Late night bet at bar to ride trike across state ends miserably in morning traffic

Colville, WA
As the morning sun was rising and people were on their way to work, one man's journey was coming to a sobering end. It was a journey that had started only a few hours before and was scheduled to last for days.

It all started late last night at the Logger Tavern where local patron Ernesto Reyes was in a heated argument with a coworker over who could do more push-ups. The coworker, being much younger, easily won the contest, but Reyes wasn't finished. He then claimed he could ride his recently purchased tricycle across the state, all the way to the ocean.

"Ever since he bought that tricycle, he thinks he's some sort of Olympic athlete, the Mexican Lance Armstrong as he puts it." stated the bartender. "He comes in every night bragging about how far he rides and how much weight he's losing. I haven't seen it, but I have seen him fall off that thing a few times."

As the coworker and several other patrons took up the bets, Reyes set out on his trike, destination; the Pacific Ocean. After only a few hours of riding, Reyes finally conceded the bet when he realized he had only circled the block a few times. Swaying in and out of the morning traffic, he eventually made it home. "I still think I can do it," he claimed. "I just need to get an earlier start in the day."

Everett Silvertips mascot “Lincoln” enraged by high cost of Starbucks muffins

Everett, WA.
When he isn’t leading the wave or giving away t-shirts for the WHL Everett Silvertips, you’ll find team mascot Lincoln at his local Starbucks, attempting to rally the crowd for an entirely different cause…the high price of Starbucks muffins.

As he looks menacingly through the display case, leaning threateningly over the glass, you can almost feel his sense of frustration.

“There they are…yes yes yes…look at them behind the glass…costing so much…god I want to pay less for them,” said Lincoln. “I can’t…I won’t…well maybe if I….fuck fuck fuck.” He then seemed to direct his attention toward the staff. “Hey asshole…how much is this muffin…this apple strudel shit right here. Oh yeah that’s right…too much,” he shouted as he turned around and walked out of the store.

For manager Ted Garrett, Lincoln’s visits have become an all too common event.

“I guess it probably started a couple of years ago,” said Garrett. “He came in one day and ordered a banana nut muffin with a side of honey. When the barista rang him up and told him the price, he just stood there, staring at her. It was unsettling. The expression on his face never changed. Then he drags his paw across his neck like some sort of throat-slashing gesture, turns around, and walks out.

Now he comes in here a couple of times a week, banging loudly on the display case, growling at customers, stuff like that. I even offered to show him how to make his own muffins once. He made fun of me and asked me if I knew of any other bears that could cook. I don’t know…he’s a great mascot…just a shitty customer.”

Man's vision of 35 years become reality with installation of schoolyard "bully phone"

Walla Walla, WA
A dream that started 35 years ago finally came true this week. Police Officer Tom Brink has spent the majority of his career lobbying the school board to install what he calls "bully phones" in all the elementary school playgrounds. This week, Blue Ridge elementary received the first bully phone in the city. The phone is mounted in the schools main recess area and is connected directly to Officer Brink's cell phone.

"It's tough being a kid, especially a kid with glasses," states Brink. "I can remember so many times wishing I could call the police while at recess. I guess there's not a lot of reasons a kid needs to wear glasses. I mean, they don't read that much, and they can't drive a car... but it's nice to know there is protection available."

So what's next for Officer Brink? He plans on getting the schools to install Help buttons inside all full size lockers.

New Cougar Petting Zoo sparks outrage, controversy, but plenty of fun

Twisp, WA
The recent opening of “Wittle Wild Kitties Petting Farm and Learnin’ Zone” across from Gifford Pinchot Middle School has generated quite the buzz in this usually sleepy eastern Cascade town. While hundreds of children are literally bursting (yes…literally…I witnessed it) with glee at a chance to both tease and interact with the predators, more than a few parents have voiced their concerns over the new business.

For the father of 3rd grader Curtis “Freckles” Horace, there are quite a few questions that need to answered before he’ll grant his son permission to visit the Chevron parking lot turned petting farm. “I’d like to know what’s bein taught in that Learnin’ Zone,” said Michael Horace. “If Freckles comes back talkin about monkeys turnin into people, or healthcare, there’s gonna be problems.”

So far, the business has proven to be a financial windfall for owner/operator/trainer/learnin zone chief George Jenkins. And he isn’t being shy about downplaying the concerns voiced by others.

“Think of it like this,” said Jenkins. “If butterflies didn’t exist, cougars would be nature’s butterflies. We only call them cougars because butterflies exist and are already taking that name. You see my point? And if if’s and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas.”

Aside from the ability to interact with the wild mountain lions, the $10 admission also includes two saltine snack crackers, a complimentary mouse for live feeding, as well as a “poking stick” designed for encouraging less-than-willing cougars to participate.

“Our motto is FUN, FUN, safety, FUN, and FUN,” said Jenkins. “Because you can have big fun with cougars, as long as there’s a little safety in the middle.”

Forks man not into the Twilight series

Forks, WA
As the Twilight tourism blitz winds down this summer, one man's mission of a new book series is gearing up. Bob Canton has lived in Forks his entire life and says he is fed up with the all the hype his small town has recently been submitted to. "Forks is not about vampires and bloodsucking homos," Bob explained. "It's time this town gets the literary recognition it deserves. What about The Magical Lives of Ducks, or There's a Mouse in the Universe? I think it's time the people of this city pull their heads out of their you know whats, and get over this Twilight shit."

The Forks Magical Duck Tour is scheduled to start the first week of October, featuring fireside readings from Mr. Canton. Seats are limited.