Don’t worry, loyal reader. I know what you’re thinking… “Well, where the fuck have
you been? Why haven’t you posted anything? You have a new follower named Steve Elliott! Whoa, are my eyebrows getting bushier? Does binge drinking only on weekends make me an alcoholic if I don’t drink during the week? Quaker Corn Bran is surprisingly delicious!"
Those are all very good questions, and I……HEY, wait a minute!! Not all of those are questions!! A couple of those are statements!! You tricky readers!!
Anyways…M.C. Razor and I had to take a little break from the day-to-day operations of the Apple. When you’re the creative geniuses behind the greatest state’s greatest news blog, sometimes life can get a little hectic.
Now, people deal with that hecticicity in a whole myriad of different ways. Some people (you) use alcohol to cope. Some people (you and your friends) use drugs to forget your troubles. Some people (M.C. Razor) up and move to The Philippines and spend half their 401k trying to start a non-profit Petting Farm for ducks…where instead of having an assuredly delightful opportunity to pet a duck, the duck is instead trained to pet you! (Don’t laugh…it’s actually a pretty good idea when you think about it…)
Long story short, we’ve been derelict in our sworn duty to provide you with a hilarious alternative to the great state of Washington’s “traditional” media outlets. For that, we at the Apple are truly sorry.
For the last few weeks, we’ve been hard at work developing new ideas, formats, strategies, format strategies, idea formats, etc. We’ve taken this work very seriously, and with you our loyal readership in mind, have vowed to reshape the Apple into the quality product you so richly deserve.
In fact, I presented our organization with our 2011 operating philosophy and guiding principles just today:
Washington Apple staff,
Firstly, I apologize for this company-wide communication. In an era where corporate in-boxes are filled to capacity and the majority of our days are spent simply sifting through various communications, I fully realize and appreciate the importance of your time. I’ve also just snorted a line of dish-washing detergent and can’t remember the shortcut for the paste command.
I wanted to take this opportunity to both reflect upon where our organization has been over the last couple of years, as well as share with you my vision for 2011 and beyond.
2009 represented unprecedented growth in our business. Our readership grew by 300%, our profits soared up to a level usually reserved for only the baldest of eagles and seaiest of seahawks, and we made serious dents in the profit margins of the evil lords Aplet and Cotlet. We stood on the shoulders of Mt. Rainier and proclaimed ourselves the Ken Griffey Juniors* (*early/mid-nineties version) of the internet.
However, for all of our successes in 2009, 2010 demonstrated how quickly the proverbial tides can shift. To be blunt, we were buried in the deepiest of deep, coastal, fluvial sands…at depths only our friends, the razor clams, could possibly understand and relate to. In short, our hour was dark…darker than the financial future of a University of Idaho graduate.
But 2011 promises to be an inspiring and dramatic year for all of us. We’ve doubled our number of associates, expanded into the Food, Weather, and NW Life business channels, and created a blueprint for growth that promises to dwarf even the most robust of industry expectations.
To that end, we have implemented the following staffing model changes, effective immediately:
- Co-CEO, Chairman and Founder MC Razor will continue in his current, self-assigned role as “ideas guy.” He will also maintain complete creative control and day-to-day management of the hard-working associates over in our Army Jokes division. He has been a tireless proponent and advocate for our organization (when sober), and his years of service represent the gold standard of our industry.
- Newly-hired Radulartooth will take on our rapid-growth Food and Weather business channel segments. Radulartooth brings a wealth of new ideas to our organization, as well as an alarmingly low level of industry experience. When Radulartooth opened his interview by yelling the words, “life is short…use an axe!!,” I decided right then and there that he possessed a certain “je ne sais quois…” that perfect storm of instinct, moxie, bravado, chutzpah and insanity for our organization.
- Newly-hired LowTide will be responsible for building our new NW Life division from the ground up and from the rain clouds down. I can tell you from experience that LowTide doesn’t just define the Washingtonian lifestyle, he truly lives and embodies the term “NW native.” Surly, gruff, unapologetically and unabashedly distrustful of outsiders, his stare alone has been known to drive the most confident of re-located Californian out of Ballard and back to the friendly confines of their overly sunny, southerly home. I believe we’ve hired no one less than the Emmett Watson of our generation.
If we would like to move forward as an organization, we must respect the past, learn from our mistakes, celebrate our successes, and embrace our destiny. We know from experience that our customers are fickle, and that they demand no less than semi-lucidity from our staff. I expect nothing less than 12.89% from all of you as we look forward to a future of both continuing to grow our business, as well as bringing shame and financial ruin to all Aplets and/or Cotlet purveyors (oh…and more embarrassment to Scott Spiezio).
Sincerely,
Clambaker
Co-CEO, Chairman and Founder
The Washington Apple
So, you see? We're freakin' serious! I'm probably most excited about our new staff members. Of course, we'll all need to give them some time to get acclimated to the space around here. There's always that new job administrative stuff that you've got to get out of the way that first week: learning where the bathrooms are, filling out your 401k documents, learning not to masturbate at work, etc. But once they start to feel settled and ready to dive in, expect the unexpected! Wait...no...expect great things! Wait...expect the unexpected...unless you expect great things...in which case you simply expect way too much...god you're a selfish reader!
It's good to be back.
- Clambaker
