Thursday, November 5, 2009

Where’s your Swine Flu shot? Ask Mr. Twinkles…because he’s hoarding it.

Bellingham, WA.
As millions of Washingtonians scramble to find available H1N1 vaccinations, some extremely lucky Llamas are being given priority in the battle against this potentially dangerous yet extremely over-hyped virus.

For Llama-keeper Betsy Jorgensen and her live-in boyfriend Walter “Lucky” Harris, the danger to their Llama herd is nothing to sneeze at (haha…me make swine flu pun!).

“It’s important to inoculate these animals,” said Lucky. "Can you imagine the devastation a swine-flu pandemic would bring to the Llama population? It would be a game changer. Where do you think that Llama-hair coat you’re wearing comes from? Or that Llama-hair blanket you cuddle up all warm and cozy under at night? Or that Llamanade you’re drinking? That’s right! Llamas! Freedom isn’t free! And neither is this shot for Mr. Twinkles here by the way!”

As you might imagine, gaining the trust of these animals is both a delicate and hilarious process. “We drop a trail of candy corn that leads to the butchering pen,” said Jorgensen. “Don’t worry. It sounds ominous...but it’s more of a butchering kennel.”

For resident Llama “Mr. Twinkles,” the tactic is anything but new.

“Ah yes, that fucking candy corn,” said Mr. Twinkles. “It gets me every time. I followed a delicious trail of that goodness into this very same pen about a year ago. One minute I’m in candy corn heaven, and the next minute I’m hobbling back out to pasture, minus one pair of Llama testicles. It’s easy to stand there and tell me that I should be able to learn that a trail of candy corn is probably there to lure me into something I wouldn’t otherwise willingly agree to. And that’s a fair point. You got me there. No excuses.

But look, you’re a people...you make the candy corn…or you at least you make complex economic systems that import it from China. You have hands and fingers to carefully place the candy corn on the ground in the form of a trail that I will likely follow wherever its irresistible aroma takes me. Who bears the burden of guilt here then, I ask you? Me? A Llama? Or you, the peoples, who willingly do these things? These are curious and difficult questions, to be sure. Above all else, if there’s one thing I’d like to stress, it’s that……..OOOOOOOOO LOOK! CANDY CORN! YEA!!! AND IT’S IN TRAIL FORM! I WONDER WHERE IT LEADS! PROBABLY TO YUMTOWN!! POPULATION…ME!”

3 comments:

  1. Is Walter "Lucky" because he lives with a llama or is he "Lucky" because he lives with Betsy?

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  2. Anonymous,

    Great question. I think Mr. Twinkles would argue that, to some extent, there's a little bit of "Lucky" in all of us. Wouldn't you agree?

    Perhaps a better question might be, "Who isn't 'Lucky'?"

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