Keepin' the dream alive, LowTide! 

Suck it, San Fran...

More thing change, more thing stay same… (And other thoughts on transitions…)

Squatch here. Ever notice how Autumn often make for good season for reflections? Good time to check in with one self and say, “hey…everything on track? You still hang in there buddy?”

Question like, “Where Squatch at in life? Squatch happy? Squatch on track for retirement? Squatch ready for bigger commitment to Wendy?”

Life funny like that. One day just walking in woods and thinking, “everything okay dokay and fun.” Then Fall come and think, “maybe time get serious. Not young, handsome football captain squatch no more!!”

Speaking of Autumn… When dang pumpkin spice trend start? EVERYTHING need to be pumpkin spiced? Regular Oreo® not good enough… need pumpkin spice Oreo®?

Sometimes Squatch visit pumpkin patch. Legend true, mostly. Sometimes Squatch steal maybe few pumpkins…here or there…not too many. Squatch not proud of it, but Squatch need to get by too, you know?

Squatch never split open pumpkin, take long whiff and think, “need to make everything smell and taste like this! Even Oreos®!”

Oreos® fine as-is, people. Fine. As. Is.

> Cold weather = < Meat = Squatch raid pumpkin patches for food. Not rocket science, people.

Plus… some jerk start trapping mice in North Cascades for fun and ruin Squatch’s food source. Sent chipmunk friend Cody to investigate but he not come back. Rumor he trapped too. Sad.

Prime suspect this man! Squatch want to ask him some questions. You see him, you tell squatch where.

Also... squatch provide Missing posters for Cody. Please post in your neighborhoods. You seen him?? Hard to envision life without good friend Cody. 

Historic Seattle Spaghetti Factory to close after 41 years. Struggle to find happiness in joyless, soulless city to become infinitely more challenging.

Seattle, WA.

Listen to me. Get up out of your chair… right now.

Take a stroll down to Seattle’s historic waterfront.

Stand at the cross section of Myrtle Edwards Park, Belltown and the piers. Lean over, close your eyes, and put your ear to the ground.

If you linger, if only for a moment, and truly listen… and I mean TRULY listen… you can still hear it.

History.

Can you hear it?

Rest in Peace Steve Henderson

O CAPTAIN! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,
The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won,
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up -- for you the flag is flung -- for you the bugle trills,
For you bouquets and ribbon'd wreaths -- for you the shores a-crowding,
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head!
It is some dream that on the deck
You 'ye fallen cold and dead.

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,
The ship is anchor'd safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,
From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;
Exult O shores, and ring O bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,

Fallen cold and dead.

Mike Zunino to give TED Talks

 

Protesters Win; Shell Oil Goes out of Business

Seattle, WA
It read like a Hollywood script, a small group of intellectuals forced to take on an industry giant to save Planet Earth from total destruction. But that is exactly what happened last week in the waters of Puget Sound. To most of us, the Shell oil rig that docked in Seattle was just one of a thousand rigs working around the world. But to the more learned audience, this particular rig means disaster. According to "Junebug", this rig has the capabilities of drilling oil on the moon and piping it back to Earth which then carries the potential of a space spill. "Imagine if every airplane in the sky was dumping oil or some byproduct into the atmosphere, that is what it would be like." she explained.
The protesters united for battle on the sea with their kayaks aligned like the cavalry of Genghis Khan. Shell Oil in it's 100 year history had never experienced anything of this magnitude.While most people were busy at work, this small group of underdogs had dismantled the 4th largest company in the world. As of yesterday, Shell Oil had closed the doors on it's headquarters one last time.

Where's LowTide?

Our very own LowTide was captured on film recently by the Seattle Times. For those of you in the know, capturing LowTide on film can be more rare than capturing footage of Bigfoot himself, and certainly more dangerous.

For the photographers at the Seattle Times, a warning...  LowTide does not appreciate your soul-stealing treachery...especially when attempting to purchase superfluous pieces of Flying Bird on the down low. May God and LowTide have mercy on you when they team up to hunt you down...

In the meantime...help us find Lowtide!!!! Can you find him???? He's in there...

 - Clambaker

Who's more Seattley than Seattle? Portland, apparently...

God damnit, Seattleites...are you going to stand for this shit? Portland is out-boycotting Seattle...your home!! YOUR HOME!!! The place you retire to at the end of a long day of heavy computing to eat your gluten-free lettuce wraps!! YOUR FUCKING HOME!

Well, I say fuck that and fuck Portland! Get out there and boycott something right now, you lazy boobs. May I suggest tunnels, to start?

And if you're one of the 27.3% who are already boycotting something... a big "thank you!" You people are doing great. But, Clambaker thinks you can do better! Either continue boycotting the current thing you are boycotting, only harder....OR...boycott something new! Like tunnels. Unless you're already boycotting tunnels...then boycott tunnels harder...because the movement needs you...

 - Clambaker

Seattle Mariners Unveil New Uniform Design

 

   In efforts to keep up with the unsustainable popularity of the Seahawks, the Mariners recently unveiled the new uniforms for the upcoming season. The design is a combination of both old and new Seattle featuring the Kingdome and the Great Wheel.

Suck It, Ken

Toodle oo, Flying Bird...

The new year traditionally marks a time for new beginnings.

New promises await on the horizon...new hopes and dreams abound in our hearts... It is a time for reflection...for hope...for promise...for family and friends to come together...for drinking too many hot-buttered rums and telling your cousin to go fuck himself and then falling down the front porch steps and lacerating your left pinky finger and then waking up in the same shirt, covered in dried vomit and Ritz cracker crumbs and three missed calls and a voicemail on your cell phone from your aunt asking if you made it home ok…

Unfortunately, the promise that was 2015 has died as quickly as a baby seal left alone on Alki beach...

Ladies and gentlemen...The Kalakala (Or "Flying Bird" in Chinook) is in trouble. She's set to be torn apart...rivet by rivet...stripped down to her bare bones...plundered, raped and pillaged...all so you and your white collar, capitalist 1% friends can have a few more 12 piece toasters in your McMansions and a fancy new metal mini replica Bertha in your stocking every single Christmas. 

Have you no soul, Washington? What the fuck is wrong with you?

More importantly…Where the fuck will Harry Wappler’s giant-headed ghost live once Flying Bird is scrapped? Who's going to take him in?

 - Clambaker

Dear Jesus

Dear Jesus,

Will you take back my rib, try again, and turn it into another cool dude who hates soccer and likes huckleberry jam sandwiches and poop jokes?

Thank You!

Love,

 - Clambaker

"The Sounders are dumb," say Washingtonians

We asked you how much you like salmon, and you told us the Sounders are dumb...and I'm pretty sure it's scientific...wait...maybe I mean science-riffic? It's one of those two...

Go stupid, Sounders!

Percy Harvin Exposed in Bizarre Seahawk Cheating Scandal

Seattle WA,

The Seahawks traded away one of teams top talents as rumors began to circulate about a behind the scenes real life soap opera taking place. Kent Phillips of Star101.5 broke the story after hearing of a locker room brawl between Percy Harvin and former teammate and roommate Golden Tate. Seahawk mascot Blitz was seen storming out of the locker room shortly after.