Friday, October 30, 2009

Conservatives outraged by new step at Department of Licensing

Olympia, WA.
A seemingly innocuous attempt by the Washington State Department of Licensing to streamline the drivers licensing process has met with sharp criticism from local anti-government, conservative groups (who we sane people lovingly refer to as “bat-shit crazy loons.” Yes, conservatives, I said it…you ARE bat-shit crazy fucking loons).

No one has been more surprised at the reaction than DOL Director Sheila Davis. “Honestly, we thought this new step was needed,” said Davis. “With step 3 only directing people to ‘complete the form,' we had a lot of people standing around and asking what to do next. It’s actually worked pretty well. Lines are shorter, and our employees aren’t spending half their time answering stupid questions.”

Davis didn’t hesitate to respond to her critics. “Look, I’ve reached out to these groups,” said Davis. “I asked for their input on a solution. They yelled something about being a socialist, baby-eating fetus killer and hurled a bunch of teabags at me. Okay then. How do you respond to that?”

For local tea partier Cliff “Cock-a-Doodle-Doo” Humphries, the new step in the licensing process is simply another example of government intrusion into the lives of hard-working Americans. “What’s next?” asked Humphries. “Turn in your gun and bend over? Get in line for your government rye? Well I don’t even like rye. These homo communists won’t be happy until they dictate everything in my life. Speed limits, public schooling, light rail, healthcare, fire alarms, building codes that require floors, no smoking at the gas station, no sex with your sister, no beating your dog with the pepper shaker…..fuck them. I may have to turn in my form, but I’ll be god-damned if I’m going to exit.

You ever hear of a little thing called the Constitution? I’ve never read it, but I’d bet you my right pinky toe there’s nothin’ in there about havin’ to turn in forms or exiting. Don’t even get me started on the fact that the bottom part of that sign is written in Spanish. As far as I’m concerned, if you can’t speak American, you deserve to stand around with your completed form wondering what the fuck to do next. Stop taking our jobs and move back to Spainland you dirty Spaniards.”

Boeing workers excited about new opportunities to complain to employer

Everett, WA
The news broke yesterday that the new Boeing 787 Dreamliner production line would be based out of South Carolina, and no one could be more happy than the local Boeing machinists.

It's been a year now since the last Boeing strike, and the atmosphere around the factories has been getting stale. After the latest union agreement, most of the demands of the laborists had been met. Some employees were even beginning to think that maybe they had a good job. That all changed yesterday with the latest announcement.

A new cry of outrage spread across the plant floor as production excitedly came to a halt. Boeing had announced the new line would be based on the other side of the country. Of course the main line would still be based in Everett, and everyone's job there would be safe, but tempers over the decision were still hot.

Chris Geist has worked for Boeing for 22 years and has never been this excited about a reason to be outraged at his employer, "I can't wait to start complainin' and hollerin' about this shit. They may have provided me and my family a comfortable life, but this is bullshit! I dare one of those tie wearing, fancy hair-do corporate guys to come into our break room and see what they are doing to these hard working folks."

Machinist worker representative Keith Meyers has been making the rounds with his coworkers keeping spirits high. "I tell these guys about how much bullshit we have to put up with working for this company, and I think it makes a difference. You can really see an attitude adjustment when they get to feel like this company has them by the balls."

Friday, October 23, 2009

CWU mascot hates his public relations assignment

Ellensburg, WA
You may think this is the normal setting for someone with the name Wellington P. Wildcat, but no, there is no cat more wild than Wellington. And no one hates homework more than a wild cat.

"I think I have enough on my plate with keeping the football team motivated." says Wellington. "I don't need to go out and mingle with the general public about issues. Who really cares what the public is thinking anyway."

The assignment consists of creating a fictional co-operative to help local farmers with the rising price of hay and feed. Many students are raising new ideas about production and cultivation being sponsored by other community organizations. But as for Wellington, "I hate books."

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Would you eat this for lunch?

Othello, WA
Sometimes when looking for news happening, what is not happening becomes a bigger story. Take this bit from the Othello Outlook as an example. Every week they post online their students lunch menu. They also provide a picture.

Let me stress, I'm not a parent, so I completely do not understand how difficult it would be to make a lunch everyday for a kid. And then... why should I? This meal from the school has it all. It has everything necessary to ensure your child is is growing with all the essentials it needs. First, you have your vegetables. I guarantee the first thing a kid will go after is that luscious display of corn, only if they can refrain from that vitamin packed fruit cocktail in the corner.

Then you might say, what about things like riboflavin? Not to worry, the school has a mini pretzel along with a small mustard pack to fulfill the grains needed in a growing child's diet. And of course, everyone knows that chocolate milk has less fat than regular milk. It almost makes you wonder then why as adults we would even consider drinking white milk?

One thing not mentioned is the pizza, but what is there to mention? Everyone knows that with it, the kids get their daily allowance of Vitamin Delicious.

Protester a little disappointed with turn out

Sequim, WA
With the elections right around the corner, many people are focusing their attention on the politicians and issues that will play a role in the state's future. A few of them are even taking action.

That was the case today, as was seen on the street corner of this small Olympic Peninsula town. Patty Brown had been organizing a protest for the last few weeks against the latest Tim Eyman initiative on property tax. She had discussed the issue with several of her friends who all agreed something needed to be done to stop it, and maybe a protest might just be the thing. Unfortunately, when the agreed upon day arrived, no one else showed.

"It's a little upsetting," Patty said. "I hung a notice up on the bulletin board at the laundromat and put an ad in the classifieds of the newspaper, and still no one. I'm not sure how else to reach the people."

Despite the low turn out, and not having attached a stick to her sign, Patty remained optimistic, "If by being here I can persuade just one voter, then I was successful.... even though these things usually pass or fail by thousands of votes."

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Pumpkin-carving out, Pumpkin-hammering in for local special education students

Kingston, WA.
For many of us, the fall season means cooler temperatures, beautiful foliage, Halloween, getting drunk, and of course…pumpkin-carving.

Not so in Kingston, where Lisa Beasley’s special education students have created a whole new twist on this age-old pastime. The switch was made, in part, due to a less-than-successful pumpkin-carving session in 2008.

“We tried the pumpkin-carving thing last year,” said Beasley. “In retrospect, 14 retarded children running around with knives shouldn’t have seemed like a good idea…I mean ‘duh,’ right? We lost a few eyes, some hair, and had to deal with some pretty significant scarring. I mean poor little Albert over there looks like he got kicked in the face by a donkey, and now his left eye-brow won’t grow back. Anyways, they really don’t know the difference. Carving, hammering, reading, zebras, mommy, toast, pointy, Canada, the sun ….those are all the same things to them.”

Watching 3 year old Jaime Ferris flail away wildly at the class pumpkin, you wouldn’t take her for a first-time pumpkin hammerer. She guides each blow with almost machine-like precision, as if possessed by some innate force of nature, driving her plastic hammer further into its target with each swing.

“Meow?,” asked Ferris. “Bam bam bam…b…ba…bam…bam…bunkin bammy bam bam…baaaaaaaaaaaaam.”

Monday, October 12, 2009

New turnip-oriented menu generates few fans at Greener Pastures retirement community

Vancouver, WA.
Like many residents at Vancouver’s Greener Pastures senior retirement community, Alice Menkin doesn’t rate turnips as one of her favorite foods. As she struggled to finish her lunch of mashed turnips and turnipsauce, she failed in her attempt to hold back her tears.

“This is not very tasty at all,” cried Menkin. "This is the opposite of tasty. Is untasty a word? If it is, then that’s how I would describe this. Definitely very untasty...and especially undelicious.”

Apparently the switch to the ill-received turnip-based menu has been in the works for some time. For staff, the final straw came Sunday morning, after a second serving of applesauce had been awarded to residents for an unusually productive “sit still and be quiet” hour. The trouble evidently began during the early morning hours, sometime after the final “lights out/take your medicine” call had been sounded over the PA system.

“We came in Sunday morning to a fucking war zone,” said director Darrell Schaefer. “They broke into the activities room and ravaged the Murder, She Wrote DVD library. They watched so many episodes that Angela Lansbury’s face is burned into the fucking display. I shit you not. We still can’t find season 4. God only knows where that went.

Listen, they're just trying to get to you with all the crying. 'Whaaa whaaaa' this and 'boo hoo' that. They cry all the fucking time now, much more than before. But don’t let these old bastards fool you. They’re a lot more wily than you think. Look, turnipsauce is much lower in sugar than applesauce. It’s simple math. Less sugar equals less tomfoolery, and even fewer shenanigans.

Besides, you know what they say, how when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade? Well now they’ve got turnips…maybe they’ll make some fucking never know.“

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Calls go out for volunteers as WSS Lady Washington prepares for battle

Seattle, WA
The Lady Washington may soon be returning to her familiar role as the battle-hardened blade on the sword of Washington State justice.

Upon hearing the news today that Washington’s official state ship is no longer welcome to return to her winter moorings in California, Governor Christine Gregoire has issued an emergency order asking for 300 stout volunteers to man her sails and cannon, and prepare her for what very well may be her most daunting challenge in over a century.

“The Californians are a dirty and untrustworthy people,” said Gregoire. “They are as vicious and vile as they are unkempt. They steal our electricity, raise our property values, and laugh in the face of our delicious Jones soda. If they won’t let our great Lady Washington into their precious harbors, then we shall fight our way in. They have trembled at the cries of our loons, and now they will tremble at the sound of our guns.”

The governor wasted no time in appointing a captain for the Lady Washington’s upcoming date with destiny.

“I have thought long and hard about this decision, and I can tell you it did not come easy,” said Gregoire. But I believe I have chosen wisely, and I have nothing but the utmost trust and faith that Captain Robert “Ironsides” Mak will lead our brave sailors to victory over these California heathens.

His many years of experience with seamen of all types will be a valuable asset to operation ‘Evergreen Retribution.’ For years he has been entrusted with the timely and accurate delivery of quality news with King 5, and now he will be entrusted with the timely and accurate delivery of justice for all Washingtonians.”

Godspeed, Captain Mak. Godspeed, Washington.

Mariners disappointed to find out they finished in third place

Seattle, WA
The end of the Seattle Mariners' 2009 season was a roller coaster of emotions. The final game of the 162 game year was this Sunday with the M's winning 85 of them. The final game of the year ended in victory as the players celebrated in fashion with hugs, hi-fives, and thrusting players up on their shoulders.

The celebration was short lived though on arrival of the club house locker room. Apparently the players were told by their new manager, Don Wakamatsu, that if they win the last game they get to play in the World Series. Wakamatsu was not in the locker room after the game, but instead left a note that simply said, "Sorry guys, you only got third place out of four places. No World Series. Enjoy the winter."

The baseball team may have finished next to last in the standings, but they were number one in team chemistry.

McGinn calls for new viaduct proposal

Seattle, WA
Seattle mayoral candidate Mike McGinn said Thursday that Seattle taxpayers should be able to vote on the new viaduct decision, and they should vote on his new option. In front of a crowd of reporters, McGinn laid out his plan which combines the awesomeness of a tunnel with the bargain price of a rebuild. He calls it Project Voltron.

With this third option, the viaduct would remain in place, and still be covered by a tunnel. McGinn is so pumped about this option that during the press conference he often took his shirt off to flex. "Think about it, the railroad industry has been doing it forever. I don't hear any complaints from them about above ground tunnels." he said.

He went on to say this is the kind of architecture that will put Seattle on the map and bring us into the 21st century. He then acknowledged that Seattle is already on most maps and is currently in the 21st century.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Scott Spiezio ups the ante…goes from total tool to complete douchebag

This photo comes to Clambaker courtesy of M.C. Razor, who knew he would like it. Thank you M.C. Razor...thank you.

Dearest Mr. Spiezio,

Clambaker doesn’t like you. Clambaker never liked you. Now you’ve gone and really pissed Clambaker off.

Oh my…where to begin. We have to start somewhere. Maybe we should start with your soul patch? You’ve grown it. Good work! I applaud you! You’ve gone and installed a landing strip on your chin. Follow the lights to your douche-hole. A little wispy on the soul side though… more patchy than souly…

And now we come to what I surmise is the whole purpose of this entertaining photo…that lovely new ink on your arm. Ugh. I have some questions about that. You know what you’re missing in life? Friends. Here’s a scenario for you. Let’s say Clambaker is out late on a Friday night. Let’s say Clambaker has had too much to drink. Let’s say Clambaker throws out the idea of getting his arm adorned with a busty blonde provocatively removing her panties. Here’s where you and Clambaker take different paths.

Clambaker has friends. Not many mind you, but enough of them to say, “no Clambaker! That is NOT a good idea! Do not do that! Re-think, Clambaker, re-think!”

But nooooooo. You didn’t have this safety net. If you did, they wouldn’t have let this happen. Even if they had, at the very least, when the newspaper came to take this photo, they would have said, “No Scott! You’ll look like a douchebag! Whatever you do, wear sleeves!”

We’re disappointed Scott. Until we saw this picture, the Washington Apple had zero people on our douchelist. Actually, we didn’t even have a douchelist. Well now we do. And you sir, are its inaugural member. I congratulate you. You should congratulate yourself. Jerk off an extra time this morning, friend…you’ve earned it.

Your move Mr. Spiezio.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Harborview hospital unveils new kidney stone mascot

Seattle, WA
The dialysis wing of the Harboview hospital was all abuzz this weekend as they introduced to the public the first of its new mascots to promote awareness. Rocky the Kidney Stone was brought out in front of a team of journalists while the theme from Rocky was playing.

The purpose of the new mascot is to help people become aware of symptoms of kidney failure and to have a good time doing it. Hospital director Tim Barrett was a little aprehensive at first, "I thought the idea of a mascot depicting a serious problem was a bad idea, but when I saw him wearing that little baseball cap I thought, this could work. Now I am really excited about the whole idea. We can't wait to show off the new tumor mascot next month."

Harborview hospital was ranked almost last on the annual list of Most Fun Hospitals. It hopes that with their new program, they can surpass Sacred Heart of Spokane who has led Washington hospitals for the last 5 years with their off road wheelchair track and shooting range.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Hunter refused to come home empty handed

Dayton, WA
It was the trip hunter Eric Driggs and his faithful German Shepherd, Largent, had been waiting for all year. Two weeks of camping and tracking in the Blue Mountains in pursuit of some big game. He had high hopes of coming home with at least one bear and one elk. But that was not the case.

Two weeks prior, Eric and his dog had ventured into the wild to set up camp. The first week offered nothing but bad weather and there was no game to be found. "It fucking sucked," noted Eric. "I didn't come out here to go camping and discover nature, I came here to kill."

By the time the second week was coming to a close, things were looking pretty dim. "I was getting pretty pissed. I had a shit pile of ammo I needed to light off." It was finally on the last day of the trip that things started to pick up. A large bull elk had wandered in close to Eric's camp. As he sat behind the tree waiting to take a good shot, Largent came running out of nowhere and scared the animal away. It was at that point Eric realized what he needed to do. "I've had that dog for a long time," he stated, "And what a sweet fucking shot! Right in the neck."

Largent is now on display in Driggs' living room. "I'm not real happy that he's gone," says Eric. "But I think he knew how pissed I was, and how happy he made me that day."