Oh, so it's ok for coyotes to play spaceman

Seattle, WA

What the hell is wrong with you people? This last week was such a blur of emotions for me as I was forced to follow the news story about a stupid coyote who got caught in my mayonnaise trap. I couldn't believe my eyes! People felt bad for the thing. Well nobody felt bad for me last week when my head was stuck in a mayonnaise jar, for 5 days!

The wildlife agents were scared to hit it with tranquilizer in fear that it could die from being so thirsty. Come on, I got shot like 20 times. I was wandering around the neighborhood looking for help and people kept shooting me. Mostly bb's I think, but I could swear I saw some wildlife agents high fiving each other right before I got sleepy.

And then some couple tackles it to remove the jar, then lets it go! They didn't kick it in the ribs or pull its shirt up over its head or try to fart in the jar. Why do people like coyotes more than they like me? Is it because I don't break into their chicken coop and eat their hens? Because I will totally do that.

There is a lesson to this story though. If you see a coyote in a mayonnaise jar, just let him be. He's the lucky one.
State wildlife officials kill 2 coyotes in Lake Forest Park

Walla Walla stepping it up for the rest of us fatties...

Walla Walla, WA.
On the heels of being named the 28^th fattest state in America, we get word that Walla Walla, WA. has taken home the honor of “Friendliest town in the universe.”

Way to go, Walla Walla! The rest of you Washingtonians need to take a quick break away from your deep-fried candy corn lunches long enough to send a big “Thank You” to Walla Walla for helping to erase some of the shame you’re all responsible for. Not all of it, mind you…some of it. (Yeah…deep-friend candy corn…I’m full of amazing ideas! But seriously, don’t eat any…fatso!)

I have to admit…I was more than a little surprised. I mean, don’t get me wrong…Walla Walla is a lovely place, with lovely people, lovely landscapes, lovely buildings, lovely restaurants, lovely birds, lovely streets, lovely mosquitoes, lovely toenails, lovely turnips, lovely rutabagas and lovely rutabaga farmers who lovingly love their rutabaga farms and who lovingly farm lovely rutabagas, lovely Whitman Colleges, lovely cats, lovely shops with lovely knick-knacks tucked lovingly inside, lovely dentists and cavities, lovely Arbys, and lovely Rite-Aids.  Walla Walla is certainly lovely. But friendly?

Let’s play a little word association. I say a word, and you blurt out the first things that come to mind.

Our word is, “Walla Walla.”

I’m betting you thought about one of the two following things:

1. The Walla Walla Sweet Onion

If you’re ever bored, saunter on over to sweetonions.org.  Make sure it’s .org too, because I have a feeling sweetonions.com might take you somewhere either don’t want to be, or really, really, really want to be and I can’t be held responsible for. I won’t judge you.

You’ll learn all about the Walla Walla Sweet Onion. Think about that for a second. Washington state has an onion so powerful and mighty that it has it’s own .org website. .ORG!!!! Take that, you stupid California raisins! Unfortunately, it’s one of those websites that you’re surprised there isn’t a dancing animated onion gif and a visitor counter centered at the bottom of the page, but that’s neither here nor there nor anywhere nor any of your business.

Wow, I’m off-track. Anyway, the Walla Walla Sweet Onion is certainly a powerful and influential (and lovely) beast. But friendly?

2. Walla Walla State Penitentiary

The state of Washington has one state penitentiary…located in...you guessed it...Walla Walla. The naughtiest bunch of Washington’s naughty are sent here. According to the internet, ”It is the site of Washington State's death row and where executions are carried out. Methods for execution currently include lethal injection, and the option of hanging.”

HAHAHA…options are good!! Friendly options...

So, what's the deal, Walla Walla? Who did you pay off to ignore your naughty, little secrets?  Thank you??

- Clambaker

44 injured in 'hay ride gone wrong' on Shaw Island

SHAW ISLAND -- Forty-four people were injured, at least four of them seriously, when a hay-ride trailer full of people collided with a tractor that was pulling it Sunday on Shaw Island, spilling the occupants onto the roadway.

San Juan County Sheriff Rob Nou called it a "hay ride gone terribly wrong."

Medics and emergency personnel responded to the scene, on Hoffman Cove Road, at about 11:20 a.m. after receiving 911 calls.

Nou said a tractor was pulling a flatbed trailer carrying about 50 people from at least two church youth groups who were having a weekend retreat at Our Lady of the Rock Monastery on the small island.

As the hay ride travelled down Hoffman Cove Road on a downhill grade, the trailer overpowered the tractor and began pushing it down the grade.

As the trailer gained speed and momentum, it caused the tractor to jackknife. As it did, the drawbar bent and the front axle of the trailer failed, dumping the occupants off the trailer.

At least four patients were airlifted to regional hospitals, Nou said. None of the injuries are believed to be life-threatening.

Up to 40 other people received less serious injuries.

Additional paramedics were sent over from Orcas Island to treat the large number of injured. A Washington state ferry was diverted to Shaw Island to transport some of the less seriously injured to the mainland.

The tractor and hay-ride trailer belong to the monastery. It was being operated by a 46-year-old Bellingham man.

Names, ages and conditions of those involved were not immediately available. The accident remains under investigation, Nou said.

State Off #2 - It's pronounced wis-CAN-sin

So there is the only joke I will do about the accent there. But, man, it's so easy.

Time for a State Off.

State Shape

Look at this image with it's squared off corners and it's rectangular shape. Yes, it has shape.



What is this blob all about? It looks like Admiral Akbar getting ready to gargle some salt water.

Winner: Washington


State Beaches



Enjoy this. Breathe it in. The sun setting on sculptured rock formations. The wind swept trees standing the test of time. The air of mystique can swallow you whole and you can live inside it's belly for 3 days and nights before it spits you out.

Well this is... Actually, I just feel bad that someone felt compelled to take this photo.

Winner: Washington

Baseball Mascot


Bernie the Brewer, supposedly. Nothing creepy about that. I'll tell you, as a kid, I used to love having drunk, mustached men come up to me and give me hugs. Oh, I'm sure there is some good ol' timey story that goes along with him, but let me tell you a little story of my own.....




It's the story about an old mustached man that went for a walk in the woods and found himself between an adult moose and her calf.

Winner: Washington

Well what about Green Bay?

Sorry, our waters are blue. Glacier blue.

Winner: Washington

Going over the numbers, it looks like Washington comes out on top 4-0. A clean sweep. Now I don't want to leave this without something Wisconsin can be proud of. But then again, they put cheese on there head. Pride might be gone. So instead, fill your shame hole with some fried cheese, salty milk brats, and pork lard kringles. Then wash it away with an 18 pack of MGD 64.

Annual Seattle to Portland Bike Classic Thrills Riders of all Ages

Portland OR

The Annual bike ride along the side roads of I-5 brought out thousands of cyclists last weekend. And although the bike ride ends in Oregon, the majority of it takes place in Washington, because Oregon is boring.

We sent our regional events correspondent, Lowtide, to Portland to cover the event. But since he didn't get the article written by the deadline, I am left here with just some notes to transcribe.

• A lot of hippies walking around
• Portland girls are pretty hot
• Had to walk far to find a bar
• Pretty shitty old fashioned here. Trying the place across the street
• No Makers Mark! WTF?
• Damn bikers wear some stupid clothes
• Fuck you Bartender!

All in all, it sounds like another successful year for the STP classic. Hope to see you there next year.