President Obama makes Seattle speech

                                                                "Keep your Top Pot!"
                                                    

Seattle, WA
The President stopped by for a fund raising dinner yesterday at the home of the former Costco CEO's house. He held a private dinner for a few guests and no media was allowed to be present. But...thanks to our great make up staff here at The Apple, I was able to attend under the guise of Lenny Wilkens. So the following is a brief recap of what the president and the guests discussed.

First, President Obama came outside to the dining area dressed sharply in a crisp new pair of Kirkland Signature jeans. I couldn't believe how great they look when they are brand new. He sat down and after a little friendly banter he agreed to get down to business. He stated his top priority while in Seattle was to try a bacon maple bar from Voodoo Donuts. "Can you imagine that combo?" he asked. "Bacon on a maple bar, just imagine. Think about it, you have salty bacon with that sweet sweet maple frosting. I bet Mitt Romney doesn't like those. He probably likes plain glazed. He probably cuts a donut in half and tells everyone he can only eat half a donut but in his head he wants the whole thing. I'll eat the whole thing. Heck, if you hand me two bacon maple bars, I'll eat them both. Somebody hand me two donuts right now" Then someone (Greg Nickels) unwisely pointed out that Voodoo Donuts was in Portland and the evening affair was all but over.

The president had three caterers deported and took off with a jet pack.

State-Off #4: Oklahoma…where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain…in the form of a giant, spinning, wind cylinder of death filled with corn, cows, tractors, and morbidly obese people who eat chili-cheese-fries for dinner…

Yeah yeah yeah…I know. It’s not fair. Pitting Oklahoma against Washington is like pitting the Seattle Storm ladies basketball squad against a three-legged duck with Down syndrome (with one of its three legs super-glued to its beak). Sure, the final score might be close, but it just wouldn’t be any fun to watch. Wait…what am I saying? That would actually be pretty fun to watch!! (Hmmmm…in retrospect, this isn’t a very good analogy…but I’m too lazy to go back and come up with a better one…do you mind? No? Okay good. Let’s continue…)

But guess what? Sometimes life isn’t fair! There are 49 other shitty states out there and we had to get to Oklahoma some time. And let’s be honest, at the rate Washington Apple articles have been churned out lately, you’re lucky you get it now and not in your 80’s. Who knows what MC Razor, LowTide and I will be writing about in 2062? You can’t take that risk!

Let’s get this over with…

2012 Seattle Mariners vow to "try their hardest!"

Another Seattle Mariners opening night is upon us. Faced with the grim prospect of having to play against an increasingly talented AL West, this 2012 squad of scrappy can-doers has vowed to "try their hardest" and "not get hurt."

In fact, if they try really really really really hard, manager Eric Wedge has promised to throw them a pizza party. As a bonus incentive, there will be ice cream if no one gets hurt.

Go team! Go Mariners! Try hard! Don't get hurt!

You guys are going to try really hard...right? Please? For Clambaker?

 - Clambaker

It's National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day!

Yeah. Yakov Smirnoff was right.

Behold the future! New 520 bridge will bring Aurora Borealis to Washington

Olympia, WA.
Prepare to get high and watch the sky, Washington (yeah...whatever...like you needed a reason...you're probably high and watching the sky right now).

News out of the Washington State Department of Transportation (WSDOT) is that the new 520 bridge project, once complete, will enable Washingtonians in the Puget Sound area to have crystal clear views of the Aurora Borealis...all day...every day...sometimes...always.

Through our connections with Gus Tonkle (fishing buddy to the neighbor of the niece of the bartender at Ferndale's "Jonah's Fish & Chips & Cement & Cigar Shop & Crocodile Petting Farm & Daycare Service," who is the cousin of the guy who sold his old truck to the maid to Governor Chris Gregoire's gyncocologist's massage therapist's monocle dealer), we were granted an interview with WSDOT 520 Bridge Project Manager Jeremy "Der" Derwin.

Washington Apple: "Okay man...hey thanks for doing this, by the way. That picture is HI...LAR...I...OUS!!! I want to ask you how much it cost to have completed, but I'm a little afraid I'd poop all up in these new pants I'm wearing. You feel me?
My question is, how will the new 520 bridge allow Puget Sounder dwellers a more visible display of the Aurora Borealis?

Der: "A magnetic field is a mathematical description of the magnetic influence of electric currents and magnetic materials. The magnetic field at any given point is specified by both a direction and a magnitude (or strength); as such it is a vector field. The magnetic field is most commonly defined in terms of the Lorentz force it exerts on moving electric charges. There are two separate but closely related fields to which the name 'magnetic field' can refer: a magnetic B field and a magnetic H field."

Washington Apple:  "HAHAHAHAHAHA.....................................Wait...hold on...my left shoe's untied. Ugh...don't you hate that???? Fuck man...I should probably tie it. Okay...yep...almost done...there we go...........oops...hahahaha...oh damnit...now there's a knot I can't..............................................fuck..............................do you have a fork I could borrow? Wait...nevermind...I'll deal with it later...
Magnets huh? Interesting............hey, thanks man. You did a great job! I will now terminate this interview."

In addition to the spectacular, sweeping views of the Aurora Borealis, the future 520 bridge will also apparently include:

• A large open walkway/bike lane capable of carrying the 50,000+ people who are planning to walk back and forth to their job at Microsoft from Ballard every day
• High speed, high occupancy laser beam-only lanes
• A salute to the anniversary of The Matrix! Giant, neon-turquoise lit support columns (seriously...what the fuck are those things?)
• Enough cool shit that a young couple decides to take a Saturday evening stroll on the 520 bridge to check it out. Or......maybe they're just walking home from work.......

 - Clambaker