Mariners disappointed to find out they finished in third place

Seattle, WA
The end of the Seattle Mariners' 2009 season was a roller coaster of emotions. The final game of the 162 game year was this Sunday with the M's winning 85 of them. The final game of the year ended in victory as the players celebrated in fashion with hugs, hi-fives, and thrusting players up on their shoulders.

The celebration was short lived though on arrival of the club house locker room. Apparently the players were told by their new manager, Don Wakamatsu, that if they win the last game they get to play in the World Series. Wakamatsu was not in the locker room after the game, but instead left a note that simply said, "Sorry guys, you only got third place out of four places. No World Series. Enjoy the winter."

The baseball team may have finished next to last in the standings, but they were number one in team chemistry.

McGinn calls for new viaduct proposal

Seattle, WA
Seattle mayoral candidate Mike McGinn said Thursday that Seattle taxpayers should be able to vote on the new viaduct decision, and they should vote on his new option. In front of a crowd of reporters, McGinn laid out his plan which combines the awesomeness of a tunnel with the bargain price of a rebuild. He calls it Project Voltron.

With this third option, the viaduct would remain in place, and still be covered by a tunnel. McGinn is so pumped about this option that during the press conference he often took his shirt off to flex. "Think about it, the railroad industry has been doing it forever. I don't hear any complaints from them about above ground tunnels." he said.

He went on to say this is the kind of architecture that will put Seattle on the map and bring us into the 21st century. He then acknowledged that Seattle is already on most maps and is currently in the 21st century.

Scott Spiezio ups the ante…goes from total tool to complete douchebag

This photo comes to Clambaker courtesy of M.C. Razor, who knew he would like it. Thank you M.C. Razor...thank you.

Dearest Mr. Spiezio,

Clambaker doesn’t like you. Clambaker never liked you. Now you’ve gone and really pissed Clambaker off.

Oh my…where to begin. We have to start somewhere. Maybe we should start with your soul patch? You’ve grown it. Good work! I applaud you! You’ve gone and installed a landing strip on your chin. Follow the lights to your douche-hole. A little wispy on the soul side though… more patchy than souly…

And now we come to what I surmise is the whole purpose of this entertaining photo…that lovely new ink on your arm. Ugh. I have some questions about that. You know what you’re missing in life? Friends. Here’s a scenario for you. Let’s say Clambaker is out late on a Friday night. Let’s say Clambaker has had too much to drink. Let’s say Clambaker throws out the idea of getting his arm adorned with a busty blonde provocatively removing her panties. Here’s where you and Clambaker take different paths.

Clambaker has friends. Not many mind you, but enough of them to say, “no Clambaker! That is NOT a good idea! Do not do that! Re-think, Clambaker, re-think!”

But nooooooo. You didn’t have this safety net. If you did, they wouldn’t have let this happen. Even if they had, at the very least, when the newspaper came to take this photo, they would have said, “No Scott! You’ll look like a douchebag! Whatever you do, wear sleeves!”

We’re disappointed Scott. Until we saw this picture, the Washington Apple had zero people on our douchelist. Actually, we didn’t even have a douchelist. Well now we do. And you sir, are its inaugural member. I congratulate you. You should congratulate yourself. Jerk off an extra time this morning, friend…you’ve earned it.

Your move Mr. Spiezio.

Harborview hospital unveils new kidney stone mascot

Seattle, WA
The dialysis wing of the Harboview hospital was all abuzz this weekend as they introduced to the public the first of its new mascots to promote awareness. Rocky the Kidney Stone was brought out in front of a team of journalists while the theme from Rocky was playing.

The purpose of the new mascot is to help people become aware of symptoms of kidney failure and to have a good time doing it. Hospital director Tim Barrett was a little aprehensive at first, "I thought the idea of a mascot depicting a serious problem was a bad idea, but when I saw him wearing that little baseball cap I thought, this could work. Now I am really excited about the whole idea. We can't wait to show off the new tumor mascot next month."

Harborview hospital was ranked almost last on the annual list of Most Fun Hospitals. It hopes that with their new program, they can surpass Sacred Heart of Spokane who has led Washington hospitals for the last 5 years with their off road wheelchair track and shooting range.

Hunter refused to come home empty handed

Dayton, WA
It was the trip hunter Eric Driggs and his faithful German Shepherd, Largent, had been waiting for all year. Two weeks of camping and tracking in the Blue Mountains in pursuit of some big game. He had high hopes of coming home with at least one bear and one elk. But that was not the case.

Two weeks prior, Eric and his dog had ventured into the wild to set up camp. The first week offered nothing but bad weather and there was no game to be found. "It fucking sucked," noted Eric. "I didn't come out here to go camping and discover nature, I came here to kill."

By the time the second week was coming to a close, things were looking pretty dim. "I was getting pretty pissed. I had a shit pile of ammo I needed to light off." It was finally on the last day of the trip that things started to pick up. A large bull elk had wandered in close to Eric's camp. As he sat behind the tree waiting to take a good shot, Largent came running out of nowhere and scared the animal away. It was at that point Eric realized what he needed to do. "I've had that dog for a long time," he stated, "And what a sweet fucking shot! Right in the neck."

Largent is now on display in Driggs' living room. "I'm not real happy that he's gone," says Eric. "But I think he knew how pissed I was, and how happy he made me that day."