Would you eat this for lunch?

Othello, WA
Sometimes when looking for news happening, what is not happening becomes a bigger story. Take this bit from the Othello Outlook as an example. Every week they post online their students lunch menu. They also provide a picture.

Let me stress, I'm not a parent, so I completely do not understand how difficult it would be to make a lunch everyday for a kid. And then... why should I? This meal from the school has it all. It has everything necessary to ensure your child is is growing with all the essentials it needs. First, you have your vegetables. I guarantee the first thing a kid will go after is that luscious display of corn, only if they can refrain from that vitamin packed fruit cocktail in the corner.

Then you might say, what about things like riboflavin? Not to worry, the school has a mini pretzel along with a small mustard pack to fulfill the grains needed in a growing child's diet. And of course, everyone knows that chocolate milk has less fat than regular milk. It almost makes you wonder then why as adults we would even consider drinking white milk?

One thing not mentioned is the pizza, but what is there to mention? Everyone knows that with it, the kids get their daily allowance of Vitamin Delicious.

Protester a little disappointed with turn out

Sequim, WA
With the elections right around the corner, many people are focusing their attention on the politicians and issues that will play a role in the state's future. A few of them are even taking action.

That was the case today, as was seen on the street corner of this small Olympic Peninsula town. Patty Brown had been organizing a protest for the last few weeks against the latest Tim Eyman initiative on property tax. She had discussed the issue with several of her friends who all agreed something needed to be done to stop it, and maybe a protest might just be the thing. Unfortunately, when the agreed upon day arrived, no one else showed.

"It's a little upsetting," Patty said. "I hung a notice up on the bulletin board at the laundromat and put an ad in the classifieds of the newspaper, and still no one. I'm not sure how else to reach the people."

Despite the low turn out, and not having attached a stick to her sign, Patty remained optimistic, "If by being here I can persuade just one voter, then I was successful.... even though these things usually pass or fail by thousands of votes."

Pumpkin-carving out, Pumpkin-hammering in for local special education students

Kingston, WA.
For many of us, the fall season means cooler temperatures, beautiful foliage, Halloween, getting drunk, and of course…pumpkin-carving.

Not so in Kingston, where Lisa Beasley’s special education students have created a whole new twist on this age-old pastime. The switch was made, in part, due to a less-than-successful pumpkin-carving session in 2008.

“We tried the pumpkin-carving thing last year,” said Beasley. “In retrospect, 14 retarded children running around with knives shouldn’t have seemed like a good idea…I mean ‘duh,’ right? We lost a few eyes, some hair, and had to deal with some pretty significant scarring. I mean poor little Albert over there looks like he got kicked in the face by a donkey, and now his left eye-brow won’t grow back. Anyways, they really don’t know the difference. Carving, hammering, reading, zebras, mommy, toast, pointy, Canada, the sun ….those are all the same things to them.”

Watching 3 year old Jaime Ferris flail away wildly at the class pumpkin, you wouldn’t take her for a first-time pumpkin hammerer. She guides each blow with almost machine-like precision, as if possessed by some innate force of nature, driving her plastic hammer further into its target with each swing.

“Meow?,” asked Ferris. “Bam bam bam…b…ba…bam…bam…bunkin bammy bam bam…baaaaaaaaaaaaam.”

New turnip-oriented menu generates few fans at Greener Pastures retirement community

Vancouver, WA.
Like many residents at Vancouver’s Greener Pastures senior retirement community, Alice Menkin doesn’t rate turnips as one of her favorite foods. As she struggled to finish her lunch of mashed turnips and turnipsauce, she failed in her attempt to hold back her tears.

“This is not very tasty at all,” cried Menkin. "This is the opposite of tasty. Is untasty a word? If it is, then that’s how I would describe this. Definitely very untasty...and especially undelicious.”

Apparently the switch to the ill-received turnip-based menu has been in the works for some time. For staff, the final straw came Sunday morning, after a second serving of applesauce had been awarded to residents for an unusually productive “sit still and be quiet” hour. The trouble evidently began during the early morning hours, sometime after the final “lights out/take your medicine” call had been sounded over the PA system.

“We came in Sunday morning to a fucking war zone,” said director Darrell Schaefer. “They broke into the activities room and ravaged the Murder, She Wrote DVD library. They watched so many episodes that Angela Lansbury’s face is burned into the fucking display. I shit you not. We still can’t find season 4. God only knows where that went.

Listen, they're just trying to get to you with all the crying. 'Whaaa whaaaa' this and 'boo hoo' that. They cry all the fucking time now, much more than before. But don’t let these old bastards fool you. They’re a lot more wily than you think. Look, turnipsauce is much lower in sugar than applesauce. It’s simple math. Less sugar equals less tomfoolery, and even fewer shenanigans.

Besides, you know what they say, how when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade? Well now they’ve got turnips…maybe they’ll make some fucking turnipade...you never know.“

Calls go out for volunteers as WSS Lady Washington prepares for battle

Seattle, WA
The Lady Washington may soon be returning to her familiar role as the battle-hardened blade on the sword of Washington State justice.

Upon hearing the news today that Washington’s official state ship is no longer welcome to return to her winter moorings in California, Governor Christine Gregoire has issued an emergency order asking for 300 stout volunteers to man her sails and cannon, and prepare her for what very well may be her most daunting challenge in over a century.

“The Californians are a dirty and untrustworthy people,” said Gregoire. “They are as vicious and vile as they are unkempt. They steal our electricity, raise our property values, and laugh in the face of our delicious Jones soda. If they won’t let our great Lady Washington into their precious harbors, then we shall fight our way in. They have trembled at the cries of our loons, and now they will tremble at the sound of our guns.”

The governor wasted no time in appointing a captain for the Lady Washington’s upcoming date with destiny.

“I have thought long and hard about this decision, and I can tell you it did not come easy,” said Gregoire. But I believe I have chosen wisely, and I have nothing but the utmost trust and faith that Captain Robert “Ironsides” Mak will lead our brave sailors to victory over these California heathens.

His many years of experience with seamen of all types will be a valuable asset to operation ‘Evergreen Retribution.’ For years he has been entrusted with the timely and accurate delivery of quality news with King 5, and now he will be entrusted with the timely and accurate delivery of justice for all Washingtonians.”

Godspeed, Captain Mak. Godspeed, Washington.