State-Off #4: Oklahoma…where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain…in the form of a giant, spinning, wind cylinder of death filled with corn, cows, tractors, and morbidly obese people who eat chili-cheese-fries for dinner…

Yeah yeah yeah…I know. It’s not fair. Pitting Oklahoma against Washington is like pitting the Seattle Storm ladies basketball squad against a three-legged duck with Down syndrome (with one of its three legs super-glued to its beak). Sure, the final score might be close, but it just wouldn’t be any fun to watch. Wait…what am I saying? That would actually be pretty fun to watch!! (Hmmmm…in retrospect, this isn’t a very good analogy…but I’m too lazy to go back and come up with a better one…do you mind? No? Okay good. Let’s continue…)

But guess what? Sometimes life isn’t fair! There are 49 other shitty states out there and we had to get to Oklahoma some time. And let’s be honest, at the rate Washington Apple articles have been churned out lately, you’re lucky you get it now and not in your 80’s. Who knows what MC Razor, LowTide and I will be writing about in 2062? You can’t take that risk!

Let’s get this over with…

2012 Seattle Mariners vow to "try their hardest!"

Another Seattle Mariners opening night is upon us. Faced with the grim prospect of having to play against an increasingly talented AL West, this 2012 squad of scrappy can-doers has vowed to "try their hardest" and "not get hurt."

In fact, if they try really really really really hard, manager Eric Wedge has promised to throw them a pizza party. As a bonus incentive, there will be ice cream if no one gets hurt.

Go team! Go Mariners! Try hard! Don't get hurt!

You guys are going to try really hard...right? Please? For Clambaker?

 - Clambaker

It's National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day!

Yeah. Yakov Smirnoff was right.

Behold the future! New 520 bridge will bring Aurora Borealis to Washington

Olympia, WA.
Prepare to get high and watch the sky, Washington (yeah...whatever...like you needed a reason...you're probably high and watching the sky right now).

News out of the Washington State Department of Transportation (WSDOT) is that the new 520 bridge project, once complete, will enable Washingtonians in the Puget Sound area to have crystal clear views of the Aurora Borealis...all day...every day...sometimes...always.

Through our connections with Gus Tonkle (fishing buddy to the neighbor of the niece of the bartender at Ferndale's "Jonah's Fish & Chips & Cement & Cigar Shop & Crocodile Petting Farm & Daycare Service," who is the cousin of the guy who sold his old truck to the maid to Governor Chris Gregoire's gyncocologist's massage therapist's monocle dealer), we were granted an interview with WSDOT 520 Bridge Project Manager Jeremy "Der" Derwin.

Washington Apple: "Okay man...hey thanks for doing this, by the way. That picture is HI...LAR...I...OUS!!! I want to ask you how much it cost to have completed, but I'm a little afraid I'd poop all up in these new pants I'm wearing. You feel me?
My question is, how will the new 520 bridge allow Puget Sounder dwellers a more visible display of the Aurora Borealis?

Der: "A magnetic field is a mathematical description of the magnetic influence of electric currents and magnetic materials. The magnetic field at any given point is specified by both a direction and a magnitude (or strength); as such it is a vector field. The magnetic field is most commonly defined in terms of the Lorentz force it exerts on moving electric charges. There are two separate but closely related fields to which the name 'magnetic field' can refer: a magnetic B field and a magnetic H field."

Washington Apple:  "HAHAHAHAHAHA.....................................Wait...hold on...my left shoe's untied. Ugh...don't you hate that???? Fuck man...I should probably tie it. Okay...yep...almost done...there we go...........oops...hahahaha...oh damnit...now there's a knot I can't..............................................fuck..............................do you have a fork I could borrow? Wait...nevermind...I'll deal with it later...
Magnets huh? Interesting............hey, thanks man. You did a great job! I will now terminate this interview."

In addition to the spectacular, sweeping views of the Aurora Borealis, the future 520 bridge will also apparently include:

• A large open walkway/bike lane capable of carrying the 50,000+ people who are planning to walk back and forth to their job at Microsoft from Ballard every day
• High speed, high occupancy laser beam-only lanes
• A salute to the anniversary of The Matrix! Giant, neon-turquoise lit support columns (seriously...what the fuck are those things?)
• Enough cool shit that a young couple decides to take a Saturday evening stroll on the 520 bridge to check it out. Or......maybe they're just walking home from work.......

 - Clambaker

Hope Solo signs with Women Sounders. Wait.... Whaaaat??

Tukwila, WA
Here at the Apple we might consider ourselves sports fans. We like the Mariners, the Rainiers, the Seahawks, and of course our favorite, the Storm who as of tonight just advanced to the next round of the playoffs! (Just kidding about the playoffs, but you wouldn't know) So when the news broke today about the US star goal keeper coming to play with the womens Sounders team, my immediate reaction was, I have to look this up on the internet. And sure enough, there is not only a womens soccer team, but there is an entire league!

Now I know you must be eager to learn more about all this, so I did some research to save you some time and posted some frequently asked questions below.

W-Sounders FAQ
1. Are the rules in the W-league the same rules as in the MLS?
A) No. There is no scoring in the W-league. This was always sort of an "unwritten" rule, but as of this season the refs will be watching out for it.

2. My friends and I suffer from "Cold Neck" so we must wear scarves to sporting events. Will we still fit in at a W-Sounders game?
A) No. Although the W-Sounders sympathize with victims of Cold Neck Syndrome or CNS, they would prefer to let the stadium be more of a home for those with Ankle Freeze and who are forced to wear leg warmers to the match.

3. I am really excited for the season. When does the schedule come out?
A) The coaches and the players parents will have a meeting next week to determine the best time slots for everyone. The schedule should come out soon after that.

4. I have heard drums and singing at the MLS Sounders game. Can I expect that here too?
A) No. The drums and the singing you heard was an idea the fans had to give them something to do during the game. The W-Sounders encourage you to bring a Kindle.