Saturday, August 25, 2012

Ask the Mask

Here is your chance to ask the Gov. Christine Gregoire Mask questions about life, love, and BBQ cooking.


Reader: Dear Mask,  Do you think the government has any UFO's in captivity?

Gregoire Mask: Fool! Thou hast awoken me from my slumber and shall pay the ultimate price! Hatred and scorn shall accompany you and your hands and feet shall grow wearisome. The government has never claimed to have any extra terrestrial material in their possession. Now thou shalt perish under my wrathful lazy eye!


Reader: What do you think about me getting a tattoo of my cat and I fighting the devil, but also an inverse of the same tattoo on my cat with me and the devil fighting against my cat?

Gregoire Mask: Wicked...

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Nickels finds McGinn's playbook. Shopping for bike on Craigslist.

                                               "16% of you get a fucking kiss."

Secretary of State -  

Kim Wyman (R)     360,304     39%
Mike the Mover (R)  195,884     21%
"Griz" Nickels                            16%









   

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

President Obama makes Seattle speech

                                                                "Keep your Top Pot!"
                                                    

Seattle, WA
The President stopped by for a fund raising dinner yesterday at the home of the former Costco CEO's house. He held a private dinner for a few guests and no media was allowed to be present. But...thanks to our great make up staff here at The Apple, I was able to attend under the guise of Lenny Wilkens. So the following is a brief recap of what the president and the guests discussed.

First, President Obama came outside to the dining area dressed sharply in a crisp new pair of Kirkland Signature jeans. I couldn't believe how great they look when they are brand new. He sat down and after a little friendly banter he agreed to get down to business. He stated his top priority while in Seattle was to try a bacon maple bar from Voodoo Donuts. "Can you imagine that combo?" he asked. "Bacon on a maple bar, just imagine. Think about it, you have salty bacon with that sweet sweet maple frosting. I bet Mitt Romney doesn't like those. He probably likes plain glazed. He probably cuts a donut in half and tells everyone he can only eat half a donut but in his head he wants the whole thing. I'll eat the whole thing. Heck, if you hand me two bacon maple bars, I'll eat them both. Somebody hand me two donuts right now" Then someone (Greg Nickels) unwisely pointed out that Voodoo Donuts was in Portland and the evening affair was all but over.

The president had three caterers deported and took off with a jet pack.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

State-Off #4: Oklahoma…where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain…in the form of a giant, spinning, wind cylinder of death filled with corn, cows, tractors, and morbidly obese people who eat chili-cheese-fries for dinner…


Yeah yeah yeah…I know. It’s not fair. Pitting Oklahoma against Washington is like pitting the Seattle Storm ladies basketball squad against a three-legged duck with Down syndrome (with one of its three legs super-glued to its beak). Sure, the final score might be close, but it just wouldn’t be any fun to watch. Wait…what am I saying? That would actually be pretty fun to watch!! (Hmmmm…in retrospect, this isn’t a very good analogy…but I’m too lazy to go back and come up with a better one…do you mind? No? Okay good. Let’s continue…)

But guess what? Sometimes life isn’t fair! There are 49 other shitty states out there and we had to get to Oklahoma some time. And let’s be honest, at the rate Washington Apple articles have been churned out lately, you’re lucky you get it now and not in your 80’s. Who knows what MC Razor, LowTide and I will be writing about in 2062? You can’t take that risk!

Let’s get this over with…

Friday, April 6, 2012

2012 Seattle Mariners vow to "try their hardest!"

Another Seattle Mariners opening night is upon us. Faced with the grim prospect of having to play against an increasingly talented AL West, this 2012 squad of scrappy can-doers has vowed to "try their hardest" and "not get hurt."

In fact, if they try really really really really hard, manager Eric Wedge has promised to throw them a pizza party. As a bonus incentive, there will be ice cream if no one gets hurt.

Go team! Go Mariners! Try hard! Don't get hurt!

You guys are going to try really hard...right? Please? For Clambaker?

 - Clambaker