Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Drum Circle Soothes Hippy Mob into Mellow

Seattle, WA

You may have been downtown this weekend and noticed the smell of Olympia in the air. Which only means one thing, the NW Folklife festival is on. Every Memorial Day weekend, thousands of young and unemployed make their pilgrimage to the Seattle Center for a weekend of dancing, drugs, and defecation on public grounds. The Folklife Festival was originally formed to showcase the talent of the many cultures in the region, but over the years it has been the so called talent of our local culture that has provided the bulk of entertainment for on lookers.

The weekend usually ends peacefully with nothing more than a few grass stained knees, but this year it almost turned ugly. As the sun started to break through on a calm Monday afternoon, the piroshky booth suddenly found themselves out of veggie pastries. As the news spread around the grounds to the hungry dancers, a heavy unease fell around the place. Many families began to exit as word of a protest was forming.

Seattle Police quickly stepped in with their latest development in riot control, a ten man drum circle. The team was able to subdue the mob long enough to make them forget what they were upset about, and the weekend ended as peacefully as it started.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Remember this guy? He's now giving 1.9% less

Olympia, WA
News came out this week that the state budget was balanced. That should be news all in itself. Every company does this, it is mandatory to success. But the government is different. They have the people's interest to look out for. With the number one interest being our future.

So why in the world would the state decide that teachers should take a pay cut? Teachers are the smartest people voted into their position by the state to... Just learned that that teachers volunteer to do that job. Also just learned that they don't work summers. What the fuck??

Are you kidding me? No summers? What? Two weeks at Christmas, a week for spring? What...the...fuck?

OK, I realize I've learned a lot from teachers. I wouldn't be able to type this if it wasn't for my alcoholic divorced bitch of a typing teacher I had. Imagine if she didn't devote all her efforts into her job. I might think z was where q was. Do you really want to cut her pay? I do. Typing teacher??? That's your job? I can learn that without you bitch, just like your husband told you I could. And you think you deserve the summer off?

Sorry good teachers out there who take their job serious, but I went to school. I know the deal without having to sit in the teachers lounge. (you have a lounge, I have a lunchroom). But I know as an adult that a pay cut is nothing that I will ever feel sorry about.

P.S. I was raped by my typing teacher

WSDOT claims the Alaskan Way Viaduct is stronger than the Earth!

Seattle, WA 
Viaduct 1, State computer nerds 0


I don't think your scary simulation video serves its intended purpose.  I, for one, was surprised how well the viaduct withstood your fancy compu-quake!  It shook for a LONG time before it collapsed, and then only sections of it collapsed...SECTIONS!!!!  Not the whole thing!  S...E...C...T...I...O...N...S!!  More than half is still standing. "Old Mr. Standy" (that's my new name for it) can take whatever our high-powered state computer nerds can dish out. 

Hardly any loss of life too.  I feel bad for that computer-generated avatar guy at 4:19 who's car was about to go up in flames though.  At least he died with a nice view of the Olympics.  Actually...he might have survived.  Upon importing this video into photoshop and magnifying it 10,000 times, it looks like he has enough room to crawl out of the passenger side...maybe...if he's not too fat...and had both arms intact and at least 80% functional...90% if he's a Belltown hipster, given their puny and genetically inferior arm structure...and this is Seattle...odds are he WAS a Belltown hipster...too bad for you Belltown hipster man...shouldn'ta eaten so much tofu and bok choy...

I do like how this movie ends on a happy note though..."no tsunami expected."  That's nice.  Too late for puny, weak-armed Belltown hipster man, but uplifting for us survivors.  If you really wanted to capture our attention, you should have ended it like the first Back to the Future...in suspense..."Tsunami expected?  Find out December 2012..."  Then we'd all sit around for a couple of years stocking up on canned food and getting ready for the sequel. 

I used to think the viaduct was weak..weak like a state such as...oh I don't know...California...or Connecticut.  Now I see that it is strong...strong like the state of Washington.

Words I would now use that best describe the viaduct:
  • sectionally superior
  • partially stable
  • seawally
  • Washington strong
  • non-liquefied...unlike the Earth underneath it!  The viaduct is stronger than the EARTH!   THINK ABOUT THAT CITY COUNCIL!!!
 - Clambaker

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Thank you, Please

Well as you can see, this is all that remains from my duck farm venture. One final piece of balut rests on my plate as I ponder things gone wrong and lessons learned from them. With each crunch of his tiny bones, a memory of the paths I chose and decisions made. But not all was bad, I made great friends and many lessons were learned. Things like duck rape is real.

But I can't say how great it is to be back in Washington State and even better to be back bringing the news to the people. After being gone so long, it is nice to look around and notice the changes that have been made over the last year. Some of it possibly at the requests and demands of our loyal patrons. I think it shows that when we all band together, how powerful a voice can be.

Take for instance the new tunnel along the rebuilt seawall. Two years ago there was only idle talk of whether or not to even build such a tunnel. Now, the downtown waterfront is truly a gem in the Emerald State. And to see packed car after packed car of people riding the Light Rail, lets me know we have the planning and foresight necessary to move forward. I never would have thought so many people commuted from Tukwila to the neighborhood of Othello. But then again, I never even knew of Othello.

I'm excited for a return to breaking news stories and in depth journalism to keep the public abreast of all things that is The Washington Apple.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

And......we're back!

Don’t worry, loyal reader.  I know what you’re thinking… “Well, where the fuck have you been?  Why haven’t you posted anything?  You have a new follower named Steve Elliott!  Whoa, are my eyebrows getting bushier?  Does binge drinking only on weekends make me an alcoholic if I don’t drink during the week?  Quaker Corn Bran is surprisingly delicious!"

Those are all very good questions, and I……HEY, wait a minute!!  Not all of those are questions!!  A couple of those are statements!! You tricky readers!!

Anyways…M.C. Razor and I had to take a little break from the day-to-day operations of the Apple.  When you’re the creative geniuses behind the greatest state’s greatest news blog, sometimes life can get a little hectic. 

Now, people deal with that hecticicity in a whole myriad of different ways.  Some people (you) use alcohol to cope.  Some people (you and your friends) use drugs to forget your troubles. Some people (M.C. Razor) up and move to The Philippines and spend half their 401k trying to start a non-profit Petting Farm for ducks…where instead of having an assuredly delightful opportunity to pet a duck, the duck is instead trained to pet you!  (Don’t laugh…it’s actually a pretty good idea when you think about it…)

Long story short, we’ve been derelict in our sworn duty to provide you with a hilarious alternative to the great state of Washington’s “traditional” media outlets.  For that, we at the Apple are truly sorry. 

For the last few weeks, we’ve been hard at work developing new ideas, formats, strategies, format strategies, idea formats, etc.  We’ve taken this work very seriously, and with you our loyal readership in mind, have vowed to reshape the Apple into the quality product you so richly deserve.

In fact, I presented our organization with our 2011 operating philosophy and guiding principles just today:
Washington Apple staff,
Firstly, I apologize for this company-wide communication.  In an era where corporate in-boxes are filled to capacity and the majority of our days are spent simply sifting through various communications, I fully realize and appreciate the importance of your time.  I’ve also just snorted a line of dish-washing detergent and can’t remember the shortcut for the paste command.

I wanted to take this opportunity to both reflect upon where our organization has been over the last couple of years, as well as share with you my vision for 2011 and beyond.

2009 represented unprecedented growth in our business.  Our readership grew by 300%, our profits soared up to a level usually reserved for only the baldest of eagles and seaiest of seahawks, and we made serious dents in the profit margins of the evil lords Aplet and Cotlet.  We stood on the shoulders of Mt. Rainier and proclaimed ourselves the Ken Griffey Juniors* (*early/mid-nineties version) of the internet.

However, for all of our successes in 2009, 2010 demonstrated how quickly the proverbial tides can shift. To be blunt, we were buried in the deepiest of deep, coastal, fluvial sands…at depths only our friends, the razor clams, could possibly understand and relate to.  In short, our hour was dark…darker than the financial future of a University of Idaho graduate.

But 2011 promises to be an inspiring and dramatic year for all of us.  We’ve doubled our number of associates, expanded into the Food, Weather, and NW Life business channels, and created a blueprint for growth that promises to dwarf even the most robust of industry expectations.

To that end, we have implemented the following staffing model changes, effective immediately:

  • Co-CEO, Chairman and Founder MC Razor will continue in his current, self-assigned role as “ideas guy.” He will also maintain complete creative control and day-to-day management of the hard-working associates over in our Army Jokes division.  He has been a tireless proponent and advocate for our organization (when sober), and his years of service represent the gold standard of our industry.
  • Newly-hired Radulartooth will take on our rapid-growth Food and Weather business channel segments.  Radulartooth brings a wealth of new ideas to our organization, as well as an alarmingly low level of industry experience.  When Radulartooth opened his interview by yelling the words, “life is short…use an axe!!,” I decided right then and there that he possessed a certain “je ne sais quois…” that perfect storm of instinct, moxie, bravado, chutzpah and insanity for our organization.
  • Newly-hired LowTide will be responsible for building our new NW Life division from the ground up and from the rain clouds down.  I can tell you from experience that LowTide doesn’t just define the Washingtonian lifestyle, he truly lives and embodies the term “NW native.”  Surly, gruff, unapologetically and unabashedly distrustful of outsiders, his stare alone has been known to drive the most confident of re-located Californian out of Ballard and back to the friendly confines of their overly sunny, southerly home.  I believe we’ve hired no one less than the Emmett Watson of our generation.

If we would like to move forward as an organization, we must respect the past, learn from our mistakes, celebrate our successes, and embrace our destiny.  We know from experience that our customers are fickle, and that they demand no less than semi-lucidity from our staff.  I expect nothing less than 12.89% from all of you as we look forward to a future of both continuing to grow our business, as well as bringing shame and financial ruin to all Aplets and/or Cotlet purveyors (oh…and more embarrassment to Scott Spiezio).


Co-CEO, Chairman and Founder
The Washington Apple

So, you see?  We're freakin' serious! I'm probably most excited about our new staff members.  Of course, we'll all need to give them some time to get acclimated to the space around here.  There's always that new job administrative stuff that you've got to get out of the way that first week: learning where the bathrooms are, filling out your 401k documents, learning not to masturbate at work, etc.  But once they start to feel settled and ready to dive in, expect the unexpected!  Wait...no...expect great things!  Wait...expect the unexpected...unless you expect great things...in which case you simply expect way too much...god you're a selfish reader!

It's good to be back.

  - Clambaker