Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Oh, dear sweet beauty...

It's true, your first love will always stay with you. And although mine has traveled many miles away, it too can't escape love. Beautiful, beautiful Kalakala, just look at the way you change the world. I see you in this picture standing tall on a crystal blue river just behind some spring flowers. Look at the parade of boats around you, trying to get close to you. And just behind you, the skyline of a city that is all yours. Carrying the businessmen to their jobs, then safely back home, often lulling them to sleep with your gentle hum.

But with all things come change, and we must accept it. And your new plans as told by the current owner couldn't have made me happier.

"As the owner of the Kalakala, he has to have hope to believe the art-deco ferry boat can be restored and serve as a centerpiece for new development along Tacoma's waterfront that could include an indoor ski-slope, sky-diving, a hotel, and a dolphin aquarium."

Sky diving into a dolphin aquarium is how I always imagined it would be. But now you are for sale and there is indoor ski slope in your future. Unless the city is able to pull together and rebuild the Kingdome, there is no proper place for you on earth. All we can do now is fill you with some sort of eternal light and launch you into space to forever orbit the earth. And on summer evenings when the children are collecting fireflies, they will be able to look up and say," Look daddy! There goes the Kalakala, the jewel of the fleet."

The jewel indeed.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Occupy Viaduct Message Clear

Seattle, WA
For the second day in a row, protesters have gathered atop the Alaskan Way viaduct in downtown Seattle causing massive traffic delays. They have gathered there claiming they are the 99% who do not want a tunnel to be dug.
Someone claiming to be the leader read a statement to Cindi Rinehart today on Northwest Afternoon. "Our demand here is to be taken very serious. We demand the mainstream media, such as CNN and The Washington Apple, acknowledge that only the 1% of people are making the decision that we will have to run the St Pattys day dash on surface streets. Also, we want to save the Ballard Denny's."

Friday, November 4, 2011

Hello Winter!

Squatch here. No worries. Squatch nearly recovered from National Fried Clam Day parties.

Hold on one sec…Squatch need to check-in to Washington Apple HQ on Foursquare. Squatch only 2 check-in from becoming mayor. Tag friends? No. Squatch all alone. Alone okay though.

Squatch try looking for domestic partner, but little success yet. Squatch try casual encounters on Craigslist, but all squatchesses want full-body picture before contact Squatch. Squatch only have face picture. Christmas coming up. Squatch put digital camera with fancy delay option on list for Santa Squatch.

Hmmm…hold on…appears to be too many items on Santa Squatch list for Squatch. Maybe need to take something off? Squatch probably not need new rabbit traps. Old rabbit traps perfectly fine for another year. Or maybe cross off new tennis racket? What Squatch do with tennis racket anyway? Squatch not have decent backhand since Wonder Years hit TV show!

Let’s see. What Squatch been up to? Squatch glad you ask. How glad? Very glad! Squatch been getting ready to begin long-awaited hibernation. Speaking of which, where Fall go to? One week Squatch enjoying beach fires and Alki sunsets, next week Squatch left wondering why he forgot to pack on extra fat layers for hibernation. Not fun sending bear friend to Costco to steal crates of Ding Dongs. Also not fun having to force self to eat crates of Ding Dongs. Nothing about Ding Dongs fun at all. Chocolate cake part dry…creamy filling taste like chemicals. Packaging don’t even burn good.

On related note…Squatch always wonder about people who call Fall “Autumn.” What deal with that? Don’t try be fancy and say, “Autumn.” Saying “Autumn” not make you smart.

What deal Washington state? Where your seasons? Seem like one big wet season and then 2 month so-so warm. Squatch not complaining though. Squatch know how privileged he be. Squatch know that penalty you pay for easy access to lakes and oceans, dense forests good for hiding, and majestic mountains perfect for Squatch’s favorite winter activity…telemark skiing!

See you soon!

PS – Squatch happy to see Husky Stadium being torn down. Good! If cars have to drive in tunnel, Huskies should have to play in tunnel too! Go Cougs!

 - Squatch

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

State-Off #3 – The State of Washington vs. the Commonwealth of Virginia

I, Clambaker, have been on assignment. Yes, we here at the Washington Apple do go on assignment. We even have staff meetings……with cupcakes! 

Some staff members, who shall remain nameless, even get greedy from time to time and dig in to their cupcakes without asking the other staff members which cupcake they would like first. They just dig in and take the chocolate cupcake with mint frosting and pretend like it was their cupcake all along. They are selfish and do not ask the other staff members which cupcake they might like to enjoy. No…they just leave the other staff members to choose between a red velvet and chocolate cupcake with pink frosting. You probably have someone like this staff member at your place of employment too. From now on I will eat my cupcake before the staff meeting, and this nameless staff member will have to choose between the remaining cupcakes that I was less interested in tasting.

You might think that as co-CEO and founder of the Washington Apple, I might be hesitant to leave town on assignment and leave my most cherished work in the hands of the likes of MC Razor, LowTide, and Radulartooth. You would be right! A Washington Apple without Clambaker is like the Puyallup Fair without a rabbit barn, or Seafair without a drunken frat boy on a log boom, or a Swede who is able to read and/or manipulate small objects with their fingers! But unlike the Swedes, the Washington Apple staff has done an outstanding job while I was out and they deserve a big pat on the back…but no cupcakes.

Sidenote: you know what you should be thankful for? That I flunked out of the train-driving academy. “No Clambaker! You must stay on the tracks! That is all you have to do! It is of the utmost importance that you stay on these little metal rails!”

I came to a realization a couple of weeks ago: if the Washington Apple is to truly and fairly compare the great State of Washington to the other 49 states, we must be prepared to get our hands dirty and do a little up-close-and-personal research into our friendly neighbor states.

You know a good state to get your hands dirty and do research in? The great Commonwealth of Virginia!

If you’re like me, and let’s be honest, you probably aren’t, but if you were, you would probably have some pre-conceived notions about a place before you traveled there. For example, if you were about to visit Texas, you might start to envision cowboys, republicans, intolerance, incest…stuff like that. Well before I went and visited Virginia, I thought about bedbugs. That’s what I thought about Virginia…”I hope I don’t get bedbugs!”

Let’s get ready to RUMMMMMMMMMMMMMBLE!

State vs. Commonwealth
There are 50 states in the United States of America. Four of these states, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, Kentucky and Virginia, in addition to being states, also refer to themselves as “Commonwealths.” You are probably asking, “well what in the holy hell is a Commonwealth? What’s the difference? Learn me somethin’ Clambaker!”  Nothing! There is no difference! Back when the early seeds of revolution were sprouting in the colonies, these commonwealths wanted to illustrate that they were not governed by tyrants, so they called themselves “Commonwealths.” When they finally got around to calling them states, these 4 pretentious assholes decided that in addition to being called a state, they were going to keep the name “Commonwealth.”  Well, except Kentucky, which wasn’t even around. But we’ll save them for another time. (Commonwealth envy anyone??)

Have you ever seen a person walking down the street with their shoes untied? I mean intentionally untied!!! Why would they do that?? I spent a lot of time as a little kid learning how to tie my shoe laces. “Chase the rabbit around the tree, something something something”…done! These people did too. But they think by purposefully not tying their shoes, they are thumbing their noses at conventional wisdom, and maybe even society itself. The 4 commonwealths are the asshole states who refuse to tie their shoes.

Let’s imagine you were all set to attend a dinner party. At this dinner party were all 50 states. You show up. You mingle. You begin meeting all of the states. 46 of the states are standing around, drinking beer, laughing, having a good time.

Over in the corner, you notice Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, Kentucky and Virginia, huddled together. Instead of beer, they have champagne flutes. They are all wearing tuxedos…….and monocles. You approach.

You (seeing the state of Virginia): Hi! I’m honored to meet the great state of Virginia!
Virginia: I beg your pardon, but it’s “Commonwealth” of Virginia.
You: Excuse me?
Virginia: Technically, I’m a Commonwealth.
You: Oh…my apologies.
Virginia: It is surely not a big deal (rolling eyes at other 3 Commonwealths).
You: …………….
Massachusetts (to you): Don’t you have somewhere else to be?
Kentucky (to you): In all honestly, it would be better if……
Pennsylvania (to Kentucky): Oh shut the fuck up Kentucky! I don’t even know why you’re here! For the love of God, you thought this champagne was something called “bubble whiskey!”
You: (walks away)

Winner: Washington. We tie our shoes, thank you very much! It makes ‘em good for walkin’ in!
State Slogan 
The official state slogan of Washington is………………….."SayWA.” 

I don’t know about you, but I think SayWA pretty much captures everything there is to say about the pure majesty that is Washington state. According to the Washington state tourism office,

“SayWA is a distillation of the sense of wonder that comes with discovery. It describes the moment when an experience becomes emotional. Where the traveler is no longer an observer, but a participant. The SayWA moment."

That’s exactly right! I couldn’t have said it better myself. If you come to visit Washington, you should create a SayWA checklist for yourself, just to make sure you stay on track:

1. Wonder
2. Discover
3. Experience
4. Get emotional
5. Learn to count, foreigner! You already did step 5!
6. Participate
7. Repeat steps 1-6. (Skip step 7 the second time around)
8. Go home!
9. Don’t you even think about moving here!

I was going to tell you Virginia’s state slogan, but then I realized that they’d probably prefer that I refer to it as Virginia’s “Commonwealth” slogan.

Virginia’s Commonwealth slogan is, “Virginia is for lovers.”

Awwwwwwwww…that’s pretty nice…at least at first glance. Sure, Virginia is fine for lovers. It’s all well and good if Virginia is for lovers of flowers, beaches, candy, rainbows, kites, peanut butter and jelly, lollipops, ham, and ham lollipops and peanut butter kites.

But what if I’d LOVE to train giant sea turtles to fight each other to the death with fire pokers in an underwater octagon? Am I still welcome in Virginia? Hmmmmmmm? You see the problem here?

Winner: Washington. First rule of state slogans: be specific.

State Ship

As you learned in this previous Washington Apple post, the state ship of Washington is the Lady Washington, a 90-ton merchant sloop capable of raining fire and devastation down on anyone who dare stand in her path. When the state of California refused to let our Lady Washington use their sunny moorings for winter moorage, the Lady Washington blasted her way into San Francisco Bay and took Californians Clint Eastwood and Betty White hostage and forced them to breed a super-human offspring who we could take back to Washington and who would usher in a new era of prosperity in Washington state.

That offspring was Greg Nickels. The experiment did not go according to plan. He was captured and re-located to West Seattle, so that he might live out the rest of his days in peace.

Chesapeake Bay Deadrise

This is a type of traditional fishing boat used in Chesapeake Bay. That’s what it is. There’s an old Makah joke that my grandfather used to tell me when I was a boy…”You know what they call a Chesapeake Bay Deadrise in the Straight of Juan De Fuca?..................Orca food.”

Winner: Come on…

State Bird
Northen Cardinal vs. American Goldfinch

Final: 4-0

After defeating two states in a row, I’ll bet you were curious how Washington would fair against a commonwealth. Well you shouldn’t have been! Haven’t you ever heard the expression, “curiosity killed the cat?” What are you? Some kind of smart, curious kitty that can read blogs? If so, why aren’t you reading a blog about catnip?

 - Clambaker

Monday, August 15, 2011

Uncle Milty

Milton, WA

It looks like the fine city of Milton wants to play. After reviewing my voters pamphlet for King County's August 16 primary, the first candidate that jumped out was Caleb Lewis who is running for Mayor of Milton. My first thought was my nieces husband is running for mayor,but after I read Caleb's bio, I knew this student is for real. He is currently attending Oregon State University and does not understand the meaning of "Act Globally, Educate Locally."I will not go on and rip this local who wants to defect from Washington for his education, since he will not be my mayor. Although, I do suggest that the residents of Milton do some research on your incumbent, Debra Perry, who's eduction consists of: Business, Commercial Art, Real Estate School; Planning and Development Course. I think we all know that you don't learn curb appeal at a university.


Friday, August 12, 2011

2011 Seafair in review. Plus, 2012 Seafair spoiler alert

Seattle, WA

Well, it looks like another year of Seafair has come and gone. The hydros have raced out of town, the Blue Angels have flown, and the Torchlight has been extinguished. And as in any Seafair year, this year can be summed up in one word, Dumb.

Seafair started in 1950, and according to their website, helped put Seattle on the map. That's just dumb. Seattle was already on every map by 1950. I have a map from 1920 and Seattle is on it. Seattle was settled in 1851. And why would mapmakers take particular interest in a city's festivals during their job? I would think they would be more concerned with geography than boat races.

Seafair has hardly changed in 60 years, but some old people will tell you about two major differences. For one, they never had to close down a major interstate for some airplanes. Imagine that, closing down a national highway and a limited thoroughfare for something that is in the sky. The other change is they no longer have the synchronized swimming exposition in Greenlake, but I think we all know why.

Sharpened spikes at Green Lake

So here we are in 2011 still doing the same dumb shit. A parade, which somehow still draws a crowd. A few high school marching bands, old ladies that have a dance club from whatever their heritage is, and the Grand Marshall game show host Drew Carey sitting in a car. It sounds like a fucked up dream that I am glad I have never had.

And can anybody tell me the winner of the hydro race this year? How many boat sponsors can you name? I can name more WNBA teams than hydroplane boats.

It's ok to have Seafair, it's a weekend of party boats on the lake, I get it. But don't try to sell it as a community event. That's dumb. It's exactly what it says it is. The Puyallup Fair on water.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Search

Thanks to all who attended tonight’s gathering. I wanted to take the time to address the many comments, questions, and what knots regarding our Radular Tooth. As many of you know, this dynamic individual was brought on board to focus on the rapid-growth of the Food and Weather business channel segments. Hopefully this censored picture will answer everyone’s concerns (especially the what knots) and illustrate, that even dedicated members of our staff have island based priorities. So to all those concerned, he is who we thought he was. Dear Radular Tooth, please stay with us awhile.

Monday, August 8, 2011

S&P downgrades City of Tacoma

Tacoma, WA

The City of Tacoma was downgraded by Standard & Poors on Monday. Um OK I am fine with the new AA+ rating, as long as the Tacoma Dome does not go into foreclosure. I don't think S&P knows who they're dealing with. Everybody knows a city with two bridges means they are not afraid to burn one, so investors beware.

I wish I had more info, but I have been busy working on a story about Chip Hanauer doing cocaine off of Pat O'Day's leg while riding in a corvette during the 1989 Torchlight Parade...


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Oh, so it's ok for coyotes to play spaceman

Seattle, WA

What the hell is wrong with you people? This last week was such a blur of emotions for me as I was forced to follow the news story about a stupid coyote who got caught in my mayonnaise trap. I couldn't believe my eyes! People felt bad for the thing. Well nobody felt bad for me last week when my head was stuck in a mayonnaise jar, for 5 days!

The wildlife agents were scared to hit it with tranquilizer in fear that it could die from being so thirsty. Come on, I got shot like 20 times. I was wandering around the neighborhood looking for help and people kept shooting me. Mostly bb's I think, but I could swear I saw some wildlife agents high fiving each other right before I got sleepy.

And then some couple tackles it to remove the jar, then lets it go! They didn't kick it in the ribs or pull its shirt up over its head or try to fart in the jar. Why do people like coyotes more than they like me? Is it because I don't break into their chicken coop and eat their hens? Because I will totally do that.

There is a lesson to this story though. If you see a coyote in a mayonnaise jar, just let him be. He's the lucky one.
State wildlife officials kill 2 coyotes in Lake Forest Park

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Walla Walla stepping it up for the rest of us fatties...

Walla Walla, WA.
On the heels of being named the 28th fattest state in America, we get word that Walla Walla, WA. has taken home the honor of “Friendliest town in the universe.

Way to go, Walla Walla! The rest of you Washingtonians need to take a quick break away from your deep-fried candy corn lunches long enough to send a big “Thank You” to Walla Walla for helping to erase some of the shame you’re all responsible for. Not all of it, mind you…some of it. (Yeah…deep-friend candy corn…I’m full of amazing ideas! But seriously, don’t eat any…fatso!)

I have to admit…I was more than a little surprised. I mean, don’t get me wrong…Walla Walla is a lovely place, with lovely people, lovely landscapes, lovely buildings, lovely restaurants, lovely birds, lovely streets, lovely mosquitoes, lovely toenails, lovely turnips, lovely rutabagas and lovely rutabaga farmers who lovingly love their rutabaga farms and who lovingly farm lovely rutabagas, lovely Whitman Colleges, lovely cats, lovely shops with lovely knick-knacks tucked lovingly inside, lovely dentists and cavities, lovely Arbys, and lovely Rite-Aids.  Walla Walla is certainly lovely. But friendly?

Let’s play a little word association. I say a word, and you blurt out the first things that come to mind.

Our word is, “Walla Walla.”

I’m betting you thought about one of the two following things:

  1. The Walla Walla Sweet Onion
If you’re ever bored, saunter on over to sweetonions.org.  Make sure it’s .org too, because I have a feeling sweetonions.com might take you somewhere either don’t want to be, or really, really, really want to be and I can’t be held responsible for. I won’t judge you.

You’ll learn all about the Walla Walla Sweet Onion. Think about that for a second. Washington state has an onion so powerful and mighty that it has it’s own .org website. .ORG!!!! Take that, you stupid California raisins! Unfortunately, it’s one of those websites that you’re surprised there isn’t a dancing animated onion gif and a visitor counter centered at the bottom of the page, but that’s neither here nor there nor anywhere nor any of your business.

Wow, I’m off-track. Anyway, the Walla Walla Sweet Onion is certainly a powerful and influential (and lovely) beast. But friendly?

  1. Walla Walla State Penitentiary
The state of Washington has one state penitentiary…located in...you guessed it...Walla Walla. The naughtiest bunch of Washington’s naughty are sent here. According to the internet, ”It is the site of Washington State's death row and where executions are carried out. Methods for execution currently include lethal injection, and the option of hanging.”

HAHAHA…options are good!! Friendly options...

So, what's the deal, Walla Walla? Who did you pay off to ignore your naughty, little secrets?  Thank you??

- Clambaker

Sunday, July 24, 2011

44 injured in 'hay ride gone wrong' on Shaw Island

SHAW ISLAND -- Forty-four people were injured, at least four of them seriously, when a hay-ride trailer full of people collided with a tractor that was pulling it Sunday on Shaw Island, spilling the occupants onto the roadway.

San Juan County Sheriff Rob Nou called it a "hay ride gone terribly wrong."

Medics and emergency personnel responded to the scene, on Hoffman Cove Road, at about 11:20 a.m. after receiving 911 calls.

Nou said a tractor was pulling a flatbed trailer carrying about 50 people from at least two church youth groups who were having a weekend retreat at Our Lady of the Rock Monastery on the small island.

As the hay ride travelled down Hoffman Cove Road on a downhill grade, the trailer overpowered the tractor and began pushing it down the grade.

As the trailer gained speed and momentum, it caused the tractor to jackknife. As it did, the drawbar bent and the front axle of the trailer failed, dumping the occupants off the trailer.

At least four patients were airlifted to regional hospitals, Nou said. None of the injuries are believed to be life-threatening.

Up to 40 other people received less serious injuries.

Additional paramedics were sent over from Orcas Island to treat the large number of injured. A Washington state ferry was diverted to Shaw Island to transport some of the less seriously injured to the mainland.

The tractor and hay-ride trailer belong to the monastery. It was being operated by a 46-year-old Bellingham man.

Names, ages and conditions of those involved were not immediately available. The accident remains under investigation, Nou said.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

State Off #2 - It's pronounced wis-CAN-sin

So there is the only joke I will do about the accent there. But, man, it's so easy.

Time for a State Off.

State Shape

Look at this image with it's squared off corners and it's rectangular shape. Yes, it has shape.

What is this blob all about? It looks like Admiral Akbar getting ready to gargle some salt water.

Winner: Washington

State Beaches

Enjoy this. Breathe it in. The sun setting on sculptured rock formations. The wind swept trees standing the test of time. The air of mystique can swallow you whole and you can live inside it's belly for 3 days and nights before it spits you out.

Well this is... Actually, I just feel bad that someone felt compelled to take this photo.

Winner: Washington

Baseball Mascot

Bernie the Brewer, supposedly. Nothing creepy about that. I'll tell you, as a kid, I used to love having drunk, mustached men come up to me and give me hugs. Oh, I'm sure there is some good ol' timey story that goes along with him, but let me tell you a little story of my own.....

It's the story about an old mustached man that went for a walk in the woods and found himself between an adult moose and her calf.

Winner: Washington

Well what about Green Bay?

Sorry, our waters are blue. Glacier blue.

Winner: Washington

Going over the numbers, it looks like Washington comes out on top 4-0. A clean sweep. Now I don't want to leave this without something Wisconsin can be proud of. But then again, they put cheese on there head. Pride might be gone. So instead, fill your shame hole with some fried cheese, salty milk brats, and pork lard kringles. Then wash it away with an 18 pack of MGD 64.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Annual Seattle to Portland Bike Classic Thrills Riders of all Ages

Portland OR

The Annual bike ride along the side roads of I-5 brought out thousands of cyclists last weekend. And although the bike ride ends in Oregon, the majority of it takes place in Washington, because Oregon is boring.

We sent our regional events correspondent, Lowtide, to Portland to cover the event. But since he didn't get the article written by the deadline, I am left here with just some notes to transcribe.

  • A lot of hippies walking around
  • Portland girls are pretty hot
  • Had to walk far to find a bar
  • Pretty shitty old fashioned here. Trying the place across the street
  • No Makers Mark! WTF?
  • Damn bikers wear some stupid clothes
  • Fuck you Bartender!
All in all, it sounds like another successful year for the STP classic. Hope to see you there next year.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Looking for something to do this weekend, Washington?


I offer you the first annual "Goatalympics."  You're welcome, Washington. Go forth, be happy, and enjoy. Please remember to wash your hands.

Bye and Bye indeed...

 - Clambaker

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Stop putting sugar on your Cheerios, Washington! You are too fat…and it’s not the good kind of fat!

Imagine my disbelief and utter astonishment this morning when I opened up my virtual portal to the interwebs to discover that my fair state is now the 28th fattest state in the union. 28th!!!

Washington, we are fatter than Connecticut. Do you know how embarrassed I am? Very! We just got done wiping the floor with their pathetic, little, mountain-less humidity box! And what do you do to celebrate? You go and make yourselves some butter and ranch sauce sandwiches! Shame on you!

I mean Virginia is even less fat than us! Virginia! Have you ever been to Virginia? For the love of god, their state beverage is milk! MILK!!!! I am just so ashamed of all of you.

At this point, you’re probably asking, “well, what the hell can I do? I’m just one person!” Yeah, one fat person! Well, that all depends on which 1 of our fine 40 Washington counties you live in.

You see, some counties in Washington are fatter than others. Clambaker decided to take it upon himself to do a little internet research. I went to Bing (hahahahahahaha yeah right…) and searched for “fat Washington counties.” Want to know what I discovered? Yes, yes you do!

Do you happen to live in either Lewis or Skamania county?

Then you are probably much, much too fat. You need to stop reading this blog, fatso, and get out there and start doing some jumping jacks! And not just some half-assed, Skamania county-type jumping jacks where you do 1 jumping jack and take a choco taco time-out…but full on, real Washington jumping jacks!

I don’t know what’s going on down there, but you Lewistonians and Skamanians need to straighten your shit right up! What the hell are you guys doing? Gummy worms does not a healthy breakfast make!

Oh, and in happier news, we have a new follower! Welcome Pintpounder! Pintpounder made what is sure to be the best decision of his or her life yesterday and decided to join the fastest growing news blog in Washington. Good decision, Pintpounder! I’ll make you a deal. If you get 5 more followers to join the Washington Apple, we’ll give you a Washington Apple t-shirt…for free! That’s right! Now, be advised, this t-shirt hasn’t been designed yet, although its creation has been discussed from time to time among our staff, usually after a few too many cans of Rainier. However, you can be assured that it will be incredibly stylish, and if you are a man, show off your bulging biceps, or if you are a woman, your curvy bosoms, or if by chance you are a visiting, bloodthirtsy European Mantis seeking revenge for dissing your home state of Connecticut, you could use it to accentuate your long antennae. So spread the word, and we’ll design and print the t-shirts. Deal?

 - Clambaker

Friday, July 1, 2011

State-Off #1 - At least we're not Connecticut...

I’ll be honest. I’ve been a little bereft of ideas lately. Sometimes there just isn’t much going on, and I can only make fun of Aplets and Cotlets so many times before it starts to look more and more like a psychological disorder. Speaking of Aplets and Cotlets, I bought some a little while back. I took the box into work and tried to give them away. The rare adventurous souls who dared to try and choke them down said they tasted like perfume. Have you ever heard of anyone describe a food (let alone a supposed “candy”) as tasting like perfume? They should try putting that on the box. “Delicious! Like Perfume! You can eat it…or…rub it all over your neck!”

But I digress. The purpose of today’s post is to kick off the first of hopefully 49 glorious contests of superiority in the category of statehood awesomeness. We’ll pit Washington against all other 49 states (maybe even Canada too), one at a time, in a battle royal. As you well know, Washington is pretty awesome, but we’re going to be very objective about this. While we know how awesome Washington is (very), we simply don’t know how awesome those other 49 states are (not very). We’ll just let the facts themselves do the talking…or is it do the walking?…jesus…imagine a giant walking and talking FACT coming at you with a pointy stick…SCARY!  So with that, I present to you our first contest…

Washington vs………………..Connecticut!!

HAHAHA…Connecticut!!!…what a stupid sounding place! It doesn’t even sound like it’s spelled! You’d think they’d spell it “Connetticut,” or “Kanettycut,” or “Shithole,” but they don’t! Why try to be something that you’re not, Connecticut? Huh? What are you up to? What are you trying to hide?

We’ll start with Washington. Washington’s flag is green, like the color of our plentiful forests, and depicts our first president, George Washington, the greatest living person, thing, animal or insect to ever to roam planet Earth…and probably the universe. Washington state is named after him. Washington’s flag defines the word beautiful. That is a fact.
Oh jesus holy christ…what in the fuck is this? Are those grapes? Grapes? Grape vines? And not just 1, but 3 of them! I don’t know about you, but when I think of Connecticut, I don’t think of grapes. But maybe I should! They apparently want to be known for grapes! Whatever you say, Connecticut……grapes it is! Every time I put grape jelly on my peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I will think of you.

Qui Transtulit Sustinet. Do you know that means? Oh…what’s that? You’re one of the 99.999999% of people who don’t speak Latin, you say? Oh…my fault. Allow me to translate for you. It means “he who transplanted sustains.”  I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “what a stupid fucking thing to put on your state flag.”  I like the way you think.

Winner: Washington (green and George!!)

Oh fuck it…I’ll just go ahead and paste the Wikipedia climate description for each of these states for you…
Washington: “An oceanic climate (also called "west coast marine climate") predominates in western Washington, and a much drier semi-arid climate prevails east of the Cascade Range.”
Ahhhhhhh…oceanic! Sounds lovely, doesn’t it? Makes you want to put your feet up, grab a beverage, and maybe a snack, and just sorta relax and take in all that oceaness.
Connecticut: “Interior portions of Connecticut have a humid continental climate, while other parts, especially the Connecticut shoreline (southern four counties), have a humid subtropical climate with seasonal extremes tempered by proximity to the Atlantic Ocean.”
Read that again. Notice anything? Humid. Have you ever heard someone say, “I wish it was MORE humid out today!”? Or, “what a beautiful, humid day!” No, you haven’t! Humidity is bad! No one wants it to be humid out! People want humidity to go away! Humidity is the canker sore of weather.

Winner: Washington (not humid)

Highest point
In case you weren’t aware, the highest point in the state of Washington is Mt. Rainier, at a breathtaking 14,411 feet. That’s 14,411 feet of beauty so pure that if you were to stare at it too long, your eyeballs would burn right through the back of your head. It’s fucking majestic.

Behold Mt. Frissell! Behold it already, god damnit! Take it in! Isn’t it beautiful! What’s that you say? It doesn’t look like a mountain? Well Connecticut begs to differ with you! 2,454 feet. You might not think that’s tall enough to even be considered a mountain, but it is!
“There isn't an official international definition of a mountain, but it's generally accepted that it should be higher and steeper than a hill.

The US has its own definition of a mountain, which is that it must be over 1000 feet (304.8 meters) at its highest point above base.

A US hill cuts off at 999 feet (304.5 meters).”
Ok Connecticut, qualifications met. You have yourself a mountain! Enjoy it! I look forwarded to summiting your prestigious peak some time in the future, once I’ve completed my low oxygen/alpine climbing training and qualifications.

Winner: Have you ever had Frissell beer? I didn’t think so.

State flower
Washington has the Rhododendron. Isn’t it pretty? The Rhododendron is a flower, like in the picture, that you will find exploring many of our fine forests. You’ll be hiking along some pristine, awe-inspiring trail and then a beautiful Rhododendron will jump out at you and take your breath away…literally! You won’t be able to breath until the Rhododendron decides it’s okay for you to breath! Respect the Rhododendron, and it will respect you back. Respect it not, and it will plant its seeds in your ear and slowly torture you over 38 years as it grows into your brain and causes you to kill. Do you know why Washington state has so many serial killers from here? Because as little children, they did not respect the Rhododendron. That’s why.

Connecticut, on the other hand, has something they like to call the Mountain Laurel. Let’s look at the picture together. I think we can agree that the most obvious word that comes to mind is….”meh.”  It looks like something you’d find at a wedding.  Wedding flowers are ok, but they’re not really in the same category as wild flowers. Plus, the Mountain Laurel is poisonous to deer and goats. A good rule of thumb in life is to never like anything that would kill a goat.

Winner: Just saying “Rhododendron” is fun!

State insect
If you don’t know Washington’s state insect, you don’t deserve to read this blog. Close out of your browser right now. Shut down your computer. Unplug it. Pick it up. Carry it to the bathroom. Throw it in the toilet. Flush. You don’t deserve a computer. Now move to another state.

Washington’s state insect is the Green Darner dragonfly. It is one of the largest dragonflies on the planet. It could pick up your house and move it to California, which it should do anyway since you didn’t know it was the state insect. At the end of the long tail at the back of the Green Darner, at the very tip, lies a fear sensor. This fear sensor is always on, mainly because it always knows you’re afraid of it. Respect the Rhododendron….Fear the Green Darner.
Oh hello there lil’ fella! Aren’t you a friendly little guy! You must be Connecticut’s state insect….the European Mantis! The European Mantis is not native to Connecticut, which is why it’s called a “European” Mantis and not a Connecticut Mantis. They classify it as an “introduced” species, which is just a nice way of saying it’s an invasive species that has taken the entire state hostage, enslaved the human population, and bankrupted their economy with European taxation policies. Connecticut’s governor is actually a European Mantis in a human costume. Fact.

Winner: Always side with the bug that can fly.

State dance
Washington: Square Dance
Connecticut: Square Dance

Wow! Look at that! Our states have the exact same state dance! I’d call for a square dance-off, but like 2+2 always equals 4, Washington always kicks ass. So…suck on the math, Connecticut.

Winner: Washington

Well there you have it. 6-0. Cue the Queen…“We are the champions…” It wasn’t much of a contest. Connecticut sort of showed up to this match deflated and uninterested, which makes sense. If you showed up for a toe-to-toe match with Washington, you’d back down pretty easily too. You are you kidding? You wouldn’t show up!

I’m not sure who’s next up on the schedule. It could be Florida, New Hampshire, Hawaii. Maybe if you have a preference, you could reply to this article in the comments and suggest something. That would be neat. Don’t try and be clever though and suggest something like pitting Washington against itself, or telling me I should re-write Connecticut. That would be annoying.

 - Clambaker