Thursday, July 7, 2011

Stop putting sugar on your Cheerios, Washington! You are too fat…and it’s not the good kind of fat!

Imagine my disbelief and utter astonishment this morning when I opened up my virtual portal to the interwebs to discover that my fair state is now the 28th fattest state in the union. 28th!!!

Washington, we are fatter than Connecticut. Do you know how embarrassed I am? Very! We just got done wiping the floor with their pathetic, little, mountain-less humidity box! And what do you do to celebrate? You go and make yourselves some butter and ranch sauce sandwiches! Shame on you!

I mean Virginia is even less fat than us! Virginia! Have you ever been to Virginia? For the love of god, their state beverage is milk! MILK!!!! I am just so ashamed of all of you.

At this point, you’re probably asking, “well, what the hell can I do? I’m just one person!” Yeah, one fat person! Well, that all depends on which 1 of our fine 40 Washington counties you live in.

You see, some counties in Washington are fatter than others. Clambaker decided to take it upon himself to do a little internet research. I went to Bing (hahahahahahaha yeah right…) and searched for “fat Washington counties.” Want to know what I discovered? Yes, yes you do!

Do you happen to live in either Lewis or Skamania county?

Then you are probably much, much too fat. You need to stop reading this blog, fatso, and get out there and start doing some jumping jacks! And not just some half-assed, Skamania county-type jumping jacks where you do 1 jumping jack and take a choco taco time-out…but full on, real Washington jumping jacks!

I don’t know what’s going on down there, but you Lewistonians and Skamanians need to straighten your shit right up! What the hell are you guys doing? Gummy worms does not a healthy breakfast make!

Oh, and in happier news, we have a new follower! Welcome Pintpounder! Pintpounder made what is sure to be the best decision of his or her life yesterday and decided to join the fastest growing news blog in Washington. Good decision, Pintpounder! I’ll make you a deal. If you get 5 more followers to join the Washington Apple, we’ll give you a Washington Apple t-shirt…for free! That’s right! Now, be advised, this t-shirt hasn’t been designed yet, although its creation has been discussed from time to time among our staff, usually after a few too many cans of Rainier. However, you can be assured that it will be incredibly stylish, and if you are a man, show off your bulging biceps, or if you are a woman, your curvy bosoms, or if by chance you are a visiting, bloodthirtsy European Mantis seeking revenge for dissing your home state of Connecticut, you could use it to accentuate your long antennae. So spread the word, and we’ll design and print the t-shirts. Deal?

 - Clambaker

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