Sunday, October 28, 2012

The Most Important Election Ever, in History, and the World, and Space

Olympia, WA
It only seems like last year that Booth Gardner was standing on his podium demanding that Mr. Gorbachev tear down that wall, and yet here we are at another Governor election. I would assume by this point everyone is clear on the issues and the ideas the candidates plan on implementing, but I know the truth... No one gives a shit. So let's highlight a few topics here that are really in the hearts of the voters.

Rob McKenna                                                                Jay Inslee
Never been to Woodland Park Zoo                                Never been to Zoolights
Thinks Ashton is better on Two and a Half Men             Sheen, likes the original
Doesn't care for Apollo Ono's soul patch                       Beat Megan Quann in
                                                                                        a backstoke race
Once ate a spotted owl for survival                                Doesn't believe in bald eagles
Total ski bum                                                                  Scared to drive over the pass
Applebee's                                                                      Olive Garden
Sleeps till noon on Saturdays                                         Goes to bed at noon

This should help clear up any questions you had about the candidates. And be sure to get out there and vote, because if you don't, no one will win...Or someone will still win, I guess it doesn't matter.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

State-Off #5 - Florida vs. Washington

Hey, look at that! We’re 10% into the state-off competitions! If we continue at our present rate, we’ll be finished with all of the states by 2021.

2021!! The future!!

Think about that for a second. What do you think you’ll be doing in 2021?

HAHA! Sucker! You’re going to be doing the same thing you’re doing now…except you’ll be much older…and uglier…WAY uglier, even. Look in the mirror. Picture your eyelid 4 inches further down your face. Take your ear and stretch it to 3 times its current size and cover it in hair and dark spots. This is what you’re going to look like. You’re hideous!

Have you ever noticed how most people look toward the future? Like the future is some amazing thing to look forward to? Well, let me tell you something. Those people are dumb! The future is your worst enemy!

There’s nothing in the future for you but certain death! Your body will age and begin to fail…you will grow out of touch with reality…everyone you know will start dying…want to get a preview of your future? Here you go…

Monday, September 17, 2012

Anti-Fire Video Ignites Eastern Washington Protests

Wenatchee, WAA recent video created by the Washington State Forest Service has sparked off a series of protests in the region of central Washington. The video was meant to provide campers with tips on campfire safety, but once it was uploaded to the internet, fire got angry!
The controversial video showed a forest ranger extinguishing a campfire and exclaiming over and over how stupid fire was and it needs to be stomped out.  Soon after it's release, fire started protesting near Ellensburg and has now escalated to the point where it is threatening the capital of all the hearts of Washingtonians, the mother fucking Applets and Cotlets factory. "This can't happen, please don't let this happen!", exclaimed everyone.
When reached for a comment, all fire had to say was, "Fire mad!"

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Ask the Mask

Here is your chance to ask the Gov. Christine Gregoire Mask questions about life, love, and BBQ cooking.

Reader: Dear Mask,  Do you think the government has any UFO's in captivity?

Gregoire Mask: Fool! Thou hast awoken me from my slumber and shall pay the ultimate price! Hatred and scorn shall accompany you and your hands and feet shall grow wearisome. The government has never claimed to have any extra terrestrial material in their possession. Now thou shalt perish under my wrathful lazy eye!

Reader: What do you think about me getting a tattoo of my cat and I fighting the devil, but also an inverse of the same tattoo on my cat with me and the devil fighting against my cat?

Gregoire Mask: Wicked...

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Nickels finds McGinn's playbook. Shopping for bike on Craigslist.

                                               "16% of you get a fucking kiss."

Secretary of State -  

Kim Wyman (R)     360,304     39%
Mike the Mover (R)  195,884     21%
"Griz" Nickels                            16%


Wednesday, July 25, 2012

President Obama makes Seattle speech

                                                                "Keep your Top Pot!"

Seattle, WA
The President stopped by for a fund raising dinner yesterday at the home of the former Costco CEO's house. He held a private dinner for a few guests and no media was allowed to be present. But...thanks to our great make up staff here at The Apple, I was able to attend under the guise of Lenny Wilkens. So the following is a brief recap of what the president and the guests discussed.

First, President Obama came outside to the dining area dressed sharply in a crisp new pair of Kirkland Signature jeans. I couldn't believe how great they look when they are brand new. He sat down and after a little friendly banter he agreed to get down to business. He stated his top priority while in Seattle was to try a bacon maple bar from Voodoo Donuts. "Can you imagine that combo?" he asked. "Bacon on a maple bar, just imagine. Think about it, you have salty bacon with that sweet sweet maple frosting. I bet Mitt Romney doesn't like those. He probably likes plain glazed. He probably cuts a donut in half and tells everyone he can only eat half a donut but in his head he wants the whole thing. I'll eat the whole thing. Heck, if you hand me two bacon maple bars, I'll eat them both. Somebody hand me two donuts right now" Then someone (Greg Nickels) unwisely pointed out that Voodoo Donuts was in Portland and the evening affair was all but over.

The president had three caterers deported and took off with a jet pack.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

State-Off #4: Oklahoma…where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain…in the form of a giant, spinning, wind cylinder of death filled with corn, cows, tractors, and morbidly obese people who eat chili-cheese-fries for dinner…

Yeah yeah yeah…I know. It’s not fair. Pitting Oklahoma against Washington is like pitting the Seattle Storm ladies basketball squad against a three-legged duck with Down syndrome (with one of its three legs super-glued to its beak). Sure, the final score might be close, but it just wouldn’t be any fun to watch. Wait…what am I saying? That would actually be pretty fun to watch!! (Hmmmm…in retrospect, this isn’t a very good analogy…but I’m too lazy to go back and come up with a better one…do you mind? No? Okay good. Let’s continue…)

But guess what? Sometimes life isn’t fair! There are 49 other shitty states out there and we had to get to Oklahoma some time. And let’s be honest, at the rate Washington Apple articles have been churned out lately, you’re lucky you get it now and not in your 80’s. Who knows what MC Razor, LowTide and I will be writing about in 2062? You can’t take that risk!

Let’s get this over with…

Friday, April 6, 2012

2012 Seattle Mariners vow to "try their hardest!"

Another Seattle Mariners opening night is upon us. Faced with the grim prospect of having to play against an increasingly talented AL West, this 2012 squad of scrappy can-doers has vowed to "try their hardest" and "not get hurt."

In fact, if they try really really really really hard, manager Eric Wedge has promised to throw them a pizza party. As a bonus incentive, there will be ice cream if no one gets hurt.

Go team! Go Mariners! Try hard! Don't get hurt!

You guys are going to try really hard...right? Please? For Clambaker?

 - Clambaker

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Behold the future! New 520 bridge will bring Aurora Borealis to Washington

Olympia, WA.
Prepare to get high and watch the sky, Washington ( you needed a're probably high and watching the sky right now).

News out of the Washington State Department of Transportation (WSDOT) is that the new 520 bridge project, once complete, will enable Washingtonians in the Puget Sound area to have crystal clear views of the Aurora Borealis...all day...every day...sometimes...always.

Through our connections with Gus Tonkle (fishing buddy to the neighbor of the niece of the bartender at Ferndale's "Jonah's Fish & Chips & Cement & Cigar Shop & Crocodile Petting Farm & Daycare Service," who is the cousin of the guy who sold his old truck to the maid to Governor Chris Gregoire's gyncocologist's massage therapist's monocle dealer), we were granted an interview with WSDOT 520 Bridge Project Manager Jeremy "Der" Derwin.

Washington Apple: "Okay man...hey thanks for doing this, by the way. That picture is HI...LAR...I...OUS!!! I want to ask you how much it cost to have completed, but I'm a little afraid I'd poop all up in these new pants I'm wearing. You feel me?
My question is, how will the new 520 bridge allow Puget Sounder dwellers a more visible display of the Aurora Borealis?

Der: "A magnetic field is a mathematical description of the magnetic influence of electric currents and magnetic materials. The magnetic field at any given point is specified by both a direction and a magnitude (or strength); as such it is a vector field. The magnetic field is most commonly defined in terms of the Lorentz force it exerts on moving electric charges. There are two separate but closely related fields to which the name 'magnetic field' can refer: a magnetic B field and a magnetic H field."

Washington Apple:  "HAHAHAHAHAHA.....................................Wait...hold left shoe's untied. Ugh...don't you hate that???? Fuck man...I should probably tie it. Okay...yep...almost done...there we go...........oops...hahahaha...oh there's a knot I can' you have a fork I could borrow? Wait...nevermind...I'll deal with it later...
Magnets huh? Interesting............hey, thanks man. You did a great job! I will now terminate this interview."

In addition to the spectacular, sweeping views of the Aurora Borealis, the future 520 bridge will also apparently include:
  • A large open walkway/bike lane capable of carrying the 50,000+ people who are planning to walk back and forth to their job at Microsoft from Ballard every day
  • High speed, high occupancy laser beam-only lanes
  • A salute to the anniversary of The Matrix! Giant, neon-turquoise lit support columns (seriously...what the fuck are those things?)
  • Enough cool shit that a young couple decides to take a Saturday evening stroll on the 520 bridge to check it out. Or......maybe they're just walking home from work.......
 - Clambaker

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Hope Solo signs with Women Sounders. Wait.... Whaaaat??

Tukwila, WA
Here at the Apple we might consider ourselves sports fans. We like the Mariners, the Rainiers, the Seahawks, and of course our favorite, the Storm who as of tonight just advanced to the next round of the playoffs! (Just kidding about the playoffs, but you wouldn't know) So when the news broke today about the US star goal keeper coming to play with the womens Sounders team, my immediate reaction was, I have to look this up on the internet. And sure enough, there is not only a womens soccer team, but there is an entire league!

Now I know you must be eager to learn more about all this, so I did some research to save you some time and posted some frequently asked questions below.

W-Sounders FAQ
1. Are the rules in the W-league the same rules as in the MLS?
A) No. There is no scoring in the W-league. This was always sort of an "unwritten" rule, but as of this season the refs will be watching out for it.

2. My friends and I suffer from "Cold Neck" so we must wear scarves to sporting events. Will we still fit in at a W-Sounders game?
A) No. Although the W-Sounders sympathize with victims of Cold Neck Syndrome or CNS, they would prefer to let the stadium be more of a home for those with Ankle Freeze and who are forced to wear leg warmers to the match.

3. I am really excited for the season. When does the schedule come out?
A) The coaches and the players parents will have a meeting next week to determine the best time slots for everyone. The schedule should come out soon after that.

4. I have heard drums and singing at the MLS Sounders game. Can I expect that here too?
A) No. The drums and the singing you heard was an idea the fans had to give them something to do during the game. The W-Sounders encourage you to bring a Kindle.

Monday, February 13, 2012

OK gay people, let's set something straight...

Olympia, WA
Well you got the right to legally get married in this state now and to that I will say congratulations. But I will also say...You blew it! Oh man, you had a great thing going. It was the ultimate out of any relationship. Total sense of freedom at all times. You could have been in a totally long and meaningful relationship and then one day just decide you don't want to go home and the next thing you know you are making grape soda in the back of an old school bus in Fairbanks and no one could do anything about it!

Or anytime your significant other put any pressure on you, the easy reply was yeah, I know, bummer about this whole legal stuff, huh? Well all that is in the past now. Time to move forward and enjoy the world of divorce attorneys and alimony.

And a little insiders wedding tip, The best time to have a wedding is in the middle of a 3 day weekend. It will give people something to do!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

And Leon's getting larger!

What up bithches! Mother fucking La Niña here! I hope all y’all coffee drinking, snowboarding, all wheel left lane driving, backyard chicken farming, Pikes Place Market shopping, Denny regrading, geoduck digging, sharrow making, seal sitting, river un-damming peoples really enjoyed the polar and subtropical jet streams I just pumped you with over the last ten days. Just call this current storm SUCK IT! Because that’s what I named it before I sent her on in to punish your yuppie asses! I know what a dick right! Well tough shit, maybe you shouldn’t live so close to Alaska and hell you should thank me for letting you use the name SUCK IT! Now you don’t have to fill out some lame ass storm name web poll. And you know you like me; I give you endless hours of snow stories, days off, overtime for electrical workers (what up IBEW77) and a reason to bitch on live local TV about how your rural meth cooking community has been without power for 1 day! Boohoo! I will not rest until I flood all your rivers this spring and get granted another state of emergency (she’s not my Governor!) And please don’t be offended by me, I am only a coupled ocean-atmosphere phenomenon that is the counterpart of El Niño(ugly cousin) as part of the broader El Niño-Southern Oscillation climate pattern. During my period, the sea surface temperature across the equatorial Eastern Central Pacific Ocean will be lower than normal by 3–5 °C. In the United States, my episode is defined as a period of at least 5 months of La Niña conditions. My name originates from Spanish, meaning "the girl,"(if you comment on my name I will flood you) analogous to El Niño meaning "the boy"(A whinny bitch in my eyes.) La Niña, sometimes informally called "anti-El Niño", is the opposite of El Niño, where the latter corresponds instead to a higher(don’t laugh you hippy) sea surface temperature by a deviation of at least 0.5 °C, and my effects are often the reverse of those of El Niño. El Niño is famous (famous my ass) due to its potentially catastrophic impact on the weather along both the Chilean, Peruvian, New Zealand, and Australian coasts, among others. I am often preceded by a strong (douchey) El Niño. Oh yeah and one more thing, that convergence zone bull shit you weather guys hype up all the time, that shit isn’t real! I’m just lazy!

La Niña

Talking rabbit discovered in Magnolia

You're a sane, rational person. At least.........I assume you're a person.........

I suppose animals can read. They don't read this blog though. The humor goes right over their head............WHOOSH! (That's the sound it makes going over their head) Bye bye humor! You'll never come back!

It's too complicated for them. If you haven't laughed yet, it's probably too complicated for you too. Come to think of it, why are you even here? You're such a stick in the mud. HAHA! You're such a stick in the mud, you dumdum!

Wait! Don't go, dumdum! I have a question for you!

Would you want to adopt a rabbit?


What if I told you that his name is "Fuzzy?"


What if I told you he is an old, elderly rabbit?


What if I told you he's deaf?


What if I told you he eats Italian parsley?


What if I told you that he's very easily startled?


What if I told you HE'S A MOTHER FUCKING TALKING RABBIT!!!!!!!!!