the people walking by and not trying a free sample, she ran from behind her booth and pushed a shopper to the ground. "I've got boxes of lavender bars back here," she yelled. "I've got horses to feed! How am I supposed to pay for that?" That event kicked off a string of attacks, as festival goers were sent racing to their cars.

The local police officer on duty was called to the scene but refused to take any action. "I've never had any sort of formal police training," claims Deputy Jonah Bush. "They just gave me this job because I've never smoked weed, and these women are all hopped up on Chai and wild honey."

Eventually, the situation calmed and the vendors returned to packing up their goods. But for now, Vashon Island remains in a quiet unrest. Patrons are returning to the shops and organic markets, but the tourists are gone. Most people feel it is just safer to get their huckleberries elsewhere.

Bainbridge Island Physics Club overcomes hurdles, challenges…builds large box with motor inside

Bainbridge Island, WA
For Greg Utledge and his brainy band of Bainbridge Island High School Physics Club members, this summer marked the realization of a 2 year dream to accomplish the impossible – building an elevated box with a motor inside. “We started this project back in 2007, with little more than a motor and a large box, which wasn’t even elevated. I mean it was just sitting on the ground…empty…with no motor inside of it…if you can believe that!” said Utledge.

The nearly 2 year project involved an enormous amount of work, from moving the motor inside the box, to elevating the box above ground, to finally building a metal ramp to access the box once it was elevated. When asked who she credited with being the single most important team member of the project, Junior Nancy Lewis didn’t hesitate. “Jesus,” she said.

“We’re extremely proud of the work Greg and his students have accomplished,” said Bainbridge HS Principal Mark Davies. “This is a monument to science and a testament to what can happen when you combine a little imagination and a whole lot of teamwork. Not one single member of this institution thought they were serious about building an elevated box with a motor in it. I’m serious. Not one. I still can’t believe they did it.”

Though the group faced their fair share of hurdles along the way, possibly none was more heart-breaking than losing Junior Stacy Kyle in 2008 to a long battle with Rickets. “She was the heart of our club,” said Utledge. I just wish she enjoyed Vitamin D as much as she did science.”

Minor Brouhaha erupts at Cashmere City Council meeting

Cashmere, WA.
A heated exchange developed today between Cashmere City Council member Teddy Morris and Council Chairperson Bill Flannigan over the newly instituted dress code policy for council meetings. On Tuesday, the council passed resolution 484, expressly forbidding t-shirts and shorts while in session, by a margin of 7-1, with Morris representing the lone vote against the resolution.

Defiantly donning a pair of khaki shorts and simple white t-shirt, Morris chided and lambasted the other council members for their “blatant persecution.”

“F**k them! They got horse s**t for brains," said Morris. “This isn’t about my godda**ed t-shirt. They want retribution because I signed up to bring dessert to this summer’s potluck lunch and brought a Jello. Jello is a f**king dessert! Ask anyone! It’s not my fault no one ate it. Ester brings a hot bowl of bean dip and they practically give her a key to the f**king city! And it’s not like it was just Jello…I put a whipped cream frosting on it for Christ’s sake! REAL whipped cream too! It wasn’t no f**king Cool Whip like they said…”

Asked whether Morris would face any disciplinary action for his complete disregard for the recently passed dress code resolution, Council Chairperson Bill Flannigan answered, “It’s extremely frustrating. I’m not sure what we can do. Teddy isn’t even a council member anymore. He moved to Wenatchee 5 years ago! You can’t live in Wenatchee and represent Cashmere. I can’t even remember how many times we’ve all explained that to him. Yet he shows up here every day, pretending to vote on motions, and complaining about some Jello he made in the 70’s that no one wanted to eat. I’m out of ideas.”

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Chris Gregoire offers wampum as incentive for Makah to keep roots in Washington

Neah Bay, WA
Upon hearing the recent news that tribal elders of the Makah nation were seriously considering a relocation offer to Oregon, Gov. Chris Gregoire today offered a "peace basket" as a show of non-aggression and support to local tribal leaders in hopes of "keeping their feet planted here in the great State of Washington, where they belong." The basket contained a wide variety and mix of both local state favorites and traditional Makah goodies, including a $12 Gift Certificate to Aplets&Cotlets.com, a sizable piece of KingDome rubble, various-colored dream catchers, 2 bottles of Chateau St. Michelle merlot, and a winters worth of blankets and antibiotics.

Mayor Nickels tracks, traps, devours recently released Cougar

Snohomish County, WA
"This cat is so f***ing delicious! Eat some, you sh**heads!," exclaimed the recently deposed mayor as he reached for another piece of hindquarter. "I'd like to see those pussies McGinn and Mallahan try and f**k with me now! This is what they'd get!"

Still reeling after his recent primary loss to Mike McGinn and Larry Mallahan, the soon-to-be former city leader seemed less concerned with discussing Seattle politics and more focused on demonstrating to onlookers the "proper way to preserve wild cat meat."