It's National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day!

Yeah. Yakov Smirnoff was right.

Behold the future! New 520 bridge will bring Aurora Borealis to Washington

Olympia, WA.
Prepare to get high and watch the sky, Washington (yeah...whatever...like you needed a reason...you're probably high and watching the sky right now).

News out of the Washington State Department of Transportation (WSDOT) is that the new 520 bridge project, once complete, will enable Washingtonians in the Puget Sound area to have crystal clear views of the Aurora Borealis...all day...every day...sometimes...always.

Through our connections with Gus Tonkle (fishing buddy to the neighbor of the niece of the bartender at Ferndale's "Jonah's Fish & Chips & Cement & Cigar Shop & Crocodile Petting Farm & Daycare Service," who is the cousin of the guy who sold his old truck to the maid to Governor Chris Gregoire's gyncocologist's massage therapist's monocle dealer), we were granted an interview with WSDOT 520 Bridge Project Manager Jeremy "Der" Derwin.

Washington Apple: "Okay man...hey thanks for doing this, by the way. That picture is HI...LAR...I...OUS!!! I want to ask you how much it cost to have completed, but I'm a little afraid I'd poop all up in these new pants I'm wearing. You feel me?
My question is, how will the new 520 bridge allow Puget Sounder dwellers a more visible display of the Aurora Borealis?

Der: "A magnetic field is a mathematical description of the magnetic influence of electric currents and magnetic materials. The magnetic field at any given point is specified by both a direction and a magnitude (or strength); as such it is a vector field. The magnetic field is most commonly defined in terms of the Lorentz force it exerts on moving electric charges. There are two separate but closely related fields to which the name 'magnetic field' can refer: a magnetic B field and a magnetic H field."

Washington Apple:  "HAHAHAHAHAHA.....................................Wait...hold on...my left shoe's untied. Ugh...don't you hate that???? Fuck man...I should probably tie it. Okay...yep...almost done...there we go...........oops...hahahaha...oh damnit...now there's a knot I can't..............................................fuck..............................do you have a fork I could borrow? Wait...nevermind...I'll deal with it later...
Magnets huh? Interesting............hey, thanks man. You did a great job! I will now terminate this interview."

In addition to the spectacular, sweeping views of the Aurora Borealis, the future 520 bridge will also apparently include:

• A large open walkway/bike lane capable of carrying the 50,000+ people who are planning to walk back and forth to their job at Microsoft from Ballard every day
• High speed, high occupancy laser beam-only lanes
• A salute to the anniversary of The Matrix! Giant, neon-turquoise lit support columns (seriously...what the fuck are those things?)
• Enough cool shit that a young couple decides to take a Saturday evening stroll on the 520 bridge to check it out. Or......maybe they're just walking home from work.......

 - Clambaker

Hope Solo signs with Women Sounders. Wait.... Whaaaat??

Tukwila, WA
Here at the Apple we might consider ourselves sports fans. We like the Mariners, the Rainiers, the Seahawks, and of course our favorite, the Storm who as of tonight just advanced to the next round of the playoffs! (Just kidding about the playoffs, but you wouldn't know) So when the news broke today about the US star goal keeper coming to play with the womens Sounders team, my immediate reaction was, I have to look this up on the internet. And sure enough, there is not only a womens soccer team, but there is an entire league!

Now I know you must be eager to learn more about all this, so I did some research to save you some time and posted some frequently asked questions below.

W-Sounders FAQ
1. Are the rules in the W-league the same rules as in the MLS?
A) No. There is no scoring in the W-league. This was always sort of an "unwritten" rule, but as of this season the refs will be watching out for it.

2. My friends and I suffer from "Cold Neck" so we must wear scarves to sporting events. Will we still fit in at a W-Sounders game?
A) No. Although the W-Sounders sympathize with victims of Cold Neck Syndrome or CNS, they would prefer to let the stadium be more of a home for those with Ankle Freeze and who are forced to wear leg warmers to the match.

3. I am really excited for the season. When does the schedule come out?
A) The coaches and the players parents will have a meeting next week to determine the best time slots for everyone. The schedule should come out soon after that.

4. I have heard drums and singing at the MLS Sounders game. Can I expect that here too?
A) No. The drums and the singing you heard was an idea the fans had to give them something to do during the game. The W-Sounders encourage you to bring a Kindle.

OK gay people, let's set something straight...

Olympia, WA
Well you got the right to legally get married in this state now and to that I will say congratulations. But I will also say...You blew it! Oh man, you had a great thing going. It was the ultimate out of any relationship. Total sense of freedom at all times. You could have been in a totally long and meaningful relationship and then one day just decide you don't want to go home and the next thing you know you are making grape soda in the back of an old school bus in Fairbanks and no one could do anything about it!

Or anytime your significant other put any pressure on you, the easy reply was yeah, I know, bummer about this whole legal stuff, huh? Well all that is in the past now. Time to move forward and enjoy the world of divorce attorneys and alimony.

And a little insiders wedding tip, The best time to have a wedding is in the middle of a 3 day weekend. It will give people something to do!

Free News Friday! (Or...Girls are Massively Hysterical)