Thursday, June 9, 2011

Washington State Patrol escorts goose family off of I-90......and on to killing fields...

Mercer Island, WA
Washington State Patrol troopers successfully implemented a "rolling waterfowl roadblock" maneuver on Wednesday, safely escorting a family of geese off of I-90.

Passers-by and motorists alike were inspired by the heartwarming gesture of the state's top law enforcement office. "Awwwwwwwww," said Factoria resident Gail Richards.  "Isn't that just the most precious thing! Aren't they just lovely? I just love geese! I hope those troopers find them a nice, quiet home off the exit ramp near some goose food and away from all this hustle and bustle."

However, it's what the cameras didn't show on Wednesday that have left residents of this wealthy, uppity and unusually stupid island community in an uproar.

The Washington Apple has learned that soon after escorting the homeless geese off the state's busiest freeway, they fired what was the first of 498 deadly shots from their service weapons.  Once the cloud of smoke and goose feathers mixed with goose blood had cleared, 4 geese lay dead, 2 others lay wounded, and a squirrel who apparently was "in the way" was "accidentally" bludgeoned with a State Patrol-issued flashlight.

While the State Patrol went to extraordinary lengths to avoid any witnesses, we were able to track down one man who happened to be in the immediate area, who was able to describe the event in enough detail that our graphics team was able to create an artist's rendition of the events.

"Finally my taxes go to something worthwhile," said witness and Bellevue resident Rob McKenna.  "Those blowhards in Olympia spend tax dollar after tax dollar on schools, and for what? The only problem I have with what happened here is that they should have just run them down on the freeway with their patrol cars.  How much did those bullets cost? I'm not going to pay for them. Are you?"

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