Sunday, December 15, 2013

The Washington Apple Guide to Last Minute Christmas Shopping

Can you believe it is almost Christmas? Yes I can. It's been a whole year. I don't understand why someone wouldn't believe that. Like they don't believe in Santa Claus, they also don't believe a whole year has gone by? It's shit we learned in first grade, things like how to use a calendar as a way of tracking time. I don't get why people are always asking me that question.

So... Now that it is time to get together and exchange gifts with friends and family, you realized that you haven't bought a thing. Do Not Fret! It is all taken care of as we have done your shopping for you. All you have to do is put up the cash. Here are a few items of local significance to help you once again.

Let's go shopping!

Monday, November 25, 2013

A Recipe for Thanksgiving Success: From our table to yours!

Every year it’s the same damn thing……turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, yelling at your family…racist Aunt Betty…………and what are you left with? A big pile of dishes, cleaning up the dogshit Aunt Betty’s Pomeranian left in the corner of your living room, and another boring, unsatisfying carb bomb in everyone’s belly.

Well fear not, loyal reader! By golly, this year it’s going to be different! And we here at the Washington Apple want to arm you with the weapons you’ll need to launch a full-scale, nuclear Armageddon-style flavor invasion into the taste buds of your family and guests. And after you’ve raped, pillaged and plundered every last taste bud in Aunt Betty’s mouth, think of the satisfaction you’ll feel.

On a side note, have you ever thought about the word “taste bud?” It’s pretty simple-minded when you think about it. Like the person who named the taste bud purposely dumbed it down so the rest of us would understand what he/she was talking about. “Oh…most dumbdumbs won’t understand what an ‘activating, reticulated flavor actualizer’ is, so fuck it…let’s just call them ‘taste buds.’ I don’t know about you, but I find that insulting. What the fuck is a taste bud? It’s supposed to be some little buddy that tastes food for you? Or is the “bud” like the bud of a flower? If that’s the case, I don’t even understand what they’re going for. Doesn’t the bud grow into the flower? Will my taste buds one day grow into taste flowers? It doesn’t make any sense!!! Madness!!! These are the things I think about so you don’t have to! You should be paying me! Hey…why AREN’T you paying me???? You think this content just writes itself?

With that, I’d like to introduce you to the meal to end all meals…we’re talking about the meal that’s going to win back your friends and family and catapult you to a new level of respect in the eyes of your peers…overnight!


Butterscotch Pork

This dish brings together and marries two of the more popular flavors of 2013 into one giant, multi-orgasm food orgy…

Recently, I learned that pork is “the other white meat.” But don’t worry…black people like it too!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Your Aunt Betty is going to love that joke…almost as much as she’s going to love Butterscotch Pork!

What you’ll need:
  • 1 piece of piggy flesh big enough to cut into one or two smaller pieces of piggy flesh for every one of your guests. Simply multiply the number of guests you expect times the maximum number of piggy flesh pieces you think they can eat, and then carry the 3 and add 1 piece of piggy flesh for every Swede on your guest list. Swedes can’t resist piggy flesh, Butterscotch, touching hot surfaces, or capitulating to the Nazis without a fight, so keep that in mind. Whatever you do, DO NOT turn your back on any Swedish guests you may have…EVER! I don’t know why you even invited Swedes to your house in the first place, but hey, it’s your Thanksgiving/funeral…I’m not here to judge...
  • 4 pounds of Butterscotch candies.
    (Note: NO YOU DUMBDUMB…you cannot substitute Werthers Originals. However, you CAN substitute Butterscotch Magic Shell ice cream topper, if you have some.)  

Steps to success:
  1. Cut up the piggy flesh.
  2. Dump all 4 pounds of butterscotch candies into a pot. Turn the burner on low. Melt the fucking butterscotch candies. You'll probably need some butter in there too.
  3. Marinate the piggy flesh in your melted butterscotch mixture or Magic Shell topping for 3 to 112 hours.
  4. Keep one eye on any Swedes in your house at all times. In the time it took you to cut up that piggy flesh, they could have stolen all of your children and sold them as sex slaves to other Swedes.
  5. Cook the piggy flesh up real good.
  6. Serve the rest of the butterscotch topping in a gravy boat. Encourage liberal usage of the butterscotch.

Gravy Syrup…or what we like to call, “GRAVEUP!™”

Yep. This is exactly what it sounds like. Half gravy…half maple syrup! Bam! Graveup™! And you’re going to love Graveup!™ ! And it’s the easiest thing ever! The best part? You can literally put this magical concoction on anything. 

What you’ll need:
  • Gravy
  • Maple syrup
  • A sense of adventure
Steps to success:
  1. Make gravy
  2. Dump enough maple syrup in to double the amount of total liquid. You’re looking for the 50-50 gravy/syrup ratio that Graveup™ requires.
  3. Pour it on everything…breakfast…lunch….dinner…dessert…your lover’s naughty places…

What’s for dessert? Why, Milkshake Tacos of course!!

Get ready, because your milkshake tacos will definitely bring all of the boys to the yard. And they’re not going to leave until they’ve licked and eaten every last bite of your milkshake…tacos.

What you’ll need:
  • A few large milkshakes. Any flavor will do.
  • One large flour tortilla for every milkshake taco you plan on creating. Substitute corn tortillas for any weak, gluten-intolerant pussies who can’t handle flour.

Steps to success:
  1. Lay out your tortilla flat, on a flat surface. You’re done with the days of laying tortillas on inclines or concave surfaces.
  2. Dump one entire large milkshake onto the flat tortilla.
  3. Drizzle copious amounts of GRAVEUP™ over everything.
  4. Wrap the tortilla tightly.
  5. Drizzle more GRAVEUP™
  6. Enjoy!

-          Clambaker

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Boeing Union Workers To Decide If They Should Be Happy About New Deal

Everett, WA

Amped up on 24 oz cans of iced tea, Boeing union workers took the afternoon off to shout about things in the parking lot. This recent activity stems from the announcement that Boeing plans to build 100 new 777 jets. It is now up to the union workers to vote on whether or not they like this new plan. The deal would keep the machinists busy for at least two years, and for some that might be too much. "I've got big summer plans next year of riding to Sturgis." says Ken "Shades" McGrady who showed up to the rally in his famous Vote No t-shirt. "I wear this shirt to let other people know how they should vote" he says, "Voting No gets shit done!"

Monday, October 14, 2013

Harborview hospital unveils new kidney stone mascot

Seattle, WA
The dialysis wing of the Harboview hospital was all abuzz this weekend as they introduced to the public the first of its new mascots to promote awareness. Rocky the Kidney Stone was brought out in front of a team of journalists while the theme from Rocky was playing.

The purpose of the new mascot is to help people become aware of symptoms of kidney failure and to have a good time doing it. Hospital director Tim Barrett was a little aprehensive at first, "I thought the idea of a mascot depicting a serious problem was a bad idea, but when I saw him wearing that little baseball cap I thought, this could work. Now I am really excited about the whole idea. We can't wait to show off the new tumor mascot next month."

Harborview hospital was ranked almost last on the annual list of Most Fun Hospitals. It hopes that with their new program, they can surpass Sacred Heart of Spokane who has led Washington hospitals for the last 5 years with their off road wheelchair track and shooting range.

Friday, August 9, 2013

Good try, Timothy Treadwell...

Greeting from sunny British Columbia!

Man...been long, hard working year for Squatch! Squatch been so busy cleaning den, skinning deer, painting cave, hiding old bones of ancestors........and listening to Mrs. Squatch bitch and moan all the time!..."when you fix rabbit traps? When you get haircut? Why you like hot neighbor Squatch better than me? You no love me anymore!" Squatch say, "Squatch fix rabbit traps when you lose 50 pounds!" hahahahahahaha!! Squatch in trouble now!

I suppose it just normal busy work and life feel Squatch's pain. Squatch know you busy too. Everybody busy! Life just movin' too fast! John Lennon say, "life what happen when you busy makin' other plans." That so true, Squatch think.

Squatch thought maybe head up north for break this summer to kick back and enjoy some french fry with gravy and some glacier-chilled Kokonee Gold. Everything goin' great until some asshole turn up and film Squatch hangin' out.

What the fuck, man? Squatch come to your vacation and film you?

Anyways...Squatch beeline it outta there in nick of time. Squatch still pissed wannabe Grizzly Man get some video of Squatch. Squatch attempting to contact Anonymous to ask them to hack YouTube and take down video.

Anonymous...if you read Washington Squatch immediately for special favor...


 - Squatch

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Fin whale attempts to pick up stakes and move to a better life in Washington state...fails...dies...just like you would

Maybe you are considering taking that offer from your company and moving your family to the Pacific Northwest. Maybe you've heard of the legendary natural beauty, the amazing selection of banh-mi sandwiches...or maybe you're just fascinated by the idea of drinkable tap water...

Well stop right there, Mr. and Mrs. Fancypants, non-gluten eating, east-coaster. You should stay right where you are.

If a 50 ton whale can't hack it here, what chance do you have? And if you fail, Washingtonians will line up around the block to take picture of other locals taking pictures of themselves and tweeting about your dead carcass. 

Stay away. You've been warned... 

 - Clambaker

Monday, February 18, 2013

Mercer Island residents enraged by possible I-90 tolls...all other Washingtonians prepare world's smallest violin...

Mercer Island, WA. 

Mercer Island residents are once again up in arms over the perceived mistreatment and hardships imposed upon them by their volvo-less neighbors.

"If it is not one thing, it is, of course, another," said Mercer Island resident Duke Channing Charles McChannington III. "With what tax will they assail us next, I wonder? A monocle tax? Well there is little chance I will give them any of my hard-earned gold bullion bars for that, I can assure you," he chortled through his well-oiled mustache.

Mercer Island resident Sean Perryman (real Mercer Island resident) shares Duke McChannington's concern.

"If it's tolled then I don't know, I think I'm going to be stranded here for a little while," he said. (He actually said that).

"Whoopiddydoo!!," exclaimed every single non-Mercer Island resident of Washington. "Stay there!," they added.

 - Clambaker

Saturday, January 5, 2013

No Low Ballers

Here is a very cute beaded Seahawks necklace for serious buyers only . It can be yours for only $250 or $200. Because they normally are sold for $300, $250 is an excellent price for this piece of jewelry  from the (253)  

-it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests