State-Off #5 - Florida vs. Washington

Hey, look at that! We’re 10% into the state-off competitions! If we continue at our present rate, we’ll be finished with all of the states by 2021.

2021!! The future!!

Think about that for a second. What do you think you’ll be doing in 2021?

HAHA! Sucker! You’re going to be doing the same thing you’re doing now…except you’ll be much older…and uglier…WAY uglier, even. Look in the mirror. Picture your eyelid 4 inches further down your face. Take your ear and stretch it to 3 times its current size and cover it in hair and dark spots. This is what you’re going to look like. You’re hideous!

Have you ever noticed how most people look toward the future? Like the future is some amazing thing to look forward to? Well, let me tell you something. Those people are dumb! The future is your worst enemy!

There’s nothing in the future for you but certain death! Your body will age and begin to fail…you will grow out of touch with reality…everyone you know will start dying…want to get a preview of your future? Here you go…

Anti-Fire Video Ignites Eastern Washington Protests

Wenatchee, WAA recent video created by the Washington State Forest Service has sparked off a series of protests in the region of central Washington. The video was meant to provide campers with tips on campfire safety, but once it was uploaded to the internet, fire got angry!
The controversial video showed a forest ranger extinguishing a campfire and exclaiming over and over how stupid fire was and it needs to be stomped out.  Soon after it's release, fire started protesting near Ellensburg and has now escalated to the point where it is threatening the capital of all the hearts of Washingtonians, the mother fucking Applets and Cotlets factory. "This can't happen, please don't let this happen!", exclaimed everyone.
When reached for a comment, all fire had to say was, "Fire mad!"

Ask the Mask

Here is your chance to ask the Gov. Christine Gregoire Mask questions about life, love, and BBQ cooking.

Reader: Dear Mask,  Do you think the government has any UFO's in captivity?

Gregoire Mask: Fool! Thou hast awoken me from my slumber and shall pay the ultimate price! Hatred and scorn shall accompany you and your hands and feet shall grow wearisome. The government has never claimed to have any extra terrestrial material in their possession. Now thou shalt perish under my wrathful lazy eye!


Reader: What do you think about me getting a tattoo of my cat and I fighting the devil, but also an inverse of the same tattoo on my cat with me and the devil fighting against my cat?

Gregoire Mask: Wicked...

Nickels finds McGinn's playbook. Shopping for bike on Craigslist.

                                               "16% of you get a fucking kiss."

Secretary of State -  

Kim Wyman (R)     360,304     39%

Mike the Mover (R)  195,884     21%

"Griz" Nickels                            16%

President Obama makes Seattle speech

                                                                "Keep your Top Pot!"
                                                    

Seattle, WA
The President stopped by for a fund raising dinner yesterday at the home of the former Costco CEO's house. He held a private dinner for a few guests and no media was allowed to be present. But...thanks to our great make up staff here at The Apple, I was able to attend under the guise of Lenny Wilkens. So the following is a brief recap of what the president and the guests discussed.

First, President Obama came outside to the dining area dressed sharply in a crisp new pair of Kirkland Signature jeans. I couldn't believe how great they look when they are brand new. He sat down and after a little friendly banter he agreed to get down to business. He stated his top priority while in Seattle was to try a bacon maple bar from Voodoo Donuts. "Can you imagine that combo?" he asked. "Bacon on a maple bar, just imagine. Think about it, you have salty bacon with that sweet sweet maple frosting. I bet Mitt Romney doesn't like those. He probably likes plain glazed. He probably cuts a donut in half and tells everyone he can only eat half a donut but in his head he wants the whole thing. I'll eat the whole thing. Heck, if you hand me two bacon maple bars, I'll eat them both. Somebody hand me two donuts right now" Then someone (Greg Nickels) unwisely pointed out that Voodoo Donuts was in Portland and the evening affair was all but over.

The president had three caterers deported and took off with a jet pack.