Thursday, March 29, 2012

Behold the future! New 520 bridge will bring Aurora Borealis to Washington

Olympia, WA.
Prepare to get high and watch the sky, Washington ( you needed a're probably high and watching the sky right now).

News out of the Washington State Department of Transportation (WSDOT) is that the new 520 bridge project, once complete, will enable Washingtonians in the Puget Sound area to have crystal clear views of the Aurora Borealis...all day...every day...sometimes...always.

Through our connections with Gus Tonkle (fishing buddy to the neighbor of the niece of the bartender at Ferndale's "Jonah's Fish & Chips & Cement & Cigar Shop & Crocodile Petting Farm & Daycare Service," who is the cousin of the guy who sold his old truck to the maid to Governor Chris Gregoire's gyncocologist's massage therapist's monocle dealer), we were granted an interview with WSDOT 520 Bridge Project Manager Jeremy "Der" Derwin.

Washington Apple: "Okay man...hey thanks for doing this, by the way. That picture is HI...LAR...I...OUS!!! I want to ask you how much it cost to have completed, but I'm a little afraid I'd poop all up in these new pants I'm wearing. You feel me?
My question is, how will the new 520 bridge allow Puget Sounder dwellers a more visible display of the Aurora Borealis?

Der: "A magnetic field is a mathematical description of the magnetic influence of electric currents and magnetic materials. The magnetic field at any given point is specified by both a direction and a magnitude (or strength); as such it is a vector field. The magnetic field is most commonly defined in terms of the Lorentz force it exerts on moving electric charges. There are two separate but closely related fields to which the name 'magnetic field' can refer: a magnetic B field and a magnetic H field."

Washington Apple:  "HAHAHAHAHAHA.....................................Wait...hold left shoe's untied. Ugh...don't you hate that???? Fuck man...I should probably tie it. Okay...yep...almost done...there we go...........oops...hahahaha...oh there's a knot I can' you have a fork I could borrow? Wait...nevermind...I'll deal with it later...
Magnets huh? Interesting............hey, thanks man. You did a great job! I will now terminate this interview."

In addition to the spectacular, sweeping views of the Aurora Borealis, the future 520 bridge will also apparently include:
  • A large open walkway/bike lane capable of carrying the 50,000+ people who are planning to walk back and forth to their job at Microsoft from Ballard every day
  • High speed, high occupancy laser beam-only lanes
  • A salute to the anniversary of The Matrix! Giant, neon-turquoise lit support columns (seriously...what the fuck are those things?)
  • Enough cool shit that a young couple decides to take a Saturday evening stroll on the 520 bridge to check it out. Or......maybe they're just walking home from work.......
 - Clambaker

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